DEBATE: Should You Dump Who You’re Dating If Your Friends Don’t Like Him/Her?
June 8, 2009 by Adam and Sital
Filed under Debates
Nicole, a nurse from the midwest in her early-20’s, has been dating Tom, a would be-actor also in his early 20’s, for about 2 months. They have hung out with Nicole’s long-time friends multiple times and, despite efforts made to get along, Tom has not gelled well with Nicole’s friends. When just the two of them are together, they have a great time, but when Nicole’s friends are involved, Tom tends to act immaturely, making it difficult for them to spend time in Nicole’s social circle.
Should Nicole continue to date Tom or should she dump him?
The excitement of meeting someone new can often blind us to serious underlying issues in a budding relationship and it sounds as if dear Nicole has her eyes wide shut when it comes to Tom.
Dont get me wrong: I totally get that it's a big step to bring the newbie around the peeps. There is a built up expectation about meeting "the new guy" that puts everyone one on edge for the first meetup (which is why there is typically considerable alcohol involved). We've all been there... whispers around the table at the bar ...
"Nicole's bringing the new guy tonight"
"Is that him?"
"Wow, he's older/younger/fatter/taller/balder/cuter than I thought he'd be"
(1.7 sec after meeting him - to another frined ) "So do you like him?"
For Nicole, this was probably (hopefully!) a thought through decision - Bringing the new guy around the friends is similiar to owning five dogs and bringing home a new puppy. Everyone is going to want a sniff to see how they feel about this fresh meat.
So the first impression your friends may have may not always go smoothly. However, if the 3rd, 4th, 5th impressions are still not going well then you have a potentially serious issue on your hands.
In this particular case, for whatever reason, Tom acts differently around Nicole's friends than when they are alone together. To me that would give serious cause for concern. It would make me wonder:
"Why can't he just be himself around them?"
"In what other situations will he be a freak?"
"What's with all this scientology stuff he keeps talking about?"
Face it: Nicole's friends have known her a long time. They have seen her at her best, her worst, and if they are anything like my friends, have probably seen her throw up in some bushes after too many hook ups with Senor Cuervo . They probably know her better than she knows herself. They can see things in a relationship and in a dynamic that maybe she doesn't see because Tom is sooo good in the sack.
If she continues to force the issue and date someone that clearly does not fit in with her social circle, she runs the risk of alienating those people in her life that care for her. Is a two month relationship really worth that? Oh and save the "If my friends really care about me they would accept Tom". Her friends DO care about her, which is why they are probably insiting that she end this travishamockery.
At the end of the day, Nicole probably doesn't know Tom quite as well as she thinks she does and Tom's inability to be comfortable around the people she cares about after a couple months hanging out should be a big red flag.
Nicole: It's time to stop making excuses for Tom's immature behavior and recognize a bad fit when you see it; send Tom on a cruise out of your life.
I've got A LOT to say on this one.
First off, I love my friends, but a lot of them are single and let me just say that it seems like when they're hooked up, they're happy with whatever sad, ugly-ass sasquatch I'm dating. When they're single and oh-so flipping lonely themselves, they will find every nit-picky fault with my guy. It ranges from a snide, though demure comment on the fact that he wore Levi's (OH SHUDDER!!! They're not $250 jeans, ah hell, just kick him to the curb!) to questions around whether he might be an alcoholic because he drank a third gin & tonic (never mind that he PAID for everyone's second round and my cheap friends didn't bother to reciprocate.)
I admit there is a little bitterness here, but don't get the wrong impression. My friends may be snobby, cheap bastards, but if I tell them I'm stuck in a Tijuana jail cell, those same cheapos will scrounge up 50 bucks in quarters, drive across the border and haul my ass back to the US of A! Those are real friends. That being said, I am not blind to their faults.
Not everyone is going to like each other. As my current Love likes to say, "every group of friends has a clunker." In EVERY group of friends, there's always "the couple" or "the significant other" that's the clunker. You know who that person is - it's the one all of you talk about. You know you do. It's that person that just doesn't fit in. They do all of the dumb stuff, say all of the most inappropriate things, always pass out at parties, get naked in the hot tub...you get the idea. If you didn't have that clunker, what else would all of you talk about? Every group has one and perhaps Nicole, you're just gonna have to take one for the team and own the clunker.
Unfortunately Nicole, your guy doesn't sound like a clunker, he just sounds nervous OR maybe he's doing a little "acting exercise" around your comrades. It's possible.
If you really like this guy or see an Academy Award in his future ("And I want to dedicate this award, to the love of my life, my wife Nicole..."), I wouldn't write this guy off just yet. Talk to him 1 to 1 and ask him directly why he acts like a 2 year old around your friends. Be warned, he may get defensive, but if he's a keeper, he'll be honest with you. If he says that he'll try to behave differently, that he was nervous, give him another chance around your friends and give them a heads up. If he doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior, then yes, by all means, tell him that you're sorry, but you'll be recasting for the role of "boyfriend" in your life.
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I think there are two good arguements here, but you shouldn’t dump a significant other for the sole reason that your friends don’t like her/him. Chances are there will be other problems with your new love if none of your friends care for him/her though. What’s the worse thing that can happen by staying with this new person? Maybe, you spend a couple of extra months with them before you figure it out yourself. But maybe your new love becomes more comfortable and grows on your friends over time. The bottom line is, if you’re a grown person you should make the decision for yourself.
There are always going to be issues between the old friends and the newbie girl/guy. I don’t think that this is a completely either/or issue, as I think it comes down to what kind of “friends” do you really have and what kind of “significant other” are you prone to connect with?
If you have “friends” that really aren’t as great as you would really want your associates to be, then their opinions do not have nearly any weight. Those friends that really just want the best for you will state their opinions, and support you either way, even if they don’t want to interact with the offending other.
However, I gotta say that if the other starts acting different around other people, then you have to ask who is this person really? Am I the one seeing the act?
If all signs point to “nooooo!”, and you know that your opinion is compromised by cupid eyes, you might want to take a second to breathe, relax, and, in the words of D.Savage, DTMFA.