Surprise! No one wants to hear about your good relationship

After a fun evening at Wine Steals with several friends that are in seemingly happy relationships, one of life greatest truths has become even more evident:  When you are in a good relationship that’s been going on for a while, no one wants to hear about it.

Seriously – when was the last time you REALLY wanted to hear about a friend of yours awesome relationship?  Guys – do you really want your boy to go on and on about how great Becky is, the girl he’s been dating for two years?  Ladies – are you really that interested in hearing the details of how happy your girlfriend is with fiance Dante?  NO!  No one wants to hear about that!  Its sad but true.

I can’t speak for the ladies out there, but here is how the conversation between a couple of  guys happens when things are going well between a buddy and his somewhat long-term  (longer than 6 months) girlfriend/fiance/wife:

Guy 1: “So how are things with you and Arlene?”

Guy 2: “Things are good man.  We’re really getting along well”

Guy 1: “Cool.”

And that’s it.  Next subject.

You might think we would explore the depths of this topic:

• Why are things so good with Arlene?
• What is about her that makes you happy?
• How often are you guys doing it these days?
• In what positions?

After all, since we’re buddies, you would think we would want to know why our friend is so happy!  Yet for some reason, when it comes to relationships, we don’t get into the details once we know things are good.

Contrast this with how we discuss sports, our jobs, or our house.

If we are making some updates on our house and we’re asked about how things are going with it, we’ll happily share with you all the changes we’re making, the contractors we hired, how long it will take them to finish up, etc.  We’re downright eager to talk about how well things are going in an impressive level of detail.  Same for our sports team:  Ask a soccer fan “How is the U.S. Soccer National team doing?” and they’ll be quite excited to go on about latest matches, injured players, chances in upcoming World Cup etc.

The key thing here is that guys are happy to go on about something EVEN IF THEY KNOW THE PERSON THEY’RE TALKING TO IS NOT REALLY INTERESTED (note: this seems to especially be the case with older males… go ahead… ask your Dad about how his favorite sports team is doing… $10 says he will not care if you fall asleep while he’s talking, he WILL share with you how the Aztecs are an athletic but undersized team…)

So we’re more than happy to go on and on about a subject even when we know our friends are not interested.  Yet for some reason when it comes to our relationships, we get as tight lipped as a captured terrorist.  Why is that?  Allow me to share some insights:

1. A guy doesn’t want to seem like a wuss

Guys – back me up on this one:  Those moment you’re with your lady… all happy and baby talking and stuff… not at your most manliest, am I right?

So when someone asks how things are going and things are kick-ass it makes us think about those times when we’re cuddling and giddy and not at all very manly.  As a result, we don’t want to talk about it.  Yea, it’s nice, it’s cool…. And that’s about all the insight you’re going to get because the reality is that we don’t want our friends to know that we’re super into a girl (even if we placed a rock on her finger).  Its just not masculine.

2. You don’t want to rub it in the face of others

When you’re in a happy relationship, the last thing you want to do is go into detail about it in front of others that may not be that happy.  It’s just rude.  It’s like eating a Big Mac in front of a bum.

They (your friends) want what you got (at an abstract level of course ) so there’s no need to rub it in their face how happy you are.  A simple “things are good” is explanation enough.  If they want more details they’ll ask.  And even then, as the happy guy in the relationship, you have gauge whether or not they REALLY want to know or are just being polite.  I’ll cover that in another posting.

3. It’s just not all that interesting

Ever wonder why on the Real World/Jersey Shore (they’re the same show right?  Just one has more Italians?) the group is never really happy?  That’s because… here’s the revelation… wait foooor it….

Happy isn’t interesting.

Drama is interesting.  Tears, bruises, vomit, arrests… interesting!

Baby talk, happiness, contentment…

yawn…

A good buddy of mine (let’s call him Maxwell – bonus points if you recognize him from the podcasts) made the analogy to news:  No one watches good news.  The more horrific, awful, depressing, disturbing the news is, the more likely we are to tune in.

Same for a relationship.

If you’re really happy in relationship, its just not that interesting to talk about.  If she cheated on you with a player on the Lakers?  Well shiiiiiiit, we could talk all night about that!  But, do you really want to hear about how we painted our bedroom last weekend and it was awesome?  No!  You would have started looking around for other people to talk to once I mentioned “Home Depot”.  The stuff that happy couples do just isn’t that entertaining to share.

So what’s the takeaway… the moral of the story?  Don’t be offended/surprised/disappointed once you get into a happy relationship and no one wants to hear about it.  It comes with the territory.  Don’t get mad at your friends because they don’t want to hear about how great things are.  Accept it as a (minor) side effect that comes along with dating someone awesome.

The one thing I am curious about though… do these same rules apply to the ladies?  I could see 2 & 3 applying equally across genders, but #1 it would seem you don’t have to worry about.

Is it easier to talk about happy relationships amongst your friends as a woman?  Share your thoughts.

Fact or Myth: Married couples have MORE sex than singles?

Fact or Myth: Married couples have 25% to 300% MORE sex than their single counterparts depending on age.

Believe it or not – that’s a fact! Contrary to popular belief, married couples actually have quite a bit of sex! So why are all the married couples trying to improve their sex lives? That’s because it’s about quality, not quantity. Married couples often have less satisfying sex than their single counterparts because things simply get boring. Here’s how to make all that married sex count!

• Make Time For Great Sex. Sure, you’ve heard it before. You might be thinking, “Not bloody likely!” But with the every day demands that we face, such as work and children, sex with our spouses often gets put on the back burner. Well, you’re going to have to make time for sex if you want a better, more satisfying sex life. And not a quickie – chances are, that’s what you’re already doing. Make time for good sex.

• Resolve Your Conflicts. Every married couple has conflicts. But when you and your spouse argue outside the bedroom, those feelings of anger, hurt and frustration often get carried into the bedroom. These feelings can affect your sex life in numerous significant ways. Spouses who have regular conflicts with each other don’t feel as emotionally close to their partners, making it difficult to totally open yourself to great sex. Resolving your conflicts with each other before getting busy can help you to feel emotionally and physically open to your partner, often resulting in mind blowing sex!
• Exercise Together. Exercise is a great boost for the libido, and exercising together? Even better. Not only do you get to spend time with your spouse that you ordinarly may not have been able to do, you also get to see them all hot and sweaty…well, you get the picture. In addition to the sexy, sweaty fun, exercising regularly (and eating a healthy, nutritious diet) will help keep you fit and attractive to your spouse.
• Flirt With Each Other. Remember when you and your spouse first started dating? There was lots of flirting going on, and neither you nor your partner were sure what was going to happen next. That fun, exciting feeling of having no idea of their next move often gets lost when you get married, mainly because you know exactly what is going to happen next. You can improve your sex life by bringing that flirty, fun feeling back into your relationship. Go to a bar with your spouse and exchange some witty banter and see where it heads.
• Be Completely Spontaneous. For the same reason flirting can often revv up the quality of sex in a marriage, so can a healthy level of spontaneity. Instead of going home for the night, just keep driving and see where it leads you. Surprise your spouse with a hot hotel room for the weekend, or wear a new, sexy pair of undies. If you usually wear boxers or panties, try wearing a string bikini or a thong. It doesn’t matter what you do, just be creative and break out of the norm. Surprise your partner with something totally unexpected, even if it’s something small.

Are Bankers And Financiers More Vulnerable To Affairs?

During a recession, bankers are the new lawyers. You know, the butts of jokes, either loved or hated. A new study shows many are feeling hated and seeking love in all the wrong places.

According to Reuters:

“IllicitEncounters.com said it has seen a huge increase in the number of financial workers signing up to have affairs after the collapse of the markets in October last year, and that “finance” continued to be one of the most represented professional areas on the site.”

Does Money Make You More Vulnerable?

The website set out to determine why this was so. They interviewed 380,000 members, 20,000 of them work in financial services and found that among some of the reasons for infidelity were public revulsion for bankers, along with lack of affection in private. Additionally, members were interested in engaging in risky behavior to escape boredom, and feeding the ego by landing a trophy mistress. Long hours, negative public sentiment, stress and separation from their partners makes those that work in finance (and any high-stress job for that matter) more prone to turn to an affair; especially now when there is more than enough stress to go around!

If we look around, we see a higher rate of affairs in other professions that are very demanding, like politicians. I’ve talked about this before and explained my theory. The bio-chemical craving for connection, as discussed in the book Financial Infidelity, stems from stress, separation and/or loss. These are probable elements for finance workers now. The stress goes without saying, and the separation aspect was even mentioned in the study, as bankers work longer and longer hours, lending fewer opportunities to connect with a spouse or partner. Thus, it’s not a stretch to think that those in this field are facing large financial losses themselves, or dealing with clients who have suffered losses.

A common reply in the study from male respondents had to do with boosting egos and giving in to the peer pressure of having a mistress for the sake of status. A stressed out banker distancing himself from family creates fertile ground for indiscretions.

Relieve Stress Without An Affair

All this explains why infidelity happens, but certainly doesn’t excuse it. Although certain people, professions and/or websites make it seem otherwise, an affair is not something to be coveted. Adultery usually leads to a further rift in a relationship, and all too often is the precursor for divorce. Contrary to social and popular belief among some, infidelity is not a status symbol. Rather, it is a symptom of a life that is terribly out of balance.

Instead of choosing infidelity as a solution for relieving stress, communicate with your partner. If you’re not at a good point in your relationship, talk to SOMEONE you trust, with the goal of developing emotional intimacy with your partner. Affairs create more lies, more stress and more separation, and you’ll be worse off than when you started.

6 Reasons Why Girls Make Guys Wait for Sex

One the great Female Mysteries is why we make you wait for sex.  Here’s a list of the possible reasons:

1.         We’re not sure you’re worth it yet.

You’re iffy.  We’re honestly not sure if we want to keep you around and we know that as soon as you tap it, you’ll want to keep us.  The last thing we need is an abandoned puppy begging for sex.

2.         We’re at a vital number in our sexual career.

When I first became sexually active, I set a limit for myself.  I was going to find my husband by the time I got to sex partner #5.  I was really picky when it came to deciding who would be #5.  Then he turned out to be a total ass and dumped me for a floozy at his work.  So I said, “Well, ten is a nice number.”  I picked much better for #10, but ended up dumping him after a year.  Now, well, here’s hoping I find the one by 15.

3.         We’re currently being visited by Aunt Flo.

Also known as the monthly visitor, Aunt Flo makes us feel bloated, dirty (in a bad way), and just plain unsexy.  I like to refer to that time of the month as The Communist Invasion.  (There’s a Red Party in my pants.  Get it?)  Anyway, we may be pushing you away because we’d rather not paint the town red on our first romp.

4.         We have another iron in the fire.

Did you think we were just dating you?  Oh, sorry.  We didn’t have the exclusivity talk yet, so we assumed the game was still on.  We like you enough to keep dating you, but honestly, we’re not sure if we want to bonk you or that other guy.  It’s your brother?  Wow, we knew you looked alike…

5.         We’re not actually dating.

Are you sure we’re dating and not just cuddle buddies?  Be sure you’re on the right ladder before you assume that we’re going to bump uglies ever.  We really thought you knew that we were just friends!  Friends that spend lots of time together… oh, and that occasionally buy dinner for each other.  (Okay, you always pay.)  The snuggling?  We do that with all our friends.

6.         We’re going to dump you.

Sorry, but we’ve pretty much decided that you aren’t worth our time anymore.  There just hasn’t been a good time to tell you yet.  Yep, we’re totally aware that we’ve seen each other nearly every day for the past few weeks.  Yep, totally aware that you’ve probably dropped a few hundred dollars on food and activities.  Yep, totally aware that you’re falling harder for us every time we meet.  But we had to fully test drive you as a boyfriend before deciding if we wanted to commit for the long haul, and you just aren’t working out.  We’ll tell you – eventually.

…of course, there are tons of other reasons why your girl of choice is making you wait for sex.  But instead of asking us, why don’t you ask her?

The Three Best Break up Excuses for Guys

So it’s over with this girl, huh. Damn! Breaking up is hard, but unfortunately it’s something that if you’re in the dating game, you just have to do now and again.

Luckily for you, this article has your back on some of the essentials that you’re going to need. First of all, you’re going to need a break up excuse. And before you say anything, you DO need a break up excuse! In case you had some charmingly quaint notion about telling the truth – don’t. Just don’t. There is a time for honesty, and a time for lies, and this is definitely the latter of the two. Read more

4 Ways to be a BAD Wingman

Being a good wingman is one of the best things you can do for your single male friends. It’s the real-life version of being the Robin to your buddy’s Batman; the modern version of being a squire to their knight; the social version of…well, of being an actual wingman!

Greater love hath no man than this, that he is ready to don a loud shirt, go out on the town with his friend, and help him get a little action with the ladies.

Course they don’t teach you how to do this stuff in grade school (hmmm…maybe they should…), so maybe you don’t exactly know what to do, or what NOT to do. In that case, you’ve come to the right article! So read on for how NOT to do it. Read more

Guys: Is Your Lady Awkward in Bed? Here’s How to Fix it!

Ah, the horizontal tango. Knocking boots. Making the beast with two backs. Parking the pink Plymouth in the garage of love. Sexual congress. Sex: it’s a beautiful thing! And there sure are a lot of euphemisms for it.

Unfortunately, if it’s also a new activity for you and your lady friend, it’s entirely possible that there might be some awkwardness involved. Not on your part, of course -you’re a demon in the sack, natch – but on hers. Obviously this is not a good thing.

So what causes this and what can you do about it? Let’s take a look in a little more detail: Read more

20 Fun Ways of Conquering Boredom in Your Relationship

You’re bored. Bored, bored, bored. There’s just something not quite exciting about your relationship anymore. Well, have we here at U Say I Say have got the cure for you! Read more

Protected: 10 Out-of-the-Ordinary San Diego Date Ideas, continued

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10 Out-of-the-Ordinary San Diego Date Ideas

Those of us that live in San Diego know there are a TON of great things to do. From the beach to the desert, from amusement parks to baseball games, there is something for everyone in “America’s Finest City”.

But how do you pick from all these activities to determine what would make for a great date? Read more