Girl on Girl Hatred: A Primer for the Newly Attached

You’ve got a new girlfriend – hooray!  Life is wonderful, full of cherries and flowers and sex and deliciousness.  Right?

…right?

What’s that you say?  Your female friends hate your girlfriend? They’re always telling you that she’s a bitch, you deserve better than her, that she’s not that pretty or smart or successful.  In short, they are really displeased in your choice of mate.   What gives?

Welcome to the wonderful world of estrogen.  While men are easy to read and wear their emotions on their sleeves, women are a bit tougher to figure out.   Try to stick with me here, okay?

Here are some possible reasons why your gal pals hate your new mate:

They are jealous

I have a story for everything.  Here’s another one, sad but true.  Jen and Tony had been best friends since high school.  They took all the honors classes together, helped each other with homework, were in the same clubs.  But they were both too shy to do anything about the fact they were crazy about each other.  Mostly because each one feared the other one would think they were nuts to want to ruin the friendship by dating.  Of course, since they didn’t ever admit this to each other, they went to college thinking that they were best friends and that was that.

They went to separate colleges, but kept in touch daily over email and IMs.  (This was back in the day before everybody had cell phones – I know, ancient history!)  Tony spent his nights fantasizing about what it would be like to get with Jen and Jen spent her nights wishing more guys were like Tony.  Crazy how dense people can be, isn’t it?

So one day, junior year, Tony gets a girlfriend.  She’s practically Jen’s twin – same build, same hair, same interests.  Tony thinks, “Wow, Jen is going to love Becky!  They’re so alike!”

But Jen hates Becky.  In fact, the more Jen hears about Becky, the more she gets angry.  She tries to pick at everything Becky does and convince Tony that she’s a horrible choice for a girlfriend.  The funny thing?  Jen doesn’t even realize she’s doing this because she likes Tony – this is just her instinct.   Her GUT tells her to do this.  Why?  Because her gut wants to be the girl in bed with Tony but she’s too dense to admit it.

Your girlfriend really is horrible for you

There’s another reason why your girl friends hate your girlfriend.  It’s actually based in reality, rather than pure guts and emotion.

That reason is this – your girlfriend is horrible and you need to dump her.

Girls know other girls.  So if you have gal pals who you know FOR SURE aren’t interested in your romantically, and they tell you that your girlfriend is bad news, 90% of the time you should believe them.

A quick list of good reasons to dump your new girlfriend:

• She’s dating you for the sex (it happens).
• She’s using you for a place to live.
• She’s using you for free dinners and activities.
• She’s a gold digger and will eventually leech your bank account.
• She’s using you to get back at another guy or girl.
• She’s using you to get access to someone in your social circle.
• She’s a dirty whore and you’ll get a gift that keeps on giving.

Listen to your girl friends, guys.   Here’s a flowchart:

The Female Mind – Why We Read Into Things

Every guy I know is baffled by the amount of THINKING and OVERTHINKING that women do.  Why can’t things be straightforward and simple, the way they are in a man’s brain?   Men seem to ignore anything that doesn’t actively threaten the safety of their loved ones or their egos, but women dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, looking for reasons and answers that sometimes don’t even exist.

When a guy says, “Don’t worry about it, it’s nothing,” a woman can’t leave it be.  If he says, “Everything’s going to be okay,” she doesn’t believe him.   Because in her mind, it IS something.  It’s NEVER nothing.  And seriously, if we don’t come up with every possible route that our current situation could take in the future, we have no idea if everything will be okay in the end.  We want to play out all the possibilities in our minds and feel like we’re prepared for the worst, no matter what form it may take.

Part of this comes from the differences in male and female brains in the way that we build intimacy.  Psychologists have realized that men build intimacy with others through shared activities – thus, they feel closest to the people who they do things with.  Women build intimacy with others through sharing of important issues and problems in their lives – thus, they feel closest to the people with whom they share the most emotionally.

Put a man and a woman in a relationship.  As long as they’re doing things together and getting on fairly well, the man will assume that all is well, everything’s going to be okay.  Trouble brewing?  It’s okay, we’ll figure it out, the man thinks.  The woman, however, immediately wants to talk it over with her man.  She wants to go through the details, she wants to share with him and have him share with her.  When he refuses to listen or share his thoughts on the matter, she begins to get anxious and feel less intimately connected with him.

Weird, huh?

Our worrying is our way of trying to connect with you and build intimacy.  Sure, it’s annoying.  Sure, it’s a bit neurotic.  Sure, sometimes it’s borderline crazy.  But in the end, we do it because we care about you and we want to feel close to you.

What can you do to help us?

Listen.  I know this article is taking a kind of serious tone, but this is important, dangit!  The one thing you can do right now to make your woman worry less is to listen more.  Take time to sit down with no distractions and really hear her out when she talks about the things that worry her.  Don’t try to tell her that her fears are unfounded – if she feels them, they’re real.  Share with her any worries you’ve felt on the same subject so she knows you’re with her.  You “get it.”  Then come up with a few options together that will soothe her back into a sense of security and intimacy again.

Get your intimacy meter full and you’ll find that you get more of that OTHER intimacy, too!  Funny how that works, isn’t it?

Surprise! No one wants to hear about your good relationship

After a fun evening at Wine Steals with several friends that are in seemingly happy relationships, one of life greatest truths has become even more evident:  When you are in a good relationship that’s been going on for a while, no one wants to hear about it.

Seriously – when was the last time you REALLY wanted to hear about a friend of yours awesome relationship?  Guys – do you really want your boy to go on and on about how great Becky is, the girl he’s been dating for two years?  Ladies – are you really that interested in hearing the details of how happy your girlfriend is with fiance Dante?  NO!  No one wants to hear about that!  Its sad but true.

I can’t speak for the ladies out there, but here is how the conversation between a couple of  guys happens when things are going well between a buddy and his somewhat long-term  (longer than 6 months) girlfriend/fiance/wife:

Guy 1: “So how are things with you and Arlene?”

Guy 2: “Things are good man.  We’re really getting along well”

Guy 1: “Cool.”

And that’s it.  Next subject.

You might think we would explore the depths of this topic:

• Why are things so good with Arlene?
• What is about her that makes you happy?
• How often are you guys doing it these days?
• In what positions?

After all, since we’re buddies, you would think we would want to know why our friend is so happy!  Yet for some reason, when it comes to relationships, we don’t get into the details once we know things are good.

Contrast this with how we discuss sports, our jobs, or our house.

If we are making some updates on our house and we’re asked about how things are going with it, we’ll happily share with you all the changes we’re making, the contractors we hired, how long it will take them to finish up, etc.  We’re downright eager to talk about how well things are going in an impressive level of detail.  Same for our sports team:  Ask a soccer fan “How is the U.S. Soccer National team doing?” and they’ll be quite excited to go on about latest matches, injured players, chances in upcoming World Cup etc.

The key thing here is that guys are happy to go on about something EVEN IF THEY KNOW THE PERSON THEY’RE TALKING TO IS NOT REALLY INTERESTED (note: this seems to especially be the case with older males… go ahead… ask your Dad about how his favorite sports team is doing… $10 says he will not care if you fall asleep while he’s talking, he WILL share with you how the Aztecs are an athletic but undersized team…)

So we’re more than happy to go on and on about a subject even when we know our friends are not interested.  Yet for some reason when it comes to our relationships, we get as tight lipped as a captured terrorist.  Why is that?  Allow me to share some insights:

1. A guy doesn’t want to seem like a wuss

Guys – back me up on this one:  Those moment you’re with your lady… all happy and baby talking and stuff… not at your most manliest, am I right?

So when someone asks how things are going and things are kick-ass it makes us think about those times when we’re cuddling and giddy and not at all very manly.  As a result, we don’t want to talk about it.  Yea, it’s nice, it’s cool…. And that’s about all the insight you’re going to get because the reality is that we don’t want our friends to know that we’re super into a girl (even if we placed a rock on her finger).  Its just not masculine.

2. You don’t want to rub it in the face of others

When you’re in a happy relationship, the last thing you want to do is go into detail about it in front of others that may not be that happy.  It’s just rude.  It’s like eating a Big Mac in front of a bum.

They (your friends) want what you got (at an abstract level of course ) so there’s no need to rub it in their face how happy you are.  A simple “things are good” is explanation enough.  If they want more details they’ll ask.  And even then, as the happy guy in the relationship, you have gauge whether or not they REALLY want to know or are just being polite.  I’ll cover that in another posting.

3. It’s just not all that interesting

Ever wonder why on the Real World/Jersey Shore (they’re the same show right?  Just one has more Italians?) the group is never really happy?  That’s because… here’s the revelation… wait foooor it….

Happy isn’t interesting.

Drama is interesting.  Tears, bruises, vomit, arrests… interesting!

Baby talk, happiness, contentment…

yawn…

A good buddy of mine (let’s call him Maxwell – bonus points if you recognize him from the podcasts) made the analogy to news:  No one watches good news.  The more horrific, awful, depressing, disturbing the news is, the more likely we are to tune in.

Same for a relationship.

If you’re really happy in relationship, its just not that interesting to talk about.  If she cheated on you with a player on the Lakers?  Well shiiiiiiit, we could talk all night about that!  But, do you really want to hear about how we painted our bedroom last weekend and it was awesome?  No!  You would have started looking around for other people to talk to once I mentioned “Home Depot”.  The stuff that happy couples do just isn’t that entertaining to share.

So what’s the takeaway… the moral of the story?  Don’t be offended/surprised/disappointed once you get into a happy relationship and no one wants to hear about it.  It comes with the territory.  Don’t get mad at your friends because they don’t want to hear about how great things are.  Accept it as a (minor) side effect that comes along with dating someone awesome.

The one thing I am curious about though… do these same rules apply to the ladies?  I could see 2 & 3 applying equally across genders, but #1 it would seem you don’t have to worry about.

Is it easier to talk about happy relationships amongst your friends as a woman?  Share your thoughts.

Are Bankers And Financiers More Vulnerable To Affairs?

During a recession, bankers are the new lawyers. You know, the butts of jokes, either loved or hated. A new study shows many are feeling hated and seeking love in all the wrong places.

According to Reuters:

“IllicitEncounters.com said it has seen a huge increase in the number of financial workers signing up to have affairs after the collapse of the markets in October last year, and that “finance” continued to be one of the most represented professional areas on the site.”

Does Money Make You More Vulnerable?

The website set out to determine why this was so. They interviewed 380,000 members, 20,000 of them work in financial services and found that among some of the reasons for infidelity were public revulsion for bankers, along with lack of affection in private. Additionally, members were interested in engaging in risky behavior to escape boredom, and feeding the ego by landing a trophy mistress. Long hours, negative public sentiment, stress and separation from their partners makes those that work in finance (and any high-stress job for that matter) more prone to turn to an affair; especially now when there is more than enough stress to go around!

If we look around, we see a higher rate of affairs in other professions that are very demanding, like politicians. I’ve talked about this before and explained my theory. The bio-chemical craving for connection, as discussed in the book Financial Infidelity, stems from stress, separation and/or loss. These are probable elements for finance workers now. The stress goes without saying, and the separation aspect was even mentioned in the study, as bankers work longer and longer hours, lending fewer opportunities to connect with a spouse or partner. Thus, it’s not a stretch to think that those in this field are facing large financial losses themselves, or dealing with clients who have suffered losses.

A common reply in the study from male respondents had to do with boosting egos and giving in to the peer pressure of having a mistress for the sake of status. A stressed out banker distancing himself from family creates fertile ground for indiscretions.

Relieve Stress Without An Affair

All this explains why infidelity happens, but certainly doesn’t excuse it. Although certain people, professions and/or websites make it seem otherwise, an affair is not something to be coveted. Adultery usually leads to a further rift in a relationship, and all too often is the precursor for divorce. Contrary to social and popular belief among some, infidelity is not a status symbol. Rather, it is a symptom of a life that is terribly out of balance.

Instead of choosing infidelity as a solution for relieving stress, communicate with your partner. If you’re not at a good point in your relationship, talk to SOMEONE you trust, with the goal of developing emotional intimacy with your partner. Affairs create more lies, more stress and more separation, and you’ll be worse off than when you started.

Why Guys Dont Expect Women to Change

Of all the relationship questions known to man, the question of who does or doesn’t expect the other person to change is one that shows up one of the biggest difference between men and women.

You see, when it comes to sex and dating, men are creatures of the NOW. Ever tried to get a horny male to delay having sex for a few hours because there really isn’t time? …Or because you’re visiting your parents? Or because you’re in the mosh pit at a rock concert? Or for any other very good reason? You’re likely to hear this sort of response: “Wait until TONIGHT? Anything could happen between now and then – I could get hit by a bus, my penis could get injured, you could just decide you don’t want to anymore. Tonight may as well be never. It has to be now!”

Similarly, when we start dating you, it’s because we’re attracted to you NOW. Men don’t really factor in things like what you’ll look like in ten years, what sort of a mother you’ll make, or what you’d be like to live with. Hell, men don’t really factor in what it’ll be like to wake up next to you in the morning. Simple creatures, ain’t we?

For this reason, men are continually surprised when things about you or about the relationship do change, as they inevitably will. “Wow, you kind of have a lot of grey hair now – I wasn’t expecting that!”

This is especially true for sex.

Ok, this probably sounds ridiculous, but a lot of us convince ourselves that the early-relationship wherever/whenever 10-times-a-week sex is going to be a feature of our relationship with you for as long as we’re both physically capable of it.

Yes, this does lead to some disappointment.

Women, bless you all, seem to be able to think in terms that are a little more long-range when it comes to dating, sex and relationships. However, the problem with this is that women often ‘look into the future’ and make the mistake of thinking that their man will change (for the better!) once they start dating. Thus we have the popular refrain “I really thought I could change him”, which has been uttered by many, many a woman down through the centuries.

This is usually mission: impossible, because after the age of fourteen, men stay as much the same as they can possible manage to. In times past, men ‘grew up’ because they were forced to by their circumstances, or because it was an attractive option. Now, we can play Playstation, buy toys, have sex, drink, party, and risk our necks doing foolish things from early adolescence until our joints seize up, and many of us try to do just that.

There is one thing that really does change men though, and that’s fatherhood. Call us soft, but there’s something about those little guys (or girls) that might just make us agree to give up the motorbike and the base-jumping…at least until they’re older.

So there you go. If you really want a man to change, just have his baby! It’s that simple.

DEBATE: Will Elin Nordegren Divorce Tiger Woods Because of His Cheating?

By now unless you are blind, deaf and have no friends, you have heard that Tiger Woods, the world’s #1 golfer and arguably the best golfer of all time was recently caught cheating on his wife Elin Nordegren.  There doesn’t seem to much dispute about whether or not he committed adultery, although how much adultery remains in question as woman after woman comes out of the woodwork to add to Tiger’s list of “transgressions“.

You know we here at U Say, I Say would have something to say about this, especially considering how much attention our Steve McNair debate generated.

So in light of the degree of the transgressions committed by Tiger, Sital and Adam debate the following question:

Will Elin Nordegren divorce Tiger Woods because of his cheating?

So read both Adam and Sital’s takes below, then log your vote.  We’ll send out the results in about two weeks time.

6 Reasons Why Girls Make Guys Wait for Sex

One the great Female Mysteries is why we make you wait for sex.  Here’s a list of the possible reasons:

1.         We’re not sure you’re worth it yet.

You’re iffy.  We’re honestly not sure if we want to keep you around and we know that as soon as you tap it, you’ll want to keep us.  The last thing we need is an abandoned puppy begging for sex.

2.         We’re at a vital number in our sexual career.

When I first became sexually active, I set a limit for myself.  I was going to find my husband by the time I got to sex partner #5.  I was really picky when it came to deciding who would be #5.  Then he turned out to be a total ass and dumped me for a floozy at his work.  So I said, “Well, ten is a nice number.”  I picked much better for #10, but ended up dumping him after a year.  Now, well, here’s hoping I find the one by 15.

3.         We’re currently being visited by Aunt Flo.

Also known as the monthly visitor, Aunt Flo makes us feel bloated, dirty (in a bad way), and just plain unsexy.  I like to refer to that time of the month as The Communist Invasion.  (There’s a Red Party in my pants.  Get it?)  Anyway, we may be pushing you away because we’d rather not paint the town red on our first romp.

4.         We have another iron in the fire.

Did you think we were just dating you?  Oh, sorry.  We didn’t have the exclusivity talk yet, so we assumed the game was still on.  We like you enough to keep dating you, but honestly, we’re not sure if we want to bonk you or that other guy.  It’s your brother?  Wow, we knew you looked alike…

5.         We’re not actually dating.

Are you sure we’re dating and not just cuddle buddies?  Be sure you’re on the right ladder before you assume that we’re going to bump uglies ever.  We really thought you knew that we were just friends!  Friends that spend lots of time together… oh, and that occasionally buy dinner for each other.  (Okay, you always pay.)  The snuggling?  We do that with all our friends.

6.         We’re going to dump you.

Sorry, but we’ve pretty much decided that you aren’t worth our time anymore.  There just hasn’t been a good time to tell you yet.  Yep, we’re totally aware that we’ve seen each other nearly every day for the past few weeks.  Yep, totally aware that you’ve probably dropped a few hundred dollars on food and activities.  Yep, totally aware that you’re falling harder for us every time we meet.  But we had to fully test drive you as a boyfriend before deciding if we wanted to commit for the long haul, and you just aren’t working out.  We’ll tell you – eventually.

…of course, there are tons of other reasons why your girl of choice is making you wait for sex.  But instead of asking us, why don’t you ask her?

Will Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian Last at least Two Years?

Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian have been dating for a little less than two months.  Surprising both family and friends, they have decided to wed despite their short time together.  This has led many to wonder their true intentions and sets the scene for another U Say, I Say debate.

The question:  Will Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashians marriage last at least two years?

8 Reasons Why are Girls Always So Cold

I’m sure you’re pretty familiar with this scenario.   It’s bedtime and you and your sweetie hop beneath the sheets to snuggle.  Everything’s fine and good until you are attacked by her ice-cold feet.  “Ooooh,” she says, rubbing those frozen piggies all over you. “You’re so WARMMM! Why are you so warm?  I’m cold!”  Meanwhile you’re torn between wanting to get laid and wanting to kick her frozen ass right out of bed.

Ever wanted to know why women are so darn cold when you’re burning up in the exact same room, wearing similar clothing?  Well, there’s no definite answer, but there are several theories floating around that may interest you:

Women lose heat faster due to a higher ratio of skin surface area to body volume.

The bigger you are, the more heat you produce, but it disappears through your skin.  Since women are on the whole smaller than men, they lose heat faster.

Men have more muscle mass.

Muscles have blood vessels, blood vessels flow with delicious warm blood, thus, the more muscle, the more blood.  The more blood, the more warmth.

Women are built to keep buns warm in the oven.

There’s a neat process called vasoconstriction, by which our bodies cut off blood flow to the skin to keep internal organs and core temperature stable.  Women’s bodies do this at higher temperatures than men, probably as an evolutionary protection mechanism for unborn babies.

Menstruation causes a loss of body heat.

This one hasn’t really been proven, but there are people out there that claim that bleeding for a week (with the ensuing anemia) plus hormonal changes, makes us shivering bitches once a month.

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Men have a higher metabolism.

You’ve heard the analogy – your metabolism is the fire burning in your body, fueling your cells.  Well, if you have a bigger engine, it’s going to put out more heat, right?

Women wear less clothing.

Ah, here’s Captain Obvious to the rescue.  Let’s take John and Sue, typical office monkeys.  It’s August and it’s pretty hot.  John’s business casual outfit involves khaki pants, and undershirt, and a short-sleeved polo shirt.  He wears socks and shoes.  Sue’s business casual outfit involves khaki pants, a sleeveless blouse, and an adorable pair of open-toed heels.  John’s got three extra layers of protection against the A/C blasting at AcmeCo:  an undershirt, socks, and closed-toed shoes.  Not to mention that his cotton blend polo is probably much warmer than her polyester blend blouse.

Eating habits can bring on the chill.

Think about how many times you have heard a woman in your office say, “I haven’t had a bite to eat all day.”  An under-fueled body is a cold body!

Caffeine and alcohol, the silent freezers.

You might think, “But I feel so warm when I drink coffee!”  or “There’s nothing like a shot of Captain to warm you up!”  But in fact, while alcohol and caffeine rush blood to the skin and make you feel warm initially, they actually suck the heat right out of you.  If your Ice Princess is a coffee hound (or a tequila guzzling floozy), this might be the cause of her frozen toesies.

Whatever the reason, it’s a problem that all men (and lesbians) have to deal with – cold feet, cold hands, cold noses, and cold asses.  But hey, you’re sharing a bed with a woman!!  Why are you complaining?

Why Men Open Car Doors for Ladies (and Paris Hilton)

This is a great question, one every man should be asked or ask themselves. Why DO we open car doors for you? Clearly you have functioning arms and legs of your own, so opening it yourself shouldn’t present much of a problem. Besides, having us open the door means you have to wait while we get out of the car and run around to your side, just to open a door that you could have opened yourself in about two seconds. Seriously, does it make ANY sense?

Not much!  Not much until you realize that opening car doors for you is a small gesture that opens up…a different world.

Let me explain.

Opening a car door is a manly, romantic gesture. Contrary to popular belief, men need a little romance and fantasy in their lives once in a while too. A little gesture like opening a car door, offering you our jacket, or paying for dinner makes us feel like romance is not dead, that once in a while we can act like romantic men and have it appreciated.

Why do we like this?

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Maybe because being romantic transports us back to an age when (in our heads) everything was glamorous and sexy, when we got to be men and women got to be women. An age, perhaps, when the rules were fairer, and clearer, and if you wore a sharp suit and a great hat and opened car doors, you’d get a gorgeous girl who’d hang off your arm, giggle at all your jokes, and make you feel like a man.

Similarly with paying for dinner.

A lot of young, single women make as much money as men do these days, so why do men still often pay for dinner, particularly on a first date? Is it to make you feel obliged to let us cop a feel on your front step when we drop you home?

Well, that might be a small part of it…

But a bigger part of it is that, again, paying for dinner is a romantic gesture that makes us feel like men. What paying for dinner means is this: I’m powerful; I’m in control. It was my idea to have dinner, it was my idea where to go to eat, and I have the money to pay for whatever I like.

The thing is that the modern day world sometimes makes men feel like they don’t get to be men anymore. Women have important jobs too, sometimes more important than ours, and they earn money and make decisions and (sometimes) have promiscuous sex just like we do. Some of the space and some of the roles that used to be ours and ours alone now have to be shared. Overall, that’s undoubtedly a good thing, but it can make us feel like we’re more and more peripheral, without much of a real identity.

As you might have guessed by now, a simple thing like opening a car door actually reveals a lot about deep dark male psychology! And in case you were wondering, if you want the men around you to be happy and treat you well, give them a chance to act like the romantic men they secretly want to be once in a while. Let them know you appreciate it and you’ll definitely enjoy the consequences!

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