Surprise! No one wants to hear about your good relationship

After a fun evening at Wine Steals with several friends that are in seemingly happy relationships, one of life greatest truths has become even more evident:  When you are in a good relationship that’s been going on for a while, no one wants to hear about it.

Seriously – when was the last time you REALLY wanted to hear about a friend of yours awesome relationship?  Guys – do you really want your boy to go on and on about how great Becky is, the girl he’s been dating for two years?  Ladies – are you really that interested in hearing the details of how happy your girlfriend is with fiance Dante?  NO!  No one wants to hear about that!  Its sad but true.

I can’t speak for the ladies out there, but here is how the conversation between a couple of  guys happens when things are going well between a buddy and his somewhat long-term  (longer than 6 months) girlfriend/fiance/wife:

Guy 1: “So how are things with you and Arlene?”

Guy 2: “Things are good man.  We’re really getting along well”

Guy 1: “Cool.”

And that’s it.  Next subject.

You might think we would explore the depths of this topic:

• Why are things so good with Arlene?
• What is about her that makes you happy?
• How often are you guys doing it these days?
• In what positions?

After all, since we’re buddies, you would think we would want to know why our friend is so happy!  Yet for some reason, when it comes to relationships, we don’t get into the details once we know things are good.

Contrast this with how we discuss sports, our jobs, or our house.

If we are making some updates on our house and we’re asked about how things are going with it, we’ll happily share with you all the changes we’re making, the contractors we hired, how long it will take them to finish up, etc.  We’re downright eager to talk about how well things are going in an impressive level of detail.  Same for our sports team:  Ask a soccer fan “How is the U.S. Soccer National team doing?” and they’ll be quite excited to go on about latest matches, injured players, chances in upcoming World Cup etc.

The key thing here is that guys are happy to go on about something EVEN IF THEY KNOW THE PERSON THEY’RE TALKING TO IS NOT REALLY INTERESTED (note: this seems to especially be the case with older males… go ahead… ask your Dad about how his favorite sports team is doing… $10 says he will not care if you fall asleep while he’s talking, he WILL share with you how the Aztecs are an athletic but undersized team…)

So we’re more than happy to go on and on about a subject even when we know our friends are not interested.  Yet for some reason when it comes to our relationships, we get as tight lipped as a captured terrorist.  Why is that?  Allow me to share some insights:

1. A guy doesn’t want to seem like a wuss

Guys – back me up on this one:  Those moment you’re with your lady… all happy and baby talking and stuff… not at your most manliest, am I right?

So when someone asks how things are going and things are kick-ass it makes us think about those times when we’re cuddling and giddy and not at all very manly.  As a result, we don’t want to talk about it.  Yea, it’s nice, it’s cool…. And that’s about all the insight you’re going to get because the reality is that we don’t want our friends to know that we’re super into a girl (even if we placed a rock on her finger).  Its just not masculine.

2. You don’t want to rub it in the face of others

When you’re in a happy relationship, the last thing you want to do is go into detail about it in front of others that may not be that happy.  It’s just rude.  It’s like eating a Big Mac in front of a bum.

They (your friends) want what you got (at an abstract level of course ) so there’s no need to rub it in their face how happy you are.  A simple “things are good” is explanation enough.  If they want more details they’ll ask.  And even then, as the happy guy in the relationship, you have gauge whether or not they REALLY want to know or are just being polite.  I’ll cover that in another posting.

3. It’s just not all that interesting

Ever wonder why on the Real World/Jersey Shore (they’re the same show right?  Just one has more Italians?) the group is never really happy?  That’s because… here’s the revelation… wait foooor it….

Happy isn’t interesting.

Drama is interesting.  Tears, bruises, vomit, arrests… interesting!

Baby talk, happiness, contentment…

yawn…

A good buddy of mine (let’s call him Maxwell – bonus points if you recognize him from the podcasts) made the analogy to news:  No one watches good news.  The more horrific, awful, depressing, disturbing the news is, the more likely we are to tune in.

Same for a relationship.

If you’re really happy in relationship, its just not that interesting to talk about.  If she cheated on you with a player on the Lakers?  Well shiiiiiiit, we could talk all night about that!  But, do you really want to hear about how we painted our bedroom last weekend and it was awesome?  No!  You would have started looking around for other people to talk to once I mentioned “Home Depot”.  The stuff that happy couples do just isn’t that entertaining to share.

So what’s the takeaway… the moral of the story?  Don’t be offended/surprised/disappointed once you get into a happy relationship and no one wants to hear about it.  It comes with the territory.  Don’t get mad at your friends because they don’t want to hear about how great things are.  Accept it as a (minor) side effect that comes along with dating someone awesome.

The one thing I am curious about though… do these same rules apply to the ladies?  I could see 2 & 3 applying equally across genders, but #1 it would seem you don’t have to worry about.

Is it easier to talk about happy relationships amongst your friends as a woman?  Share your thoughts.

Why Guys Dont Expect Women to Change

Of all the relationship questions known to man, the question of who does or doesn’t expect the other person to change is one that shows up one of the biggest difference between men and women.

You see, when it comes to sex and dating, men are creatures of the NOW. Ever tried to get a horny male to delay having sex for a few hours because there really isn’t time? …Or because you’re visiting your parents? Or because you’re in the mosh pit at a rock concert? Or for any other very good reason? You’re likely to hear this sort of response: “Wait until TONIGHT? Anything could happen between now and then – I could get hit by a bus, my penis could get injured, you could just decide you don’t want to anymore. Tonight may as well be never. It has to be now!”

Similarly, when we start dating you, it’s because we’re attracted to you NOW. Men don’t really factor in things like what you’ll look like in ten years, what sort of a mother you’ll make, or what you’d be like to live with. Hell, men don’t really factor in what it’ll be like to wake up next to you in the morning. Simple creatures, ain’t we?

For this reason, men are continually surprised when things about you or about the relationship do change, as they inevitably will. “Wow, you kind of have a lot of grey hair now – I wasn’t expecting that!”

This is especially true for sex.

Ok, this probably sounds ridiculous, but a lot of us convince ourselves that the early-relationship wherever/whenever 10-times-a-week sex is going to be a feature of our relationship with you for as long as we’re both physically capable of it.

Yes, this does lead to some disappointment.

Women, bless you all, seem to be able to think in terms that are a little more long-range when it comes to dating, sex and relationships. However, the problem with this is that women often ‘look into the future’ and make the mistake of thinking that their man will change (for the better!) once they start dating. Thus we have the popular refrain “I really thought I could change him”, which has been uttered by many, many a woman down through the centuries.

This is usually mission: impossible, because after the age of fourteen, men stay as much the same as they can possible manage to. In times past, men ‘grew up’ because they were forced to by their circumstances, or because it was an attractive option. Now, we can play Playstation, buy toys, have sex, drink, party, and risk our necks doing foolish things from early adolescence until our joints seize up, and many of us try to do just that.

There is one thing that really does change men though, and that’s fatherhood. Call us soft, but there’s something about those little guys (or girls) that might just make us agree to give up the motorbike and the base-jumping…at least until they’re older.

So there you go. If you really want a man to change, just have his baby! It’s that simple.

Why Men Open Car Doors for Ladies (and Paris Hilton)

This is a great question, one every man should be asked or ask themselves. Why DO we open car doors for you? Clearly you have functioning arms and legs of your own, so opening it yourself shouldn’t present much of a problem. Besides, having us open the door means you have to wait while we get out of the car and run around to your side, just to open a door that you could have opened yourself in about two seconds. Seriously, does it make ANY sense?

Not much!  Not much until you realize that opening car doors for you is a small gesture that opens up…a different world.

Let me explain.

Opening a car door is a manly, romantic gesture. Contrary to popular belief, men need a little romance and fantasy in their lives once in a while too. A little gesture like opening a car door, offering you our jacket, or paying for dinner makes us feel like romance is not dead, that once in a while we can act like romantic men and have it appreciated.

Why do we like this?

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Maybe because being romantic transports us back to an age when (in our heads) everything was glamorous and sexy, when we got to be men and women got to be women. An age, perhaps, when the rules were fairer, and clearer, and if you wore a sharp suit and a great hat and opened car doors, you’d get a gorgeous girl who’d hang off your arm, giggle at all your jokes, and make you feel like a man.

Similarly with paying for dinner.

A lot of young, single women make as much money as men do these days, so why do men still often pay for dinner, particularly on a first date? Is it to make you feel obliged to let us cop a feel on your front step when we drop you home?

Well, that might be a small part of it…

But a bigger part of it is that, again, paying for dinner is a romantic gesture that makes us feel like men. What paying for dinner means is this: I’m powerful; I’m in control. It was my idea to have dinner, it was my idea where to go to eat, and I have the money to pay for whatever I like.

The thing is that the modern day world sometimes makes men feel like they don’t get to be men anymore. Women have important jobs too, sometimes more important than ours, and they earn money and make decisions and (sometimes) have promiscuous sex just like we do. Some of the space and some of the roles that used to be ours and ours alone now have to be shared. Overall, that’s undoubtedly a good thing, but it can make us feel like we’re more and more peripheral, without much of a real identity.

As you might have guessed by now, a simple thing like opening a car door actually reveals a lot about deep dark male psychology! And in case you were wondering, if you want the men around you to be happy and treat you well, give them a chance to act like the romantic men they secretly want to be once in a while. Let them know you appreciate it and you’ll definitely enjoy the consequences!

The Secret of Why Guys Like to Watch Porn

Have you ever looked through the 25c bin in an antiques store, and come across some of those sepia-tint dirty postcards from the 1920s?

If you have, maybe it was of a naked lady with a tasteful hairdo, posing tastefully in a nice outdoor setting. Believe it or not, in the 1920s, that was hardcore pornography.

But by today’s standards, that kind of thing is no longer exactly what you would call lurid, is it- not exactly on any kind of a level with, say, MILF Hunter, the Pam & Tommy video, or The Bang Bus.

No, whichever way you look at it, pornography has really changed a lot over the years.

Even as recently as the 1980s, pornography meant your older brother’s secret stash of well-loved Playboy magazines. You’d sneak into his room when he was out, pick your favorite out of the pile and nervously thumb through the pages. Usually the women were too hairy for you to get a good idea of what you were looking at, but by god it was still a turn-on!

Things today are a little different.

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Even porn DVDs are passé now that the internet allows us the ability to see any kind of porn we want, wherever and whenever we want, and very often for free. Fetishes…interracial…gangbangs and beyond, it’s all there. (Trust me, I’ve checked…hey, I had to do my research!) And age, money, sexual preference, time of day – none of these are any barrier to accessing the pornographic world.

And make no mistake; men all around the world are consuming that porn avidly. Maybe not every single one, but you can bet that 95% of those with an internet connection at home and a free hand to touch themselves with are at least semi-regular consumers. Yes, including your little brother. Yes, including your dad. Yes, including your boyfriend.

So the big question: why do we watch it?

The answer is that men watch porn because it’s a turn-on (bet you weren’t expecting THAT!), and frankly, getting horny feels good (again, a shocking revelation). You see, the thing is that seeing or hearing or imagining other people have sex is meant to be a turn-on; it’s nature’s way of ensuring that if other people are getting some in our vicinity we’re not left out of the action! It’s just that the ’seeing or hearing or imagining’ part is so much easier now than it was when we all we had were those dirty postcards, and of course the ‘in our vicinity’ part left the building as soon as we starting painting on cave walls.

Also, pornography scratches that itch inside all men that drives us to try and bed a variety of women, rather than staying faithful to just one. Until they update the definition of cheating to include what goes on in our heads, looking at porn is a kind of guilt-free release valve for our more basic lusts. So as distasteful as it might be to you, keep in mind that the alternative might be a lot worse.

It would be nice if it ended there, but unfortunately it doesn’t. It’s hard to watch a lot of something without it having an influence on the way you think, and it’s true that over time porn does do this. It’s hard to watch orgy after orgy, for example, without feeling like you should be taking part in more orgies, and that’s a feeling that’s likely to cause problems. Basically, while porn in small doses is harmless, a porn addiction is not healthy.

The moral of the story is a simple one, and it’s this: like most pleasures in life, porn is best enjoyed in moderation…with a lady friend…or two

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Little Known Reasons Why He Won’t Marry You

Ahh, the big ‘M’. No book, article, magazine, website, radio play, musical, speech or casual conversation about dating and relationships would be complete without a consideration of Holy Matrimony, would it.

Well then.

The answer to this time-honored question is really a bit of a two-parter. As far as the dating part goes, it breaks down like this: we’ll date you for a long time for all the expected reasons – because we’re attracted to you, because we love you, because we like your company, because you laugh at our jokes, because you’re pretty, because we like your ass and because your hair smells good. Even because, well, we really can’t imagine life without you (whether or not we admit the fact). Sound good so far? Nothing unexpected there hopefully.

On to part two.

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I know what you’re thinking: if the dating is so good, what’s with the lack of intention to get married? And the answer is just that…well…marriage is so final.

Yes we love you, yes we want to stay together, but to voluntarily pledge eternal commitment to one woman is, for a man, to do something that flies in the face of our deep impulses to spread our seed far and wide - impulses that have been shaped by millions of years of evolution. That doesn’t mean that we don’t want to or can’t stay faithful to just one woman, it just means…that we don’t want to have to promise to out loud.

Don’t forget that ultimately, marriage is no more than a social ritual. No doubt it’s an important one, and one that exists in many different cultures, but it’s no more than that. It’s not going to make a bad relationship into a good one, and once the last thank-you card has been written nothing will have changed.

If you’re wondering why men aren’t as keen on marriage now as they were a couple of generations ago, remember that getting married used to mean that you could start having sex.

This meant that people tended to marry very young (and still do in many midwest states)! The fact that most of us are now happy to ‘put out’ before entering into the bounds of holy matrimony is, not to put too fine a point on it, something of a game-changer.

To complete the picture, one must also point out that the statistics irrefutably show that marriage is in decline. People marry comparatively late in life now, and around 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Do we really want to start something that appears to be doomed to failure from the get-go? Could marriage have had its day? Do we even need it anymore?

Finally, if you’re reading this, maybe you’re a woman who’s been in a relationship with a man for some time, and maybe you’re asking yourself, why hasn’t he asked me to marry him? Why isn’t he giving me what I want?

Well, you could ask yourself, are you giving him what he wants? Like, say…a threesome with you and your bestie?   No, thought not.

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The Obvious (but still funny) Reasons Why a Guy Wont Spend the Night with You After Sex

In the imperial court of Japan in the 10^th-century A.D., extra-marital relations were common, and people often had multiple lovers. After a night-time assignation, the man would stroll home through the dewy morn, composing a poem for his lady friend as he walked. Romantic, no? Well 1100 years later, things have changed! Far from staying the night, then leaving only when dawn breaks in order to work on one’s poetry, sometimes now men just want to do the business, get up, wipe themselves on the curtains, and get out of there ASAP!

…Which is a little odd, when you think about it. After all, sex is great (…really, REALLY great), but cuddling/snuggling/spooning someone you’re attracted to, going to sleep with them (in a dopey, pleasant post-sex haze aka “O time”), then waking up next to them – that’s pretty great too, even if you don’t want or intend for things to go beyond the one encounter. Besides, there’s always the chance of a little (or even a lot) more action come the morning. Surely no rational person would pass all of this up for a taxi and a cold, empty bed?

Look, there’s no easy way to say this. The indelicate truth is that if we don’t want to spend the night with you, it’s probably because we’re no longer horny or quite as drunk. Sorry! Told you it was indelicate.

So that’s one reason, and the most common one. Another reason might be that we think you’re going to expect a relationship to follow our night of sweaty passion, and we don’t want that because we’re just not that into you. We think that if we stay the night, you might take that as evidence that we are that into you, and that would be awkward, so it’s better to go sooner rather than later.

Oh, one final reason – because by having sex with you we’re cheating on someone else, and (again, now that we’re no longer horny or quite as drunk) we suddenly feel very guilty about it.

So there are three main reasons: 1) We’re now sober; 2) We think you want a relationship and we’re not that into you, and 3) You’re the Other Woman (you home wrecker!). Question: answered!

While we’re on the subject though, it needs to be said that whichever way you slice it, and whatever the reasons are, leaving immediately after sex is pretty bad form. If you’re a woman and a guy does it to you, you have every right to be annoyed about it. Hell, don’t just get annoyed about it, curse the guy out! Really give him a piece of your mind. Quote this article if you need to. The post-coital cuddle is surely an assumed part of any sexual invitation, and it should be observed. If people signed contracts before sex (hmm…not a bad idea!), one can imagine it being a prominent term…right after the space where you initial to indicate that any oral activity will be reciprocated in full

How A Guy Knows When He’s Got You Hooked

Ever heard of the expression ‘doggy dinner bowl look’?

Like a hungry puppy dog contemplating a bowl of food, the doggy dinner bowl look (or DDBL) is one of unrestrained desire, and for men who recognize it, it’s the ultimate signal that a woman is all yours. Of course, you have to watch for it, and it can be easy to miss!

Failing the DDBL, the next best signal that lets us know you’re ours is when you start to laugh at all our jokes (let’s face it, not all of them are funny). That’s a pretty sure signal too.

As a matter of fact, in the ’seduction community’ (these are the guys who’ve elevated getting girls to an art form), the gold standard for knowing a woman is interested in you is three ‘IOIs’ within a short space of time. IOI stands for ‘indicator of interest‘, and it could be anything from the above mentioned laughter-at-bad-jokes, to the classic playing-with-the-hair, to compliments, touching, leaning in, holding hands while squeezing through a crowd and then not letting go straight away afterwords, and so on.

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Not all men are so knowledgeable about women though, so if you want to let a guy know you like him, sometimes you’ll need to spell out your interest a little more clearly…yes, a written invitation would be lovely, thanks.

Of course, this all relates strictly to when we first meet you. A little further along in the relationship, how do we know you’re getting serious about us? …Well, sex is usually a good start! If that hurdle has already been jumped, then the final signal we look for that it’s not merely a fling for you is either or both of the following:

1) Any sign of jealousy – for example, we talk to another girl on a night out, and you get bent out of shape about it; and 2) Being introduced to your friends or family. Why these two things? Read on to find out.

Jealousy

Why is jealousy a powerful indicator that we’ve got you hooked? Because jealousy is reserved for people we feel something for. In order to be jealous of someone, you have to care about them in the first place. It’s exactly the same for men as it is for women, and as an aside, this is why while it’s fine to recount tales of your sexual (mis)adventures with a guy you’re seeing on a casual basis, it’s not a good idea to do the same thing with a guy you’re serious about.

A man who’s really into you doesn’t want to think about you being with anyone else, whether it’s in the present, the future, or a day before your 16^th birthday upstairs at Susie Mitchell’s party with that boy from the 10^th grade. Men are funny like that. So keep it to yourself.

Meeting your friends or family

When people get a new boyfriend or girlfriend that they like and are serious about, they always (consciously or subconsciously) want the approval of their friends and family. This works a little differently for guys, because if you’re really hot, we might introduce you to our mates strictly on a ‘check-out-the-girl-I’m-doing-it-with, not-bad-eh basis’, but generally people introduce their lovers to friends and family because they’re seeking approval of their choice.

So: when you invite us to dinner at your parent’s place, brunch with your sister, or even on a night out with your friends, and then you get jealous if we spend too much time talking to the other ladies in the group, we know that’s a sure signal you want us to stick around!

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