…right?

What’s that you say?  Your female friends hate your girlfriend? They’re always telling you that she’s a bitch, you deserve better than her, that she’s not that pretty or smart or successful.  In short, they are really displeased in your choice of mate.   What gives?

Welcome to the wonderful world of estrogen.  While men are easy to read and wear their emotions on their sleeves, women are a bit tougher to figure out.   Try to stick with me here, okay?

Here are some possible reasons why your gal pals hate your new mate:

They are jealous

I have a story for everything.  Here’s another one, sad but true.  Jen and Tony had been best friends since high school.  They took all the honors classes together, helped each other with homework, were in the same clubs.  But they were both too shy to do anything about the fact they were crazy about each other.  Mostly because each one feared the other one would think they were nuts to want to ruin the friendship by dating.  Of course, since they didn’t ever admit this to each other, they went to college thinking that they were best friends and that was that.

They went to separate colleges, but kept in touch daily over email and IMs.  (This was back in the day before everybody had cell phones – I know, ancient history!)  Tony spent his nights fantasizing about what it would be like to get with Jen and Jen spent her nights wishing more guys were like Tony.  Crazy how dense people can be, isn’t it?

So one day, junior year, Tony gets a girlfriend.  She’s practically Jen’s twin – same build, same hair, same interests.  Tony thinks, “Wow, Jen is going to love Becky!  They’re so alike!”

But Jen hates Becky.  In fact, the more Jen hears about Becky, the more she gets angry.  She tries to pick at everything Becky does and convince Tony that she’s a horrible choice for a girlfriend.  The funny thing?  Jen doesn’t even realize she’s doing this because she likes Tony – this is just her instinct.   Her GUT tells her to do this.  Why?  Because her gut wants to be the girl in bed with Tony but she’s too dense to admit it.

Your girlfriend really is horrible for you

There’s another reason why your girl friends hate your girlfriend.  It’s actually based in reality, rather than pure guts and emotion.

That reason is this – your girlfriend is horrible and you need to dump her.

Girls know other girls.  So if you have gal pals who you know FOR SURE aren’t interested in your romantically, and they tell you that your girlfriend is bad news, 90% of the time you should believe them.

A quick list of good reasons to dump your new girlfriend:

• She’s dating you for the sex (it happens).
• She’s using you for a place to live.
• She’s using you for free dinners and activities.
• She’s a gold digger and will eventually leech your bank account.
• She’s using you to get back at another guy or girl.
• She’s using you to get access to someone in your social circle.
• She’s a dirty whore and you’ll get a gift that keeps on giving.

Listen to your girl friends, guys.   Here’s a flowchart:

When a guy says, “Don’t worry about it, it’s nothing,” a woman can’t leave it be.  If he says, “Everything’s going to be okay,” she doesn’t believe him.   Because in her mind, it IS something.  It’s NEVER nothing.  And seriously, if we don’t come up with every possible route that our current situation could take in the future, we have no idea if everything will be okay in the end.  We want to play out all the possibilities in our minds and feel like we’re prepared for the worst, no matter what form it may take.

Part of this comes from the differences in male and female brains in the way that we build intimacy.  Psychologists have realized that men build intimacy with others through shared activities – thus, they feel closest to the people who they do things with.  Women build intimacy with others through sharing of important issues and problems in their lives – thus, they feel closest to the people with whom they share the most emotionally.

Put a man and a woman in a relationship.  As long as they’re doing things together and getting on fairly well, the man will assume that all is well, everything’s going to be okay.  Trouble brewing?  It’s okay, we’ll figure it out, the man thinks.  The woman, however, immediately wants to talk it over with her man.  She wants to go through the details, she wants to share with him and have him share with her.  When he refuses to listen or share his thoughts on the matter, she begins to get anxious and feel less intimately connected with him.

Weird, huh?

Our worrying is our way of trying to connect with you and build intimacy.  Sure, it’s annoying.  Sure, it’s a bit neurotic.  Sure, sometimes it’s borderline crazy.  But in the end, we do it because we care about you and we want to feel close to you.

What can you do to help us?

Listen.  I know this article is taking a kind of serious tone, but this is important, dangit!  The one thing you can do right now to make your woman worry less is to listen more.  Take time to sit down with no distractions and really hear her out when she talks about the things that worry her.  Don’t try to tell her that her fears are unfounded – if she feels them, they’re real.  Share with her any worries you’ve felt on the same subject so she knows you’re with her.  You “get it.”  Then come up with a few options together that will soothe her back into a sense of security and intimacy again.

Get your intimacy meter full and you’ll find that you get more of that OTHER intimacy, too!  Funny how that works, isn’t it?

Happy Couple = boring to talk about

After a fun evening at Wine Steals with several friends that are in seemingly happy relationships, one of life greatest truths has become even more evident:  When you are in a good relationship that’s been going on for a while, no one wants to hear about it.

Seriously – when was the last time you REALLY wanted to hear about a friend of yours awesome relationship?  Guys – do you really want your boy to go on and on about how great Becky is, the girl he’s been dating for two years?  Ladies – are you really that interested in hearing the details of how happy your girlfriend is with fiance Dante?  NO!  No one wants to hear about that!  Its sad but true.

I can’t speak for the ladies out there, but here is how the conversation between a couple of  guys happens when things are going well between a buddy and his somewhat long-term  (longer than 6 months) girlfriend/fiance/wife:

Guy 1: “So how are things with you and Arlene?”

Guy 2: “Things are good man.  We’re really getting along well”

Guy 1: “Cool.”

And that’s it.  Next subject.

You might think we would explore the depths of this topic:

• Why are things so good with Arlene?
• What is about her that makes you happy?
• How often are you guys doing it these days?
• In what positions?

After all, since we’re buddies, you would think we would want to know why our friend is so happy!  Yet for some reason, when it comes to relationships, we don’t get into the details once we know things are good.

Contrast this with how we discuss sports, our jobs, or our house.

If we are making some updates on our house and we’re asked about how things are going with it, we’ll happily share with you all the changes we’re making, the contractors we hired, how long it will take them to finish up, etc.  We’re downright eager to talk about how well things are going in an impressive level of detail.  Same for our sports team:  Ask a soccer fan “How is the U.S. Soccer National team doing?” and they’ll be quite excited to go on about latest matches, injured players, chances in upcoming World Cup etc.

The key thing here is that guys are happy to go on about something EVEN IF THEY KNOW THE PERSON THEY’RE TALKING TO IS NOT REALLY INTERESTED (note: this seems to especially be the case with older males… go ahead… ask your Dad about how his favorite sports team is doing… $10 says he will not care if you fall asleep while he’s talking, he WILL share with you how the Aztecs are an athletic but undersized team…)

So we’re more than happy to go on and on about a subject even when we know our friends are not interested.  Yet for some reason when it comes to our relationships, we get as tight lipped as a captured terrorist.  Why is that?  Allow me to share some insights:

1. A guy doesn’t want to seem like a wuss

Guys – back me up on this one:  Those moment you’re with your lady… all happy and baby talking and stuff… not at your most manliest, am I right?

So when someone asks how things are going and things are kick-ass it makes us think about those times when we’re cuddling and giddy and not at all very manly.  As a result, we don’t want to talk about it.  Yea, it’s nice, it’s cool…. And that’s about all the insight you’re going to get because the reality is that we don’t want our friends to know that we’re super into a girl (even if we placed a rock on her finger).  Its just not masculine.

2. You don’t want to rub it in the face of others

When you’re in a happy relationship, the last thing you want to do is go into detail about it in front of others that may not be that happy.  It’s just rude.  It’s like eating a Big Mac in front of a bum.

They (your friends) want what you got (at an abstract level of course ) so there’s no need to rub it in their face how happy you are.  A simple “things are good” is explanation enough.  If they want more details they’ll ask.  And even then, as the happy guy in the relationship, you have gauge whether or not they REALLY want to know or are just being polite.  I’ll cover that in another posting.

3. It’s just not all that interesting

Ever wonder why on the Real World/Jersey Shore (they’re the same show right?  Just one has more Italians?) the group is never really happy?  That’s because… here’s the revelation… wait foooor it….

Happy isn’t interesting.

Drama is interesting.  Tears, bruises, vomit, arrests… interesting!

Baby talk, happiness, contentment…

yawn…

A good buddy of mine (let’s call him Maxwell – bonus points if you recognize him from the podcasts) made the analogy to news:  No one watches good news.  The more horrific, awful, depressing, disturbing the news is, the more likely we are to tune in.

Same for a relationship.

If you’re really happy in relationship, its just not that interesting to talk about.  If she cheated on you with a player on the Lakers?  Well shiiiiiiit, we could talk all night about that!  But, do you really want to hear about how we painted our bedroom last weekend and it was awesome?  No!  You would have started looking around for other people to talk to once I mentioned “Home Depot”.  The stuff that happy couples do just isn’t that entertaining to share.

So what’s the takeaway… the moral of the story?  Don’t be offended/surprised/disappointed once you get into a happy relationship and no one wants to hear about it.  It comes with the territory.  Don’t get mad at your friends because they don’t want to hear about how great things are.  Accept it as a (minor) side effect that comes along with dating someone awesome.

The one thing I am curious about though… do these same rules apply to the ladies?  I could see 2 & 3 applying equally across genders, but #1 it would seem you don’t have to worry about.

Is it easier to talk about happy relationships amongst your friends as a woman?  Share your thoughts.

So many guys have asked me, “What’s with girls dumping or disappearing after a third date?  Is there some sort of unspoken Girl Code about this?”  Well, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that there’s no Girl Code that mandates that dumping or disappearing from a new relationship should happen after date three.  The bad news – you really messed it up, boy.

But in order for me to explain this properly, we gotta back up to date one and do an autopsy of your dead relationship.  Actually, I can’t even call it a relationship.  It’s just a dead encounter of the non-sexual and non-relationship kind.  A DEotNSaNRK, if you will.

Date One:  Let’s Meet!

The purpose of a first date is to feel awkward.  Let’s face it, every single first date has a bit of awkwardness to it.  The key to a good first date is how quickly you can move past the awkward introductions and silences and into the talking and merriment.

Succeeding at Date One means you have done the following:

• Looked good
• Smelled good
• Didn’t creep her out
• Didn’t overstep your bounds
• Were interesting enough to merit seeing again

Congratulations!!  You’ve made it to date two!

Date Two:  Let’s Try This Again

That first date could have been a fluke.  The second date is to see if things continue on the same good note that the first date ended on.  You don’t necessarily need to step up your game – you just need to show that you’re exactly who you were the first time.

Succeeding at Date Two means you have done the following:

• Looked good (in different clothes!)
• Smelled good (yes, you’ve showered at least once more since meeting her!)
• Didn’t creep her out
• Didn’t overstep your bounds
• Moved at a speed that she was comfortable with
• Were interesting enough to merit seeing a third time

Now, by the end of date two, we’ve probably at least kissed.  Maybe made out a little.  Gotten to third base?  Heck, if you’re really lucky or she’s really adventurous, you may even have gotten laid.

Congratulations, you’ve made it to date three!

Date Three:  Things Might Get Serious

Here’s the tipping point.  By the time we’ve gotten to a third date, we’ve put the seal on liking you enough to say yes to seeing you again TWICE.  We really dig you.  There’s something about you that we really like.  So if you get axed after date three, it means that something came up that totally turned her off.

I polled my girlfriends, and here are some of the things they said were reasons they’ve axed a guy they thought they liked:

• “His apartment was filthy.”
• “His apartment was freaky hospital clean.”
• “It was clear he only had one pair of ‘good pants.’”
• “He was an AWFUL kisser and didn’t take direction well about his technique.”
• “He made an off-the-cuff remark that revealed he hated gay people.”
• “He proposed.  No, seriously.  He proposed.”
• “He hadn’t kissed me yet, so I figured he wasn’t that into me.”
• “He kept trying to get me in bed – I’m not that kind of girl!!!”
• “I thought his laugh would grow on me, but it just got more and more annoying.”
• “I found out he had a kid.  Ummmm, he never said that on his dating profile!”

Guys, the bottom line is this – if she dumps you on date three, then you did or said something that caused her to bolt.  Go back and analyze things.  Play CSI on your DEotNSaNRK.  Then leave a comment and speculate why you’re still single.

Fact or Myth: Married couples have 25% to 300% MORE sex than their single counterparts depending on age.

Believe it or not – that’s a fact! Contrary to popular belief, married couples actually have quite a bit of sex! So why are all the married couples trying to improve their sex lives? That’s because it’s about quality, not quantity. Married couples often have less satisfying sex than their single counterparts because things simply get boring. Here’s how to make all that married sex count!

• Make Time For Great Sex. Sure, you’ve heard it before. You might be thinking, “Not bloody likely!” But with the every day demands that we face, such as work and children, sex with our spouses often gets put on the back burner. Well, you’re going to have to make time for sex if you want a better, more satisfying sex life. And not a quickie – chances are, that’s what you’re already doing. Make time for good sex.

• Resolve Your Conflicts. Every married couple has conflicts. But when you and your spouse argue outside the bedroom, those feelings of anger, hurt and frustration often get carried into the bedroom. These feelings can affect your sex life in numerous significant ways. Spouses who have regular conflicts with each other don’t feel as emotionally close to their partners, making it difficult to totally open yourself to great sex. Resolving your conflicts with each other before getting busy can help you to feel emotionally and physically open to your partner, often resulting in mind blowing sex!
• Exercise Together. Exercise is a great boost for the libido, and exercising together? Even better. Not only do you get to spend time with your spouse that you ordinarly may not have been able to do, you also get to see them all hot and sweaty…well, you get the picture. In addition to the sexy, sweaty fun, exercising regularly (and eating a healthy, nutritious diet) will help keep you fit and attractive to your spouse.
• Flirt With Each Other. Remember when you and your spouse first started dating? There was lots of flirting going on, and neither you nor your partner were sure what was going to happen next. That fun, exciting feeling of having no idea of their next move often gets lost when you get married, mainly because you know exactly what is going to happen next. You can improve your sex life by bringing that flirty, fun feeling back into your relationship. Go to a bar with your spouse and exchange some witty banter and see where it heads.
• Be Completely Spontaneous. For the same reason flirting can often revv up the quality of sex in a marriage, so can a healthy level of spontaneity. Instead of going home for the night, just keep driving and see where it leads you. Surprise your spouse with a hot hotel room for the weekend, or wear a new, sexy pair of undies. If you usually wear boxers or panties, try wearing a string bikini or a thong. It doesn’t matter what you do, just be creative and break out of the norm. Surprise your partner with something totally unexpected, even if it’s something small.

How Infidelity Relates To Financial Infidelity

This also makes sense in light of statistical facts that even a “normal” affair only ends in a sustained relationship 1-3% of the time. Yet people like Tiger Woods commit financial AND physical adultery all the time – either by blatantly paying for sex via a service, or by paying to be romantically involved with a person that isn’t their spouse. I typically talk about financial infidelity – as I do in my book of the same name – as any time one person goes behind their partner’s back to make a financial purchase. It’s a symptom related to other problems that cause people to have physical affairs and it can be anything from getting extra cash back at the grocery store to use on yourself, to keeping a separate bank account for your own purchases.

Sure, Tiger Woods’ story is a bit extreme and most people aren’t spending that much behind their spouse’s backs, but the same conclusions can be drawn wether you’re dishonest about $40 or $40K and whether you’re just committing financial infidelity or if you’re also engaged in a physical affair. I believe adultery can be cured physiologically as well as emotionally (generationally) by balancing stress and brain chemicals, through Psychotherapy, medical work up and treatment as I do with my patients with a team approach with an MD.

Stress Can Contribute To Both Kinds Of Infidelity

People who have experienced severe stress, loss and separation with their parents at an early age suffer an impact on their hormones. This hormonal change results in what I call the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection to establish certain equilibrium physically. Having done much research on the subject, I believe these feelings follow people into adulthood as we see with people like Tiger Woods who are under a lot of stress. People who engage in an affair (emotional, financial, physical, or otherwise) are usually looking to self-medicate these feelings but what they’re really doing is creating even more stress, separation and loss in their lives.

Until they learn how to deal with the base causes of their emotions, they likely won’t be able to eradicate this cycle from their lives.

According to Reuters:

“IllicitEncounters.com said it has seen a huge increase in the number of financial workers signing up to have affairs after the collapse of the markets in October last year, and that “finance” continued to be one of the most represented professional areas on the site.”

Does Money Make You More Vulnerable?

The website set out to determine why this was so. They interviewed 380,000 members, 20,000 of them work in financial services and found that among some of the reasons for infidelity were public revulsion for bankers, along with lack of affection in private. Additionally, members were interested in engaging in risky behavior to escape boredom, and feeding the ego by landing a trophy mistress. Long hours, negative public sentiment, stress and separation from their partners makes those that work in finance (and any high-stress job for that matter) more prone to turn to an affair; especially now when there is more than enough stress to go around!

If we look around, we see a higher rate of affairs in other professions that are very demanding, like politicians. I’ve talked about this before and explained my theory. The bio-chemical craving for connection, as discussed in the book Financial Infidelity, stems from stress, separation and/or loss. These are probable elements for finance workers now. The stress goes without saying, and the separation aspect was even mentioned in the study, as bankers work longer and longer hours, lending fewer opportunities to connect with a spouse or partner. Thus, it’s not a stretch to think that those in this field are facing large financial losses themselves, or dealing with clients who have suffered losses.

A common reply in the study from male respondents had to do with boosting egos and giving in to the peer pressure of having a mistress for the sake of status. A stressed out banker distancing himself from family creates fertile ground for indiscretions.

Relieve Stress Without An Affair

All this explains why infidelity happens, but certainly doesn’t excuse it. Although certain people, professions and/or websites make it seem otherwise, an affair is not something to be coveted. Adultery usually leads to a further rift in a relationship, and all too often is the precursor for divorce. Contrary to social and popular belief among some, infidelity is not a status symbol. Rather, it is a symptom of a life that is terribly out of balance.

Instead of choosing infidelity as a solution for relieving stress, communicate with your partner. If you’re not at a good point in your relationship, talk to SOMEONE you trust, with the goal of developing emotional intimacy with your partner. Affairs create more lies, more stress and more separation, and you’ll be worse off than when you started.

You see, when it comes to sex and dating, men are creatures of the NOW. Ever tried to get a horny male to delay having sex for a few hours because there really isn’t time? …Or because you’re visiting your parents? Or because you’re in the mosh pit at a rock concert? Or for any other very good reason? You’re likely to hear this sort of response: “Wait until TONIGHT? Anything could happen between now and then – I could get hit by a bus, my penis could get injured, you could just decide you don’t want to anymore. Tonight may as well be never. It has to be now!”

Similarly, when we start dating you, it’s because we’re attracted to you NOW. Men don’t really factor in things like what you’ll look like in ten years, what sort of a mother you’ll make, or what you’d be like to live with. Hell, men don’t really factor in what it’ll be like to wake up next to you in the morning. Simple creatures, ain’t we?

For this reason, men are continually surprised when things about you or about the relationship do change, as they inevitably will. “Wow, you kind of have a lot of grey hair now – I wasn’t expecting that!”

This is especially true for sex.

Ok, this probably sounds ridiculous, but a lot of us convince ourselves that the early-relationship wherever/whenever 10-times-a-week sex is going to be a feature of our relationship with you for as long as we’re both physically capable of it.

Yes, this does lead to some disappointment.

Women, bless you all, seem to be able to think in terms that are a little more long-range when it comes to dating, sex and relationships. However, the problem with this is that women often ‘look into the future’ and make the mistake of thinking that their man will change (for the better!) once they start dating. Thus we have the popular refrain “I really thought I could change him”, which has been uttered by many, many a woman down through the centuries.

This is usually mission: impossible, because after the age of fourteen, men stay as much the same as they can possible manage to. In times past, men ‘grew up’ because they were forced to by their circumstances, or because it was an attractive option. Now, we can play Playstation, buy toys, have sex, drink, party, and risk our necks doing foolish things from early adolescence until our joints seize up, and many of us try to do just that.

There is one thing that really does change men though, and that’s fatherhood. Call us soft, but there’s something about those little guys (or girls) that might just make us agree to give up the motorbike and the base-jumping…at least until they’re older.

So there you go. If you really want a man to change, just have his baby! It’s that simple.

PR: wait… I: wait… L: wait… LD: wait… I: wait… wait… Rank: wait… Traffic: wait… Price: wait… C: wait…

By now unless you are blind, deaf and have no friends, you have heard that Tiger Woods, the world’s #1 golfer and arguably the best golfer of all time was recently caught cheating on his wife Elin Nordegren.  There doesn’t seem to much dispute about whether or not he committed adultery, although how much adultery remains in question as woman after woman comes out of the woodwork to add to Tiger’s list of “transgressions“.

You know we here at U Say, I Say would have something to say about this, especially considering how much attention our Steve McNair debate generated.

So in light of the degree of the transgressions committed by Tiger, Sital and Adam debate the following question:

Will Elin Nordegren divorce Tiger Woods because of his cheating?

So read both Adam and Sital’s takes below, then log your vote.  We’ll send out the results in about two weeks time.

One the great Female Mysteries is why we make you wait for sex.  Here’s a list of the possible reasons:

1.         We’re not sure you’re worth it yet.

You’re iffy.  We’re honestly not sure if we want to keep you around and we know that as soon as you tap it, you’ll want to keep us.  The last thing we need is an abandoned puppy begging for sex.

2.         We’re at a vital number in our sexual career.

When I first became sexually active, I set a limit for myself.  I was going to find my husband by the time I got to sex partner #5.  I was really picky when it came to deciding who would be #5.  Then he turned out to be a total ass and dumped me for a floozy at his work.  So I said, “Well, ten is a nice number.”  I picked much better for #10, but ended up dumping him after a year.  Now, well, here’s hoping I find the one by 15.

3.         We’re currently being visited by Aunt Flo.

Also known as the monthly visitor, Aunt Flo makes us feel bloated, dirty (in a bad way), and just plain unsexy.  I like to refer to that time of the month as The Communist Invasion.  (There’s a Red Party in my pants.  Get it?)  Anyway, we may be pushing you away because we’d rather not paint the town red on our first romp.

4.         We have another iron in the fire.

Did you think we were just dating you?  Oh, sorry.  We didn’t have the exclusivity talk yet, so we assumed the game was still on.  We like you enough to keep dating you, but honestly, we’re not sure if we want to bonk you or that other guy.  It’s your brother?  Wow, we knew you looked alike…

5.         We’re not actually dating.

Are you sure we’re dating and not just cuddle buddies?  Be sure you’re on the right ladder before you assume that we’re going to bump uglies ever.  We really thought you knew that we were just friends!  Friends that spend lots of time together… oh, and that occasionally buy dinner for each other.  (Okay, you always pay.)  The snuggling?  We do that with all our friends.

6.         We’re going to dump you.

Sorry, but we’ve pretty much decided that you aren’t worth our time anymore.  There just hasn’t been a good time to tell you yet.  Yep, we’re totally aware that we’ve seen each other nearly every day for the past few weeks.  Yep, totally aware that you’ve probably dropped a few hundred dollars on food and activities.  Yep, totally aware that you’re falling harder for us every time we meet.  But we had to fully test drive you as a boyfriend before deciding if we wanted to commit for the long haul, and you just aren’t working out.  We’ll tell you – eventually.

…of course, there are tons of other reasons why your girl of choice is making you wait for sex.  But instead of asking us, why don’t you ask her?