Girls: 6 Fixes for Common Bedroom Problems
June 12, 2009 by David M.
Filed under Guys, Explained
Some people will say sex is like pizza, it can only be so bad. But really, these people have not had sh*&ty pizza. Or sh*&ty sex. Both are very real and very awful. The good news about the pizza is that you don’t have to order pizza from that place anymore. The bad news about sex is that you might just be in love with a sexual retard and you’d give anything to make him top in the class in the bedroom.
If you find yourself wondering whether you should jump ship and take a chance on having great sex in a bad relationship, maybe you should read this article first. It’s a little sketchy trying to fix bedroom mistakes – you could insult your guy! – but if you’re going to get the lovin you want from him, you gotta take that risk. Let’s look at some sample bedroom problems and how to fix them.
You run when he wants to give you a massage
I know guys, so let me guess: He’s read a few websites about massage, watched a dozen YouTube videos and now he’s convinced he can do all this great stuff without the benefit of, oh, knowledge of the human anatomy or complex biology like soft hands. Meanwhile there are tears in your eyes and you’re pretty sure one of your shoulder blades is now drastically higher than the other.
When he offers to massage you, turn the tables and say you’ll do him first. Give him the massage that you want. Then when he’s doing you, remind him of the way you did his shoulders and ask if he could do the same for you.
Your kissing-styles don’t macth
This can be a tough one. After all, who really believes they’re a bad kisser? Here’s a little trick to get you started in the right direction. Play a little bondage game. Tie him up, blindfold him and tell him that he can’t do anything. He can’t speak, he can’t move. Most importantly, he can’t kiss you back. Tell him you want him to just sit back and experience the kiss. Kiss him in the way you want to be kissed. Make noises that express how much you enjoy kissing this way (nothing beats a good “mmmmmmm”)
When you untie him, if he crashes into your face like an 18-wheeler through a trailer park, back him up. Remind him of how much you liked the softer, sweeter kisses. This may take time, but like a good dog, he can learn new tricks (smacks on the head with a rolled up newspaper are optional).
He’s a bush man
Not a Bush man (although that could be equally bad). I’m talking bush like his tidy whities appear poofy from the outside and have a halo of curls coming out from the elastic bands. If you want your guy to manscape that area, you’ll have to take one for the team and do yourself as well. Make this a couple’s activity that you do when you shower together.
He’s no concert pianist
Some guys don’t know just how very sensitive girls are down there. Unlike guys, who have all of our junk out for the world to see, yours are on the inside and made of much less sturdy materials. That’s why running your fingernail over a man’s business feels pretty good to him while running a fingernail inside of a woman can feel like searing death. Offer to do his nails for him. (Convince him it’s not gay if you girlfriend does your manicure.) Secondly, let your man know what feels good and what doesn’t so he can learn from his mistakes. So many problems women have in the bedroom are caused by not telling the guy what’s wrong.
He’s riding too hard
Ladies I’ll let you in on a little secret: We love letting our eyes glaze over and just pumping with reckless abandon. However, (correct me if I’m wrong) meanwhile your legs burn from holding them in position for so long and you start to go numb in places we don’t want you numb. We’re having a blast. You’re not. While there’s a time and a place for this kind of sex, if you don’t want to make love like this every time then you need to speak up. You also need to get on top and BE on top, but that’s a whole different article.
He’s a robot with three functions
Let me guess: Your man can do three things – him on top, you on top, or … wait, your man can do TWO things. You’re tired of it. It’s boring, it’s vanilla, and you’re about to scream if you have to have the same boring sex again.
Here’s how to fix it: It’s time to bring out the porn. Seriously. Watch some videos together and point out things you’d like to try. Or buy Liberator furniture and try all the positions listed in the flyer that comes with it. Go totally nuts and install a sex swing in your bedroom. Most people don’t know what they’ll like until they try it – so get out there and show them how great sex can be.
Communicate, communicate, communicate
Great sex only happens with communication. Something that can help in this area is Adam and Sital’s Compatibility Test. This resource is GREAT for bringing up all those questions that guys & girls forget to talk about when they are in the honeymoon phase – including sex questions! Wondering how he feels about porn? This test will help you find out. Curious how much he expects you to give it up on a weekly basis? This test will help you bring up that question with your guy much more tactfully than I just did.
However you handle your communication challenges, keep the lines open and your love life will never go stale!
What problems have you run into in the bedroom? How have you handled a bad kisser/bad massager/overgrowth “down there”? Share your secrets!
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