Little Known Reasons Why He Won’t Marry You
September 2, 2009 by Tobias S.
Filed under Featured, Guys, Explained
Ahh, the big ‘M’. No book, article, magazine, website, radio play, musical, speech or casual conversation about dating and relationships would be complete without a consideration of Holy Matrimony, would it.
Well then.
The answer to this time-honored question is really a bit of a two-parter. As far as the dating part goes, it breaks down like this: we’ll date you for a long time for all the expected reasons – because we’re attracted to you, because we love you, because we like your company, because you laugh at our jokes, because you’re pretty, because we like your ass and because your hair smells good. Even because, well, we really can’t imagine life without you (whether or not we admit the fact). Sound good so far? Nothing unexpected there hopefully.
On to part two.
I know what you’re thinking: if the dating is so good, what’s with the lack of intention to get married? And the answer is just that…well…marriage is so final.
Yes we love you, yes we want to stay together, but to voluntarily pledge eternal commitment to one woman is, for a man, to do something that flies in the face of our deep impulses to spread our seed far and wide - impulses that have been shaped by millions of years of evolution. That doesn’t mean that we don’t want to or can’t stay faithful to just one woman, it just means…that we don’t want to have to promise to out loud.
Don’t forget that ultimately, marriage is no more than a social ritual. No doubt it’s an important one, and one that exists in many different cultures, but it’s no more than that. It’s not going to make a bad relationship into a good one, and once the last thank-you card has been written nothing will have changed.
If you’re wondering why men aren’t as keen on marriage now as they were a couple of generations ago, remember that getting married used to mean that you could start having sex.
This meant that people tended to marry very young (and still do in many midwest states)! The fact that most of us are now happy to ‘put out’ before entering into the bounds of holy matrimony is, not to put too fine a point on it, something of a game-changer.
To complete the picture, one must also point out that the statistics irrefutably show that marriage is in decline. People marry comparatively late in life now, and around 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Do we really want to start something that appears to be doomed to failure from the get-go? Could marriage have had its day? Do we even need it anymore?
Finally, if you’re reading this, maybe you’re a woman who’s been in a relationship with a man for some time, and maybe you’re asking yourself, why hasn’t he asked me to marry him? Why isn’t he giving me what I want?
Well, you could ask yourself, are you giving him what he wants? Like, say…a threesome with you and your bestie? 
No, thought not.
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I read this article hoping for a fresh insight to the issue of why men don’t want to commit….but I have to say, this really isn’t a perspective that most women aren’t familiar with already. From my experience, guys who use this reason are just afraid of growing up. I think commitment has nothing to do with gender, and everything to do with maturity (speaking as a woman who has never been in a relationship longer than 6 months, ever); because I know plenty of 28-33 year old men who are ready for marriage.
However I do agree with the point about how people only got married so they could have sex, back in the day. I’m more hopeful though, and think that just because times have changed, doesn’t mean that marriage as a tradition is gone…I just think we are all making more careful choices about who we end up with. After all, the whole statistic of 50% of marriages ending in divorce is based on our parents’ generation…not ours.
Hey Anna thabks for commenting and welcome to the community! I’m sorry you didnt find anything here that was new; I will be punishing Tobias by forcing him to read “He’s Just Not That into You” for the 9th time
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You do bring up interesting points about this being a maturity issue and not a gender one. But why is it you think its stereotypical to hear about a woman wanting to have a man commit and him not being ready? Is it just an inaccurate sterotype or does it happen much more frequently than the reverse? If the latter, doesnt that make it inherently a gender issue?
Because women mature more quickly than men?
If it is a gender issue, this is why.
Relationship maturity for men increase with the decrease in their ability to attract other women. In other words, it becomes more prudent to keep the current woman because you may not have other opportunities.
Sounds like desperation and the same can be said of many women, sadly. Their biological clock starts ticking and suddenly that “not-so-perfect” guy they’re with, looks “just good-enough” to get married to.
I think Chris Rock summed this up best:
“Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don’t want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I’m talking about. Every club you go into, there’s always some old guy. He ain’t really old, just a little too old to be in the club.”
Oh, are we stealing my line (that I stole from Chris Rock)?
Anna – good point about the 50% statistic not being from our generation. Its no stretch to realize that getting married “because I want to get laid” does not set the foundation for a functional marriage.
I think there is a lot less pressure – on both genders – to get married these days. Back in the day, you were considered a leper or something if you didn’t settle down and get knocked up/knock someone up. So hopefully this will result in a lot fewer doomed-for-failure marriages. But if you do want to get married, don’t be afraid to try to get a pulse on his opinion of marriage early on. Not on his opinion of the two of you getting married – what are you, nuts – but if you’ve ever heard him say “Marriage is for suckers!” you might want to consider getting out.
I will admit, if you don’t plan on having kids, its kind of hard to argue the necessity of marriage. But isn’t that part of the whole evolutional-drive too, for you dudes to get us pregnant – and oh, yeah, since you’re no longer hairy-browed grunting cavemen, maybe you’ll stick around to impart some of your wisdom onto them as well.
And finally, for all you guys scared of going to the altar, let me steal some advice from Chris Rock: You don’t want to be the old guy in the club…He’s not that old, just a little too old to be in the club.
So Cliffhanger, does the following graph illustrate your point? (btw yes thats what $60k in student loans gets you – thanks business school!)
You have a bad data point in your graph.
It’s all so clear now! I only date guys who have no relationship maturity but are really attractive. Then…why are they all 30? Can you guys start wearing t-shirts with your own personal graph like this one?
Here’s a couple more reasons he won’t marry you:
1. The sex is good, but he finds you intellectually unstimulating.
2. The sex is good, but he’s waiting for the BBD – a Bigger, Better Deal than you.
3. The sex is good, but you’re a nag.
4. The sex is good, but you don’t have much in common outside of the bedroom.
5. The sex is good, but his parents had a messy divorce and doesn’t believe in marriage anymore.
6. The sex is good, but he met your mother and saw a glimpse into the future.
7. The sex is good, but he doesn’t want to take on your 50K in credit card debt.
8. The sex is good, but you’ve suddenly started talking about babies excessively for the last year and it’s freaking him out!
9. The sex is good, but all his friends are single and he doesn’t want to be the first one to take the plunge.
10. The sex WAS good, but you don’t have it as often or at all anymore…
Haha this made me laugh Sital, good points!
I have to completely agree with all of these.
Too funny!
I don’t think the article is all that insightful or helpful… but agree with all of Sital’s point. I feel like a cynic!
But that’s what I think it all comes down to for guys… and if they won’t marry you, don’t analyze why – just move on! Lesson learned based on personal experience.
I agree 100% with AT. I know too many women who stay in relationships where they give, give, give and get nothing back, but they would rather stay in a dead-end relationship then be alone. Why does being alone scare so many women? I’d rather be alone then come home to a guy day-after-day that doesn’t want to be with me. That’s just depressing.
Hey AT! Thanks for joining the discussion.
Sorry the article wasn’t too helpful. We cut Tobias’ ration of cigarettes & South Park episodes this week as punishment.
I do have to disagree with you a bit on point though: If someone was not getting the results they wanted in repeat situations, why should that person not analyze why things aren’t working for them? I think someone SHOULD look at why their approach is not working and figure out how to fix it!
Of course maybe that’s just the “guy” in me always trying to fix things
Hey Adam,
I actually agree with you too. If a woman seriously dates 5 guys in a row and none of them would marry her (while she wants to marry them), then maybe there is a problem with her and she should give it some thought. But the bottom line is, she should move on anyway (and analyze post-mortem
rather than spend more time in the relationship. If it’s not working, it wasn’t meant to be… and it won’t magically start working tomorrow.