When a guy says, “Don’t worry about it, it’s nothing,” a woman can’t leave it be.  If he says, “Everything’s going to be okay,” she doesn’t believe him.   Because in her mind, it IS something.  It’s NEVER nothing.  And seriously, if we don’t come up with every possible route that our current situation could take in the future, we have no idea if everything will be okay in the end.  We want to play out all the possibilities in our minds and feel like we’re prepared for the worst, no matter what form it may take.

Part of this comes from the differences in male and female brains in the way that we build intimacy.  Psychologists have realized that men build intimacy with others through shared activities – thus, they feel closest to the people who they do things with.  Women build intimacy with others through sharing of important issues and problems in their lives – thus, they feel closest to the people with whom they share the most emotionally.

Put a man and a woman in a relationship.  As long as they’re doing things together and getting on fairly well, the man will assume that all is well, everything’s going to be okay.  Trouble brewing?  It’s okay, we’ll figure it out, the man thinks.  The woman, however, immediately wants to talk it over with her man.  She wants to go through the details, she wants to share with him and have him share with her.  When he refuses to listen or share his thoughts on the matter, she begins to get anxious and feel less intimately connected with him.

Weird, huh?

Our worrying is our way of trying to connect with you and build intimacy.  Sure, it’s annoying.  Sure, it’s a bit neurotic.  Sure, sometimes it’s borderline crazy.  But in the end, we do it because we care about you and we want to feel close to you.

What can you do to help us?

Listen.  I know this article is taking a kind of serious tone, but this is important, dangit!  The one thing you can do right now to make your woman worry less is to listen more.  Take time to sit down with no distractions and really hear her out when she talks about the things that worry her.  Don’t try to tell her that her fears are unfounded – if she feels them, they’re real.  Share with her any worries you’ve felt on the same subject so she knows you’re with her.  You “get it.”  Then come up with a few options together that will soothe her back into a sense of security and intimacy again.

Get your intimacy meter full and you’ll find that you get more of that OTHER intimacy, too!  Funny how that works, isn’t it?

So many guys have asked me, “What’s with girls dumping or disappearing after a third date?  Is there some sort of unspoken Girl Code about this?”  Well, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that there’s no Girl Code that mandates that dumping or disappearing from a new relationship should happen after date three.  The bad news – you really messed it up, boy.

But in order for me to explain this properly, we gotta back up to date one and do an autopsy of your dead relationship.  Actually, I can’t even call it a relationship.  It’s just a dead encounter of the non-sexual and non-relationship kind.  A DEotNSaNRK, if you will.

Date One:  Let’s Meet!

The purpose of a first date is to feel awkward.  Let’s face it, every single first date has a bit of awkwardness to it.  The key to a good first date is how quickly you can move past the awkward introductions and silences and into the talking and merriment.

Succeeding at Date One means you have done the following:

• Looked good
• Smelled good
• Didn’t creep her out
• Didn’t overstep your bounds
• Were interesting enough to merit seeing again

Congratulations!!  You’ve made it to date two!

Date Two:  Let’s Try This Again

That first date could have been a fluke.  The second date is to see if things continue on the same good note that the first date ended on.  You don’t necessarily need to step up your game – you just need to show that you’re exactly who you were the first time.

Succeeding at Date Two means you have done the following:

• Looked good (in different clothes!)
• Smelled good (yes, you’ve showered at least once more since meeting her!)
• Didn’t creep her out
• Didn’t overstep your bounds
• Moved at a speed that she was comfortable with
• Were interesting enough to merit seeing a third time

Now, by the end of date two, we’ve probably at least kissed.  Maybe made out a little.  Gotten to third base?  Heck, if you’re really lucky or she’s really adventurous, you may even have gotten laid.

Congratulations, you’ve made it to date three!

Date Three:  Things Might Get Serious

Here’s the tipping point.  By the time we’ve gotten to a third date, we’ve put the seal on liking you enough to say yes to seeing you again TWICE.  We really dig you.  There’s something about you that we really like.  So if you get axed after date three, it means that something came up that totally turned her off.

I polled my girlfriends, and here are some of the things they said were reasons they’ve axed a guy they thought they liked:

• “His apartment was filthy.”
• “His apartment was freaky hospital clean.”
• “It was clear he only had one pair of ‘good pants.’”
• “He was an AWFUL kisser and didn’t take direction well about his technique.”
• “He made an off-the-cuff remark that revealed he hated gay people.”
• “He proposed.  No, seriously.  He proposed.”
• “He hadn’t kissed me yet, so I figured he wasn’t that into me.”
• “He kept trying to get me in bed – I’m not that kind of girl!!!”
• “I thought his laugh would grow on me, but it just got more and more annoying.”
• “I found out he had a kid.  Ummmm, he never said that on his dating profile!”

Guys, the bottom line is this – if she dumps you on date three, then you did or said something that caused her to bolt.  Go back and analyze things.  Play CSI on your DEotNSaNRK.  Then leave a comment and speculate why you’re still single.

You see, when it comes to sex and dating, men are creatures of the NOW. Ever tried to get a horny male to delay having sex for a few hours because there really isn’t time? …Or because you’re visiting your parents? Or because you’re in the mosh pit at a rock concert? Or for any other very good reason? You’re likely to hear this sort of response: “Wait until TONIGHT? Anything could happen between now and then – I could get hit by a bus, my penis could get injured, you could just decide you don’t want to anymore. Tonight may as well be never. It has to be now!”

Similarly, when we start dating you, it’s because we’re attracted to you NOW. Men don’t really factor in things like what you’ll look like in ten years, what sort of a mother you’ll make, or what you’d be like to live with. Hell, men don’t really factor in what it’ll be like to wake up next to you in the morning. Simple creatures, ain’t we?

For this reason, men are continually surprised when things about you or about the relationship do change, as they inevitably will. “Wow, you kind of have a lot of grey hair now – I wasn’t expecting that!”

This is especially true for sex.

Ok, this probably sounds ridiculous, but a lot of us convince ourselves that the early-relationship wherever/whenever 10-times-a-week sex is going to be a feature of our relationship with you for as long as we’re both physically capable of it.

Yes, this does lead to some disappointment.

Women, bless you all, seem to be able to think in terms that are a little more long-range when it comes to dating, sex and relationships. However, the problem with this is that women often ‘look into the future’ and make the mistake of thinking that their man will change (for the better!) once they start dating. Thus we have the popular refrain “I really thought I could change him”, which has been uttered by many, many a woman down through the centuries.

This is usually mission: impossible, because after the age of fourteen, men stay as much the same as they can possible manage to. In times past, men ‘grew up’ because they were forced to by their circumstances, or because it was an attractive option. Now, we can play Playstation, buy toys, have sex, drink, party, and risk our necks doing foolish things from early adolescence until our joints seize up, and many of us try to do just that.

There is one thing that really does change men though, and that’s fatherhood. Call us soft, but there’s something about those little guys (or girls) that might just make us agree to give up the motorbike and the base-jumping…at least until they’re older.

So there you go. If you really want a man to change, just have his baby! It’s that simple.

PR: wait… I: wait… L: wait… LD: wait… I: wait… wait… Rank: wait… Traffic: wait… Price: wait… C: wait…

Unfortunately, if it’s also a new activity for you and your lady friend, it’s entirely possible that there might be some awkwardness involved. Not on your part, of course -you’re a demon in the sack, natch – but on hers. Obviously this is not a good thing.

So what causes this and what can you do about it? Let’s take a look in a little more detail:

The cause

What’s the cause of awkwardness in the sack? Gee, I don’t know, could it be the nudity? Yes! The most likely cause of in-bed anxiety is that your girl is self-conscious about some part of her anatomy…or all of it. Fair enough, after all, not everyone’s a perfect physical specimen like you! Getting nude in front of a stranger is not something that many of us do often, so except for the exhibitionists amongst us, a little timidity the first few times is only to be expected.

The other possible cause of awkwardness in the sack is inexperience. ‘Nuff said, it’s only natural to feel a little awkward whenever you attempt a new physical activity, whether it’s ballroom dancing, golf, or doing the ‘mattress mambo’.

Don’t forget that the thing with awkwardness is that once it exists, it feeds off awkwardness in other people, actual or perceived. So if your girl is awkward and that makes YOU feel awkward, then the two of you can get caught in an awkwardness feedback loop…and no one wants that. So think about the vibe you’re giving off too.

Luckily, awkwardness in the bedroom is totally fixable (awkwardness in the backseat or on your desk at work on the other hand, is probably always going to carry a degree of awkwardness).

Here’s one strategy that might work: alcohol.

Yes, alcohol! Don’t dismiss alcohol. It’s been heavily involved in the early phases of many a great relationship, not to mention many a *ahem* not entirely planned pregnancy. And why? Well, if you didn’t know, a little alcohol helps people to loosen up and lose their inhibitions.

It also helps to get rid of the self-consciousness that most people get when they get nude. You might find a little tipple goes a long way and that after you’ve done without awkwardness once, the monkey is off your backs, and next time it’ll be natural without any substance abuse required!

The other ‘cure’ is time.

Yes, time! Usually this kind of awkwardness sorts itself out without you needing to do anything. In the meantime, the best strategy is to take the reins, and the initiative, in the bedroom. Take charge and pretend that there’s no awkwardness, and it shouldn’t be long before there isn’t any.

The final piece of advice is not to bring the issue of the awkwardness up with your girlfriend. If you bring it up in conversation, you run the risk of making her even more self-conscious, so it’s better to wait it out as above.

There’s one exception to this, and it’s when you’ve been doing ‘it’ for a while, with no appreciable reduction in the awkwardness stakes. In that case it’s possible that your girl has some serious body image or other issues, and you should not hesitate to dump her ass immediately.

Kidding! You should, of course, encourage her to seek appropriate counseling and remain by her side the whole time.

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Ok, here we go. With apologies to David Letterman, here are the “Top 10 Signs that Moving In Together with Your Guy Would be a Good Idea”:

#10: When you sleep alone, you wake up spooning your teddy bear
#9: What you leave at his house has gone from a toothbrush & pajamas, to multiple pairs of shoes and hair styling appliances
#8: Your roommate no longer recognizes you
#7: His roommate no longer chuckles when he makes comments about chipping in on the rent
#6: You give his name on beneficiary forms
#5: You think the way he drools in his sleep is actually kind of cute
#4: You need a new set of keys to his place because the ones you have are getting kind of worn
#3: When you go to pack for a trip you realize you need to grab clothes you left at his house
#2: You’ve been together so long that friends that got together after you did have started getting divorced

And the number one sign that you’re ready to move in with her (drum roll please!):

#1: It would really make it a lot easier for him to see his kids

Boom-tish!

So you want to know if the time is right for you and your guy to consider moving in together.  You’re looking for signs. Well, here’s the thing: living with your guy when it’s all new and exciting is FUN.

If you can’t get enough of each other, why not get as much of each other as you can by living together?

The cuddling, the snuggling, the cooking for each other, the unrestricted sexual opportunities, the unrestricted sexual opportunities, the unrestricted sexual opportunities, the…(whoops, sorry, zoned out there for a second), the Sunday mornings reading the paper in bed together, watching bad TV together, going to parties and going home together afterwards…and did I mention the unrestricted sexual opportunities?

Quite apart from all the couplesy stuff you get to do when you live with someone you love, there’s also a whole bunch of practical advantages.

For one thing, it’s a LOT cheaper. When you’re splitting everything, neither of you are paying as much per-head as you were before. This works for food, bills, rent, hotel rooms and so on.

Also, you can split things like household chores and cooking. Cooking for one is so annoying that most people would prefer just to eat toast instead. But having your man make you a proper meal will make you feel like a real lady – try it!

So hopefully you’re now convinced that moving in with your guy has a ton of things going for it. The part where it gets hard is years down the track, when you’ve got two bratty kids, a job you hate, a soul-crushing mortgage and he would rather watch Sportscenter than cuddle. That’s when moving in might start to seem like a bad idea. But that’s (probably) years away. Strike while the iron is hot!

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But hold up a second there cowboy. If you really want the inside story on this whole dating thing, you should be aware that the whole going-out-to-dinner thing is WAY overrated. Going out for some nice food and conversation is a fun thing to do with someone who’s already your girlfriend – i.e. when you’re already comfortable with each other. With a stranger, especially a hot one, it can be an excruciating experience. So in a way, ‘what not to do’ on a first date is to make it a ‘date’ at all!

• “Hey, I thought I’d do a little rollerblading tomorrow and then grab a burger – I know a great place. Care to tag along?” – YES
• “I’m going to check out a band tonight with a few friends. It’s going to be cool. You want in?” – YES
• “I would like to ask you out on a date that will involve two hours of trying to make conversation.” - NO

Either of the first two options above is great, because they throw off an image of you as a fun person who does fun stuff, which is very attractive. They also both involve an activity, so they avoid the whole having-to-keep-the-conversation-going thing that you get with a dinner date. And finally, saying “care to tag along?” or something similarly casual takes the pressure of the whole thing, so she’s more likely to agree to it in the first place.

If, however, you have committed to the traditional dinner date, despite all the best advice to the contrary: well, don’t say you weren’t warned!

Here are some things you need to avoid

#1: Allowing the conversation to flag

It’s pretty rare for two strangers to be able to converse for a solid hour over dinner without there being some awkward silences, which are death to ‘chemistry’. Perversely, it can be even harder to keep a conversation flowing when you really like someone. So what do you do about this?

Prepare! Read a newspaper; get acquainted with some current hot topics of conversation. Also, think about a couple of the coolest things you’ve done in your life, and work out how you could tell a great, funny story about them (a little embellishment is ok – never let the truth get in the way of a good story!).

#2: Challenging her beliefs

Now is not the time for a conversation about religion, politics, or which was the best movie out of the original Star Wars trilogy (actually you might get away with that one – everyone knows it’s The Empire Strikes Back). Keep it light, keep it funny, and keep it moving. There’ll be plenty of time for convincing her that Scientology is a cult when you’re going steady.

#3: Being too nice

You need to tease her a little. If you didn’t already know, this is basically what flirting is – gentle ribbing, done with a smile. It works because what it communicates is “I’m not so in awe of you that I can’t poke fun at you.” It also spices up the conversation and makes it a lot more interesting than just talking about your hobbies, your cat, and your family for hours.

Keep these tips in mind and you will have a much better chance of having a successful first date!

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Have you heard this one? “Honesty is the best policy.” Ah, no, it’s not. At least not always, and certainly not when it comes to people that you really care about. One of the justifiable reasons for not telling the whole truth, is to protect someone’s feelings, and this should apply to your girlfriend most of all! So don’t leap to the conclusion that just because you’re in a relationship the rule about not oversharing doesn’t apply.

Ok, without further ado, here are the top five things not to tell your significant other:

#1: Anything, anything at all, about your previous girlfriends

In general, guys get bent out of shape thinking about the people that their girl has slept with. For women it’s a little different – for them, it’s thinking about your previous serious relationships that might be painful. So don’t mention your previous girlfriends. At all. Seriously, nothing good can come of it.

Even saying something negative about an ex is a bad idea. First of all it just makes you look stupid, and second of all, whether it’s negative or not it’ll still conjure up a mental image of you with someone else, which is what you don’t want.

#2: All about that time you kissed a guy

It doesn’t matter that you were drunk, that it was a dare, that a lot of crazy stuff happened that night, that your frat brothers thought it was funny, or anything else. Whatever you say, all your girlfriend will hear is “I might be gay”, and from that point on she’ll be analyzing everything you do and say, no matter how trivial, that might add weight to the theory that you’re secretly longing to go out and get yourself a hot piece of man-flesh.

#3: That you’ve ever been with anyone who was better in the sack

Ok, you’re probably unlikely to ever blurt this one out, but you should also be careful that you don’t imply it either. Once you’ve put that mental image in her head, it’s going to stay there. Do yourself a favor, and steer well clear of this one.

#4: That you think her friends are idiots

It would be nice if we always got along with the other people in our significant others life. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way – just because they’re friends with yourgirlfriend doesn’t mean you want to hang out with them. But whatever the situation is, part of the deal of being with someone is to accept who they choose to hang out with, and to keep your opinions about them to yourself. This is not negotiable unless you have really good cause (for example, your girlfriend has a ‘friend’ who continually tries to bring her down).

#5: Where you hid the bodies

Heh – just kidding. Hopefully you’re not a serial killer. (If you are, errr…you should turn yourself in. Ok? Good.) But what this is about is telling (or rather, not telling) your gf about the things you’ve done that you’re maybe not proud of. The time you cheated on your ex would be in this category, as would the time you ripped off the company you used to work for, and the time in Vegas when you and your buddy got with the three lesbian dwarf strippers. Some things that are in the past are meant to stay in the past, so keep it that way and take this opportunity to reinvent yourself.

This may be a shocking revelation to you, but it’s actually not uncommon for us women to have a visible ‘tache. As with other types of body hair though, we perpetrate the myth that we are a smooth and hairless gender through the four disciplines of waxing, plucking, shaving and bleaching, so it’s not something that you see very often – at least on people still young enough to look in a mirror once in a while.

If you’ve realized that under some light your girlfriend has something in common with Frida Kahlo, don’t feel bad. Of course it’s a shock, but this could happen to anyone. It’s nothing but a little bump on the road to true love. There are essentially two ways to handle this. Let me break it down for you. Read on.

#1: Put up AND shut up

The first strategy you could think about trying is: Live with it. I mean, everyone has their faults. What are you, an oil painting? A Ken doll? (Not that Ken really has anything to brag about, I mean good hair and cheekbones, yes, but that smooth, featureless mound where his baby-making parts are meant to be is kind of a dealbreaker.)

After all, is it really even that noticeable? We can’t be talking about a Fu Manchu, a handlebar or a walrus here; after all, you weren’t so turned off by it that you thought this girl was un-dateable. You’ve crossed that bridge, and there ain’t no turning back now! Anyway, if you just try to put it out of your mind you’ll probably have forgotten all about it in no time! (…maybe.)

#2: Communicate

Alright, if living with it is not an option for you, then it’s time to communicate. Why don’t you wait until a comfortable moment; sometime when you’re both feeling relaxed. Maybe a Sunday morning after you’ve just made love. The sun’s coming in the window, the birds are singing in the tree outside, and you say, “baby, there’s a little thing I want to talk to you about. It’s your disgusting, hairy top lip.” BZZZT! WRONG! Do NOT do this! This is NOT a situation that calls for honesty!

Seriously, honesty is likely to cause a rift between you that won’t ever be bridged. Trust me – this may well be a touchy subject for her.  But even if it isn’t, bringing it up like this will make it pretty obvious that there’s something about her appearance that you find repulsive, and this isn’t a good start to a blossoming relationship.

Here’s a much better idea: talk to one of her friends about it. You can play this card: “oh no, it doesn’t bother me, but I think maybe she’s self-conscious about it. Has she ever mentioned it to you?” Then hopefully the friend will mention the conversation to your girl, and before you know it, she’s plucking!

Or here’s another idea (and a really sneaky one): one day out of the blue say to her “baby, I think you have something on your lip,” and make a little wiping gesture like she has food on her face. Then turn away and pretend like nothing happened. You might just find that next time you see her, her hairy little friend has been waxed into oblivion!

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Our hope is that if YOU are faced with a similar experience, by listening to our guests, you gain a better idea of what may be going on the head of the person you’re dating and be better equipped to address the issue.

Here was the situation for this podcast:

Don is an attractive and fit 27 year old salesman that recently began dating Alora, an exotic-looking 30 year beautician.  Don and Alora have been hitting it off well and Don is confident that they are going to sleep together on their next date.  While Don is looking forward to sleeping with Alora, he is also concerned because he is not particularly well-endowed.  In fact, back in college Don had unflattering comments made about his manhood from random girls he hooked up with and would like to avoid that humiliation in the future.  This time around he is considering letting Alora know before they get busy that he isn’t particularly large and in charge.

Should Don warn Alora his battleship is more like a tugboat, or simply hope she doesn’t notice or doesn’t care?

Participants for this podcast were:

• Maxwell, a 28 year old software designer from Miami
• Ringo, a 26 year old freelance graphics designer from San Diego
• Penelope, a 30 year old attorney from Kansas
• Scott, a 25 year old salesman from Chicago
• Rajan, a 25 years old unemployed guy from Southern California

Click to Play: Click to Play: Don & Alora:  Should You Tell the Woman You’re Dating You Have a Small Penis?

Well don’t worry, because this article is NOT going to go there. That would be tired, lame and clichéd. No, this is going to an exciting treatise on the best response to the immortal question “so what do you think of my friends?”

Heh. Look, it’s not surprising that this issue of ‘what to say when you get asked something where an honest answer could get you in trouble’ has been around so long (I can imagine cavemen having to sleep outside after giving the wrong answer to “which makes my thighs look thinner, the leopard skin or the wolf fur?”) It’s a tricky issue, because it brings up age-old question of when it’s ok to lie to someone close to you.

Why do people lie at all?

Most of the time, people lie because, well, the truth hurts. Lies avoid this pain, and so lying is actually a vital social skill.

It smooths the waters, it papers over the cracks, and it keeps people happy. Research shows that people start being able to lie convincingly from the age of four and a half, and that pretty much everyone lies multiple times a day just so they can get through life with as little conflict as possible.

Think about this: when you were a kid, did your mom tell you to give an honest assessment of the cooking when your friend invited you around for dinner? No, she told you to say something nice, whatever you really thought. Smart lady!

Despite this, lying has gotten a bad rap, and that’s because there are really two kinds of lying, and the socially useful ‘white lie’ is not the one that gets all of the attention. There’s a world of difference between “I was at home watching TV on the night in question,” and “visiting your parents is exactly what I feel like doing this weekend, baby,” but when we think about lying we instantly think of the first example rather than the second.

So: Don’t feel too bad about telling your girlfriend the odd white lie – she’s almost certainly doing the same thing! Lying is common, and there’s no reason to think that our romantic partners exist in some sort of scrupulously honest parallel universe.

The truth is that people lie to their girlfriend or boyfriend just like they lie to their parents (“of course there won’t be any alcohol at the party”), their boss (“I put the report right on your desk – I guess the cleaner must have thrown it out”), the IRS (“I did not have any other income during the year”) and even their doctor (“I only ever drink in moderation”).

Telling white lies is ultimately a way of managing relationships and keeping people happy. As long as you’re not lying to cover up having done something really bad, it’s probably not worth losing sleep over it. And maybe in time you’ll actually start to like her friends!

What do you think? Is it ok to lie to your significant other? How regularly? Where do YOU draw the line?