Unfortunately, if it’s also a new activity for you and your lady friend, it’s entirely possible that there might be some awkwardness involved. Not on your part, of course -you’re a demon in the sack, natch – but on hers. Obviously this is not a good thing.

So what causes this and what can you do about it? Let’s take a look in a little more detail:

The cause

What’s the cause of awkwardness in the sack? Gee, I don’t know, could it be the nudity? Yes! The most likely cause of in-bed anxiety is that your girl is self-conscious about some part of her anatomy…or all of it. Fair enough, after all, not everyone’s a perfect physical specimen like you! Getting nude in front of a stranger is not something that many of us do often, so except for the exhibitionists amongst us, a little timidity the first few times is only to be expected.

The other possible cause of awkwardness in the sack is inexperience. ‘Nuff said, it’s only natural to feel a little awkward whenever you attempt a new physical activity, whether it’s ballroom dancing, golf, or doing the ‘mattress mambo’.

Don’t forget that the thing with awkwardness is that once it exists, it feeds off awkwardness in other people, actual or perceived. So if your girl is awkward and that makes YOU feel awkward, then the two of you can get caught in an awkwardness feedback loop…and no one wants that. So think about the vibe you’re giving off too.

Luckily, awkwardness in the bedroom is totally fixable (awkwardness in the backseat or on your desk at work on the other hand, is probably always going to carry a degree of awkwardness).

Here’s one strategy that might work: alcohol.

Yes, alcohol! Don’t dismiss alcohol. It’s been heavily involved in the early phases of many a great relationship, not to mention many a *ahem* not entirely planned pregnancy. And why? Well, if you didn’t know, a little alcohol helps people to loosen up and lose their inhibitions.

It also helps to get rid of the self-consciousness that most people get when they get nude. You might find a little tipple goes a long way and that after you’ve done without awkwardness once, the monkey is off your backs, and next time it’ll be natural without any substance abuse required!

The other ‘cure’ is time.

Yes, time! Usually this kind of awkwardness sorts itself out without you needing to do anything. In the meantime, the best strategy is to take the reins, and the initiative, in the bedroom. Take charge and pretend that there’s no awkwardness, and it shouldn’t be long before there isn’t any.

The final piece of advice is not to bring the issue of the awkwardness up with your girlfriend. If you bring it up in conversation, you run the risk of making her even more self-conscious, so it’s better to wait it out as above.

There’s one exception to this, and it’s when you’ve been doing ‘it’ for a while, with no appreciable reduction in the awkwardness stakes. In that case it’s possible that your girl has some serious body image or other issues, and you should not hesitate to dump her ass immediately.

Kidding! You should, of course, encourage her to seek appropriate counseling and remain by her side the whole time.

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Ever wonder why you’re always in the friend zone and never get the booty you deserve?  You can find all the answers in The Ladder Theory (http://www.laddertheory.com/).  But since you’re a busy guy, let me summarize this excellent piece of sociological work for you.

UPDATE 12/18:

My girl Jenna Riley has been blogging about how her current guy WAS actual able to escape the friend zone.  Check it out for some advice & tips.

The first tenet of The Ladder Theory is that whenever you meet someone new, you size them up and place them on your ladder.   Men rate women based mostly on their physical appearance and women rate men mostly on their wealth and status.  Ouch, right?  But seriously, it all boils down to the shallow roots of attraction.

Men have one ladder for all women they meet.  At the top of the ladder are the women he would actively love to have sex with.  Below them are the women he wouldn’t mind having sex with, followed by the ones he would have sex with while drunk and admit it.  At the bottom of the ladder are the women he’d have sex with while drunk and try to cover it up after the fact.  The bottom line:  men are only friends with women they would like to have sex with at some point.

Ladies who are reading this may be thinking, “No way!  I have tons of guy friends who don’t want to have sex with me.”

The writers of The Ladder Theory have a test for you to try out.  Next time you’re alone with that guy “friend,” excuse yourself to the bathroom, strip naked, and come back out to face him.  Tell him you want to have sex with him and see if he dares refuse you.

Women, on the other hand, have two ladders.  You could be on the real ladder – the ladder that is very similar to the men’s ladder.  Or you could be on the dreaded Friends Ladder, the men who she likes and keeps around for various reasons but would never sleep with under any circumstances.

Here’s the catch, guys.  You never know what ladder you’re on until you make a move on the girl.  If you make a move and you’re on the real ladder, then awesome!  You win!  If you make a move and you’re on the friends ladder, you’ll be kicked into the Abyss and have to deal with all the awkward feelings you’ve created by overstepping the bounds you didn’t know existed.  You lose.

This is even worse when you rise to the rank of Cuddle Bitch.

A Cuddle Bitch is a guy who is at the very top of a girl’s Friends Ladder.  He’s her best friend and she tells him everything.  They snuggle on the couch while watching movies.  She kisses him on the cheek when they part ways.  All this while the poor guy assumes that he’s on the real ladder and is mentally freaking out about when a good time to make a move would be.  (Sadly, never.  You are either Cuddle Bitch or you are kicked into the Abyss of awkwardness.)

So what can you do to avoid being on the Friends Ladder and get on the coveted Real Ladder?

My advice is to test the Ladder Theory immediately with new female friends.  Rather than waiting and building false intimacy by climbing the Friends Ladder, let your feelings be known.  Make a first move and if you get kicked, you get kicked.  Move on to the next girl and know that you’ve saved yourself  a lot of time and heartache. Check out The Ladder Theory at: http://www.laddertheory.com/

But hold up a second there cowboy. If you really want the inside story on this whole dating thing, you should be aware that the whole going-out-to-dinner thing is WAY overrated. Going out for some nice food and conversation is a fun thing to do with someone who’s already your girlfriend – i.e. when you’re already comfortable with each other. With a stranger, especially a hot one, it can be an excruciating experience. So in a way, ‘what not to do’ on a first date is to make it a ‘date’ at all!

• “Hey, I thought I’d do a little rollerblading tomorrow and then grab a burger – I know a great place. Care to tag along?” – YES
• “I’m going to check out a band tonight with a few friends. It’s going to be cool. You want in?” – YES
• “I would like to ask you out on a date that will involve two hours of trying to make conversation.” - NO

Either of the first two options above is great, because they throw off an image of you as a fun person who does fun stuff, which is very attractive. They also both involve an activity, so they avoid the whole having-to-keep-the-conversation-going thing that you get with a dinner date. And finally, saying “care to tag along?” or something similarly casual takes the pressure of the whole thing, so she’s more likely to agree to it in the first place.

If, however, you have committed to the traditional dinner date, despite all the best advice to the contrary: well, don’t say you weren’t warned!

Here are some things you need to avoid

#1: Allowing the conversation to flag

It’s pretty rare for two strangers to be able to converse for a solid hour over dinner without there being some awkward silences, which are death to ‘chemistry’. Perversely, it can be even harder to keep a conversation flowing when you really like someone. So what do you do about this?

Prepare! Read a newspaper; get acquainted with some current hot topics of conversation. Also, think about a couple of the coolest things you’ve done in your life, and work out how you could tell a great, funny story about them (a little embellishment is ok – never let the truth get in the way of a good story!).

#2: Challenging her beliefs

Now is not the time for a conversation about religion, politics, or which was the best movie out of the original Star Wars trilogy (actually you might get away with that one – everyone knows it’s The Empire Strikes Back). Keep it light, keep it funny, and keep it moving. There’ll be plenty of time for convincing her that Scientology is a cult when you’re going steady.

#3: Being too nice

You need to tease her a little. If you didn’t already know, this is basically what flirting is – gentle ribbing, done with a smile. It works because what it communicates is “I’m not so in awe of you that I can’t poke fun at you.” It also spices up the conversation and makes it a lot more interesting than just talking about your hobbies, your cat, and your family for hours.

Keep these tips in mind and you will have a much better chance of having a successful first date!

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