The Female Mind – Why We Read Into Things

Every guy I know is baffled by the amount of THINKING and OVERTHINKING that women do.  Why can’t things be straightforward and simple, the way they are in a man’s brain?   Men seem to ignore anything that doesn’t actively threaten the safety of their loved ones or their egos, but women dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, looking for reasons and answers that sometimes don’t even exist.

When a guy says, “Don’t worry about it, it’s nothing,” a woman can’t leave it be.  If he says, “Everything’s going to be okay,” she doesn’t believe him.   Because in her mind, it IS something.  It’s NEVER nothing.  And seriously, if we don’t come up with every possible route that our current situation could take in the future, we have no idea if everything will be okay in the end.  We want to play out all the possibilities in our minds and feel like we’re prepared for the worst, no matter what form it may take.

Part of this comes from the differences in male and female brains in the way that we build intimacy.  Psychologists have realized that men build intimacy with others through shared activities – thus, they feel closest to the people who they do things with.  Women build intimacy with others through sharing of important issues and problems in their lives – thus, they feel closest to the people with whom they share the most emotionally.

Put a man and a woman in a relationship.  As long as they’re doing things together and getting on fairly well, the man will assume that all is well, everything’s going to be okay.  Trouble brewing?  It’s okay, we’ll figure it out, the man thinks.  The woman, however, immediately wants to talk it over with her man.  She wants to go through the details, she wants to share with him and have him share with her.  When he refuses to listen or share his thoughts on the matter, she begins to get anxious and feel less intimately connected with him.

Weird, huh?

Our worrying is our way of trying to connect with you and build intimacy.  Sure, it’s annoying.  Sure, it’s a bit neurotic.  Sure, sometimes it’s borderline crazy.  But in the end, we do it because we care about you and we want to feel close to you.

What can you do to help us?

Listen.  I know this article is taking a kind of serious tone, but this is important, dangit!  The one thing you can do right now to make your woman worry less is to listen more.  Take time to sit down with no distractions and really hear her out when she talks about the things that worry her.  Don’t try to tell her that her fears are unfounded – if she feels them, they’re real.  Share with her any worries you’ve felt on the same subject so she knows you’re with her.  You “get it.”  Then come up with a few options together that will soothe her back into a sense of security and intimacy again.

Get your intimacy meter full and you’ll find that you get more of that OTHER intimacy, too!  Funny how that works, isn’t it?

The Three Date Mandate, or How Not To Ruin A Good Thing

So many guys have asked me, “What’s with girls dumping or disappearing after a third date?  Is there some sort of unspoken Girl Code about this?”  Well, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that there’s no Girl Code that mandates that dumping or disappearing from a new relationship should happen after date three.  The bad news – you really messed it up, boy.

But in order for me to explain this properly, we gotta back up to date one and do an autopsy of your dead relationship.  Actually, I can’t even call it a relationship.  It’s just a dead encounter of the non-sexual and non-relationship kind.  A DEotNSaNRK, if you will.

Date One:  Let’s Meet!

The purpose of a first date is to feel awkward.  Let’s face it, every single first date has a bit of awkwardness to it.  The key to a good first date is how quickly you can move past the awkward introductions and silences and into the talking and merriment.

Succeeding at Date One means you have done the following:

• Looked good
• Smelled good
• Didn’t creep her out
• Didn’t overstep your bounds
• Were interesting enough to merit seeing again

Congratulations!!  You’ve made it to date two!

Date Two:  Let’s Try This Again

That first date could have been a fluke.  The second date is to see if things continue on the same good note that the first date ended on.  You don’t necessarily need to step up your game – you just need to show that you’re exactly who you were the first time.

Succeeding at Date Two means you have done the following:

• Looked good (in different clothes!)
• Smelled good (yes, you’ve showered at least once more since meeting her!)
• Didn’t creep her out
• Didn’t overstep your bounds
• Moved at a speed that she was comfortable with
• Were interesting enough to merit seeing a third time

Now, by the end of date two, we’ve probably at least kissed.  Maybe made out a little.  Gotten to third base?  Heck, if you’re really lucky or she’s really adventurous, you may even have gotten laid.

Congratulations, you’ve made it to date three!

Date Three:  Things Might Get Serious

Here’s the tipping point.  By the time we’ve gotten to a third date, we’ve put the seal on liking you enough to say yes to seeing you again TWICE.  We really dig you.  There’s something about you that we really like.  So if you get axed after date three, it means that something came up that totally turned her off.

I polled my girlfriends, and here are some of the things they said were reasons they’ve axed a guy they thought they liked:

• “His apartment was filthy.”
• “His apartment was freaky hospital clean.”
• “It was clear he only had one pair of ‘good pants.’”
• “He was an AWFUL kisser and didn’t take direction well about his technique.”
• “He made an off-the-cuff remark that revealed he hated gay people.”
• “He proposed.  No, seriously.  He proposed.”
• “He hadn’t kissed me yet, so I figured he wasn’t that into me.”
• “He kept trying to get me in bed – I’m not that kind of girl!!!”
• “I thought his laugh would grow on me, but it just got more and more annoying.”
• “I found out he had a kid.  Ummmm, he never said that on his dating profile!”

Guys, the bottom line is this – if she dumps you on date three, then you did or said something that caused her to bolt.  Go back and analyze things.  Play CSI on your DEotNSaNRK.  Then leave a comment and speculate why you’re still single.

6 Reasons Why Girls Make Guys Wait for Sex

One the great Female Mysteries is why we make you wait for sex.  Here’s a list of the possible reasons:

1.         We’re not sure you’re worth it yet.

You’re iffy.  We’re honestly not sure if we want to keep you around and we know that as soon as you tap it, you’ll want to keep us.  The last thing we need is an abandoned puppy begging for sex.

2.         We’re at a vital number in our sexual career.

When I first became sexually active, I set a limit for myself.  I was going to find my husband by the time I got to sex partner #5.  I was really picky when it came to deciding who would be #5.  Then he turned out to be a total ass and dumped me for a floozy at his work.  So I said, “Well, ten is a nice number.”  I picked much better for #10, but ended up dumping him after a year.  Now, well, here’s hoping I find the one by 15.

3.         We’re currently being visited by Aunt Flo.

Also known as the monthly visitor, Aunt Flo makes us feel bloated, dirty (in a bad way), and just plain unsexy.  I like to refer to that time of the month as The Communist Invasion.  (There’s a Red Party in my pants.  Get it?)  Anyway, we may be pushing you away because we’d rather not paint the town red on our first romp.

4.         We have another iron in the fire.

Did you think we were just dating you?  Oh, sorry.  We didn’t have the exclusivity talk yet, so we assumed the game was still on.  We like you enough to keep dating you, but honestly, we’re not sure if we want to bonk you or that other guy.  It’s your brother?  Wow, we knew you looked alike…

5.         We’re not actually dating.

Are you sure we’re dating and not just cuddle buddies?  Be sure you’re on the right ladder before you assume that we’re going to bump uglies ever.  We really thought you knew that we were just friends!  Friends that spend lots of time together… oh, and that occasionally buy dinner for each other.  (Okay, you always pay.)  The snuggling?  We do that with all our friends.

6.         We’re going to dump you.

Sorry, but we’ve pretty much decided that you aren’t worth our time anymore.  There just hasn’t been a good time to tell you yet.  Yep, we’re totally aware that we’ve seen each other nearly every day for the past few weeks.  Yep, totally aware that you’ve probably dropped a few hundred dollars on food and activities.  Yep, totally aware that you’re falling harder for us every time we meet.  But we had to fully test drive you as a boyfriend before deciding if we wanted to commit for the long haul, and you just aren’t working out.  We’ll tell you – eventually.

…of course, there are tons of other reasons why your girl of choice is making you wait for sex.  But instead of asking us, why don’t you ask her?

Guys: Is Your Lady Awkward in Bed? Here’s How to Fix it!

Ah, the horizontal tango. Knocking boots. Making the beast with two backs. Parking the pink Plymouth in the garage of love. Sexual congress. Sex: it’s a beautiful thing! And there sure are a lot of euphemisms for it.

Unfortunately, if it’s also a new activity for you and your lady friend, it’s entirely possible that there might be some awkwardness involved. Not on your part, of course -you’re a demon in the sack, natch – but on hers. Obviously this is not a good thing.

So what causes this and what can you do about it? Let’s take a look in a little more detail: Read more

The Obvious (but still funny) Reasons Why a Guy Wont Spend the Night with You After Sex

In the imperial court of Japan in the 10^th-century A.D., extra-marital relations were common, and people often had multiple lovers. After a night-time assignation, the man would stroll home through the dewy morn, composing a poem for his lady friend as he walked. Romantic, no? Well 1100 years later, things have changed! Far from staying the night, then leaving only when dawn breaks in order to work on one’s poetry, sometimes now men just want to do the business, get up, wipe themselves on the curtains, and get out of there ASAP!

…Which is a little odd, when you think about it. After all, sex is great (…really, REALLY great), but cuddling/snuggling/spooning someone you’re attracted to, going to sleep with them (in a dopey, pleasant post-sex haze aka “O time”), then waking up next to them – that’s pretty great too, even if you don’t want or intend for things to go beyond the one encounter. Besides, there’s always the chance of a little (or even a lot) more action come the morning. Surely no rational person would pass all of this up for a taxi and a cold, empty bed?

Look, there’s no easy way to say this. The indelicate truth is that if we don’t want to spend the night with you, it’s probably because we’re no longer horny or quite as drunk. Sorry! Told you it was indelicate.

So that’s one reason, and the most common one. Another reason might be that we think you’re going to expect a relationship to follow our night of sweaty passion, and we don’t want that because we’re just not that into you. We think that if we stay the night, you might take that as evidence that we are that into you, and that would be awkward, so it’s better to go sooner rather than later.

Oh, one final reason – because by having sex with you we’re cheating on someone else, and (again, now that we’re no longer horny or quite as drunk) we suddenly feel very guilty about it.

So there are three main reasons: 1) We’re now sober; 2) We think you want a relationship and we’re not that into you, and 3) You’re the Other Woman (you home wrecker!). Question: answered!

While we’re on the subject though, it needs to be said that whichever way you slice it, and whatever the reasons are, leaving immediately after sex is pretty bad form. If you’re a woman and a guy does it to you, you have every right to be annoyed about it. Hell, don’t just get annoyed about it, curse the guy out! Really give him a piece of your mind. Quote this article if you need to. The post-coital cuddle is surely an assumed part of any sexual invitation, and it should be observed. If people signed contracts before sex (hmm…not a bad idea!), one can imagine it being a prominent term…right after the space where you initial to indicate that any oral activity will be reciprocated in full

How A Guy Knows When He’s Got You Hooked

Ever heard of the expression ‘doggy dinner bowl look’?

Like a hungry puppy dog contemplating a bowl of food, the doggy dinner bowl look (or DDBL) is one of unrestrained desire, and for men who recognize it, it’s the ultimate signal that a woman is all yours. Of course, you have to watch for it, and it can be easy to miss!

Failing the DDBL, the next best signal that lets us know you’re ours is when you start to laugh at all our jokes (let’s face it, not all of them are funny). That’s a pretty sure signal too.

As a matter of fact, in the ’seduction community’ (these are the guys who’ve elevated getting girls to an art form), the gold standard for knowing a woman is interested in you is three ‘IOIs’ within a short space of time. IOI stands for ‘indicator of interest‘, and it could be anything from the above mentioned laughter-at-bad-jokes, to the classic playing-with-the-hair, to compliments, touching, leaning in, holding hands while squeezing through a crowd and then not letting go straight away afterwords, and so on.

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Not all men are so knowledgeable about women though, so if you want to let a guy know you like him, sometimes you’ll need to spell out your interest a little more clearly…yes, a written invitation would be lovely, thanks.

Of course, this all relates strictly to when we first meet you. A little further along in the relationship, how do we know you’re getting serious about us? …Well, sex is usually a good start! If that hurdle has already been jumped, then the final signal we look for that it’s not merely a fling for you is either or both of the following:

1) Any sign of jealousy – for example, we talk to another girl on a night out, and you get bent out of shape about it; and 2) Being introduced to your friends or family. Why these two things? Read on to find out.

Jealousy

Why is jealousy a powerful indicator that we’ve got you hooked? Because jealousy is reserved for people we feel something for. In order to be jealous of someone, you have to care about them in the first place. It’s exactly the same for men as it is for women, and as an aside, this is why while it’s fine to recount tales of your sexual (mis)adventures with a guy you’re seeing on a casual basis, it’s not a good idea to do the same thing with a guy you’re serious about.

A man who’s really into you doesn’t want to think about you being with anyone else, whether it’s in the present, the future, or a day before your 16^th birthday upstairs at Susie Mitchell’s party with that boy from the 10^th grade. Men are funny like that. So keep it to yourself.

Meeting your friends or family

When people get a new boyfriend or girlfriend that they like and are serious about, they always (consciously or subconsciously) want the approval of their friends and family. This works a little differently for guys, because if you’re really hot, we might introduce you to our mates strictly on a ‘check-out-the-girl-I’m-doing-it-with, not-bad-eh basis’, but generally people introduce their lovers to friends and family because they’re seeking approval of their choice.

So: when you invite us to dinner at your parent’s place, brunch with your sister, or even on a night out with your friends, and then you get jealous if we spend too much time talking to the other ladies in the group, we know that’s a sure signal you want us to stick around!

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Why it’s Impossible to Escape the “Friend Zone”

Ever wonder why you’re always in the friend zone and never get the booty you deserve?  You can find all the answers in The Ladder Theory (http://www.laddertheory.com/).  But since you’re a busy guy, let me summarize this excellent piece of sociological work for you. Read more

PODCAST: Panel Discusses Dating in the Workplace

For this U Say, I Say podcast we posed a familiar problem to our panelists:  Should a person date in the workplace? Our panelist gave some great, humorous insights that will help you decide on whether to make a move on that guy or girl in the next cubicle (or office if you roll large like that). Read more

What Not to Do on a First Date

So there’s a girl you like, and you’re thinking about asking her out on a date. Fair enough, that’s the traditional way of doing things!

But hold up a second there cowboy. If you really want the inside story on this whole dating thing, you should be aware that the whole going-out-to-dinner thing is WAY overrated. Read more

How to Deal with the Fact that the Girl You’re Dating has a Moustache

So you’re dating a girl. Good for you tiger! But there’s a little issue, isn’t there. Let me guess, her parents are Italian… maybe Greek? That combination of dark hair and a light complexion is what does it. Often it’s invisible, but every once in a while her head turns juuust so; her face catches the light… and BAM! You’re dating Tom Selleck. Read more

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