When a guy says, “Don’t worry about it, it’s nothing,” a woman can’t leave it be.  If he says, “Everything’s going to be okay,” she doesn’t believe him.   Because in her mind, it IS something.  It’s NEVER nothing.  And seriously, if we don’t come up with every possible route that our current situation could take in the future, we have no idea if everything will be okay in the end.  We want to play out all the possibilities in our minds and feel like we’re prepared for the worst, no matter what form it may take.

Part of this comes from the differences in male and female brains in the way that we build intimacy.  Psychologists have realized that men build intimacy with others through shared activities – thus, they feel closest to the people who they do things with.  Women build intimacy with others through sharing of important issues and problems in their lives – thus, they feel closest to the people with whom they share the most emotionally.

Put a man and a woman in a relationship.  As long as they’re doing things together and getting on fairly well, the man will assume that all is well, everything’s going to be okay.  Trouble brewing?  It’s okay, we’ll figure it out, the man thinks.  The woman, however, immediately wants to talk it over with her man.  She wants to go through the details, she wants to share with him and have him share with her.  When he refuses to listen or share his thoughts on the matter, she begins to get anxious and feel less intimately connected with him.

Weird, huh?

Our worrying is our way of trying to connect with you and build intimacy.  Sure, it’s annoying.  Sure, it’s a bit neurotic.  Sure, sometimes it’s borderline crazy.  But in the end, we do it because we care about you and we want to feel close to you.

What can you do to help us?

Listen.  I know this article is taking a kind of serious tone, but this is important, dangit!  The one thing you can do right now to make your woman worry less is to listen more.  Take time to sit down with no distractions and really hear her out when she talks about the things that worry her.  Don’t try to tell her that her fears are unfounded – if she feels them, they’re real.  Share with her any worries you’ve felt on the same subject so she knows you’re with her.  You “get it.”  Then come up with a few options together that will soothe her back into a sense of security and intimacy again.

Get your intimacy meter full and you’ll find that you get more of that OTHER intimacy, too!  Funny how that works, isn’t it?

So many guys have asked me, “What’s with girls dumping or disappearing after a third date?  Is there some sort of unspoken Girl Code about this?”  Well, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that there’s no Girl Code that mandates that dumping or disappearing from a new relationship should happen after date three.  The bad news – you really messed it up, boy.

But in order for me to explain this properly, we gotta back up to date one and do an autopsy of your dead relationship.  Actually, I can’t even call it a relationship.  It’s just a dead encounter of the non-sexual and non-relationship kind.  A DEotNSaNRK, if you will.

Date One:  Let’s Meet!

The purpose of a first date is to feel awkward.  Let’s face it, every single first date has a bit of awkwardness to it.  The key to a good first date is how quickly you can move past the awkward introductions and silences and into the talking and merriment.

Succeeding at Date One means you have done the following:

• Looked good
• Smelled good
• Didn’t creep her out
• Didn’t overstep your bounds
• Were interesting enough to merit seeing again

Congratulations!!  You’ve made it to date two!

Date Two:  Let’s Try This Again

That first date could have been a fluke.  The second date is to see if things continue on the same good note that the first date ended on.  You don’t necessarily need to step up your game – you just need to show that you’re exactly who you were the first time.

Succeeding at Date Two means you have done the following:

• Looked good (in different clothes!)
• Smelled good (yes, you’ve showered at least once more since meeting her!)
• Didn’t creep her out
• Didn’t overstep your bounds
• Moved at a speed that she was comfortable with
• Were interesting enough to merit seeing a third time

Now, by the end of date two, we’ve probably at least kissed.  Maybe made out a little.  Gotten to third base?  Heck, if you’re really lucky or she’s really adventurous, you may even have gotten laid.

Congratulations, you’ve made it to date three!

Date Three:  Things Might Get Serious

Here’s the tipping point.  By the time we’ve gotten to a third date, we’ve put the seal on liking you enough to say yes to seeing you again TWICE.  We really dig you.  There’s something about you that we really like.  So if you get axed after date three, it means that something came up that totally turned her off.

I polled my girlfriends, and here are some of the things they said were reasons they’ve axed a guy they thought they liked:

• “His apartment was filthy.”
• “His apartment was freaky hospital clean.”
• “It was clear he only had one pair of ‘good pants.’”
• “He was an AWFUL kisser and didn’t take direction well about his technique.”
• “He made an off-the-cuff remark that revealed he hated gay people.”
• “He proposed.  No, seriously.  He proposed.”
• “He hadn’t kissed me yet, so I figured he wasn’t that into me.”
• “He kept trying to get me in bed – I’m not that kind of girl!!!”
• “I thought his laugh would grow on me, but it just got more and more annoying.”
• “I found out he had a kid.  Ummmm, he never said that on his dating profile!”

Guys, the bottom line is this – if she dumps you on date three, then you did or said something that caused her to bolt.  Go back and analyze things.  Play CSI on your DEotNSaNRK.  Then leave a comment and speculate why you’re still single.

One the great Female Mysteries is why we make you wait for sex.  Here’s a list of the possible reasons:

1.         We’re not sure you’re worth it yet.

You’re iffy.  We’re honestly not sure if we want to keep you around and we know that as soon as you tap it, you’ll want to keep us.  The last thing we need is an abandoned puppy begging for sex.

2.         We’re at a vital number in our sexual career.

When I first became sexually active, I set a limit for myself.  I was going to find my husband by the time I got to sex partner #5.  I was really picky when it came to deciding who would be #5.  Then he turned out to be a total ass and dumped me for a floozy at his work.  So I said, “Well, ten is a nice number.”  I picked much better for #10, but ended up dumping him after a year.  Now, well, here’s hoping I find the one by 15.

3.         We’re currently being visited by Aunt Flo.

Also known as the monthly visitor, Aunt Flo makes us feel bloated, dirty (in a bad way), and just plain unsexy.  I like to refer to that time of the month as The Communist Invasion.  (There’s a Red Party in my pants.  Get it?)  Anyway, we may be pushing you away because we’d rather not paint the town red on our first romp.

4.         We have another iron in the fire.

Did you think we were just dating you?  Oh, sorry.  We didn’t have the exclusivity talk yet, so we assumed the game was still on.  We like you enough to keep dating you, but honestly, we’re not sure if we want to bonk you or that other guy.  It’s your brother?  Wow, we knew you looked alike…

5.         We’re not actually dating.

Are you sure we’re dating and not just cuddle buddies?  Be sure you’re on the right ladder before you assume that we’re going to bump uglies ever.  We really thought you knew that we were just friends!  Friends that spend lots of time together… oh, and that occasionally buy dinner for each other.  (Okay, you always pay.)  The snuggling?  We do that with all our friends.

6.         We’re going to dump you.

Sorry, but we’ve pretty much decided that you aren’t worth our time anymore.  There just hasn’t been a good time to tell you yet.  Yep, we’re totally aware that we’ve seen each other nearly every day for the past few weeks.  Yep, totally aware that you’ve probably dropped a few hundred dollars on food and activities.  Yep, totally aware that you’re falling harder for us every time we meet.  But we had to fully test drive you as a boyfriend before deciding if we wanted to commit for the long haul, and you just aren’t working out.  We’ll tell you – eventually.

…of course, there are tons of other reasons why your girl of choice is making you wait for sex.  But instead of asking us, why don’t you ask her?

Unfortunately, if it’s also a new activity for you and your lady friend, it’s entirely possible that there might be some awkwardness involved. Not on your part, of course -you’re a demon in the sack, natch – but on hers. Obviously this is not a good thing.

So what causes this and what can you do about it? Let’s take a look in a little more detail:

The cause

What’s the cause of awkwardness in the sack? Gee, I don’t know, could it be the nudity? Yes! The most likely cause of in-bed anxiety is that your girl is self-conscious about some part of her anatomy…or all of it. Fair enough, after all, not everyone’s a perfect physical specimen like you! Getting nude in front of a stranger is not something that many of us do often, so except for the exhibitionists amongst us, a little timidity the first few times is only to be expected.

The other possible cause of awkwardness in the sack is inexperience. ‘Nuff said, it’s only natural to feel a little awkward whenever you attempt a new physical activity, whether it’s ballroom dancing, golf, or doing the ‘mattress mambo’.

Don’t forget that the thing with awkwardness is that once it exists, it feeds off awkwardness in other people, actual or perceived. So if your girl is awkward and that makes YOU feel awkward, then the two of you can get caught in an awkwardness feedback loop…and no one wants that. So think about the vibe you’re giving off too.

Luckily, awkwardness in the bedroom is totally fixable (awkwardness in the backseat or on your desk at work on the other hand, is probably always going to carry a degree of awkwardness).

Here’s one strategy that might work: alcohol.

Yes, alcohol! Don’t dismiss alcohol. It’s been heavily involved in the early phases of many a great relationship, not to mention many a *ahem* not entirely planned pregnancy. And why? Well, if you didn’t know, a little alcohol helps people to loosen up and lose their inhibitions.

It also helps to get rid of the self-consciousness that most people get when they get nude. You might find a little tipple goes a long way and that after you’ve done without awkwardness once, the monkey is off your backs, and next time it’ll be natural without any substance abuse required!

The other ‘cure’ is time.

Yes, time! Usually this kind of awkwardness sorts itself out without you needing to do anything. In the meantime, the best strategy is to take the reins, and the initiative, in the bedroom. Take charge and pretend that there’s no awkwardness, and it shouldn’t be long before there isn’t any.

The final piece of advice is not to bring the issue of the awkwardness up with your girlfriend. If you bring it up in conversation, you run the risk of making her even more self-conscious, so it’s better to wait it out as above.

There’s one exception to this, and it’s when you’ve been doing ‘it’ for a while, with no appreciable reduction in the awkwardness stakes. In that case it’s possible that your girl has some serious body image or other issues, and you should not hesitate to dump her ass immediately.

Kidding! You should, of course, encourage her to seek appropriate counseling and remain by her side the whole time.

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…Which is a little odd, when you think about it. After all, sex is great (…really, REALLY great), but cuddling/snuggling/spooning someone you’re attracted to, going to sleep with them (in a dopey, pleasant post-sex haze aka “O time”), then waking up next to them – that’s pretty great too, even if you don’t want or intend for things to go beyond the one encounter. Besides, there’s always the chance of a little (or even a lot) more action come the morning. Surely no rational person would pass all of this up for a taxi and a cold, empty bed?

Look, there’s no easy way to say this. The indelicate truth is that if we don’t want to spend the night with you, it’s probably because we’re no longer horny or quite as drunk. Sorry! Told you it was indelicate.

So that’s one reason, and the most common one. Another reason might be that we think you’re going to expect a relationship to follow our night of sweaty passion, and we don’t want that because we’re just not that into you. We think that if we stay the night, you might take that as evidence that we are that into you, and that would be awkward, so it’s better to go sooner rather than later.

Oh, one final reason – because by having sex with you we’re cheating on someone else, and (again, now that we’re no longer horny or quite as drunk) we suddenly feel very guilty about it.

So there are three main reasons: 1) We’re now sober; 2) We think you want a relationship and we’re not that into you, and 3) You’re the Other Woman (you home wrecker!). Question: answered!

While we’re on the subject though, it needs to be said that whichever way you slice it, and whatever the reasons are, leaving immediately after sex is pretty bad form. If you’re a woman and a guy does it to you, you have every right to be annoyed about it. Hell, don’t just get annoyed about it, curse the guy out! Really give him a piece of your mind. Quote this article if you need to. The post-coital cuddle is surely an assumed part of any sexual invitation, and it should be observed. If people signed contracts before sex (hmm…not a bad idea!), one can imagine it being a prominent term…right after the space where you initial to indicate that any oral activity will be reciprocated in full

Like a hungry puppy dog contemplating a bowl of food, the doggy dinner bowl look (or DDBL) is one of unrestrained desire, and for men who recognize it, it’s the ultimate signal that a woman is all yours. Of course, you have to watch for it, and it can be easy to miss!

Failing the DDBL, the next best signal that lets us know you’re ours is when you start to laugh at all our jokes (let’s face it, not all of them are funny). That’s a pretty sure signal too.

As a matter of fact, in the ’seduction community’ (these are the guys who’ve elevated getting girls to an art form), the gold standard for knowing a woman is interested in you is three ‘IOIs’ within a short space of time. IOI stands for ‘indicator of interest‘, and it could be anything from the above mentioned laughter-at-bad-jokes, to the classic playing-with-the-hair, to compliments, touching, leaning in, holding hands while squeezing through a crowd and then not letting go straight away afterwords, and so on.

Not all men are so knowledgeable about women though, so if you want to let a guy know you like him, sometimes you’ll need to spell out your interest a little more clearly…yes, a written invitation would be lovely, thanks.

Of course, this all relates strictly to when we first meet you. A little further along in the relationship, how do we know you’re getting serious about us? …Well, sex is usually a good start! If that hurdle has already been jumped, then the final signal we look for that it’s not merely a fling for you is either or both of the following:

1) Any sign of jealousy – for example, we talk to another girl on a night out, and you get bent out of shape about it; and 2) Being introduced to your friends or family. Why these two things? Read on to find out.

Jealousy

Why is jealousy a powerful indicator that we’ve got you hooked? Because jealousy is reserved for people we feel something for. In order to be jealous of someone, you have to care about them in the first place. It’s exactly the same for men as it is for women, and as an aside, this is why while it’s fine to recount tales of your sexual (mis)adventures with a guy you’re seeing on a casual basis, it’s not a good idea to do the same thing with a guy you’re serious about.

A man who’s really into you doesn’t want to think about you being with anyone else, whether it’s in the present, the future, or a day before your 16^th birthday upstairs at Susie Mitchell’s party with that boy from the 10^th grade. Men are funny like that. So keep it to yourself.

Meeting your friends or family

When people get a new boyfriend or girlfriend that they like and are serious about, they always (consciously or subconsciously) want the approval of their friends and family. This works a little differently for guys, because if you’re really hot, we might introduce you to our mates strictly on a ‘check-out-the-girl-I’m-doing-it-with, not-bad-eh basis’, but generally people introduce their lovers to friends and family because they’re seeking approval of their choice.

So: when you invite us to dinner at your parent’s place, brunch with your sister, or even on a night out with your friends, and then you get jealous if we spend too much time talking to the other ladies in the group, we know that’s a sure signal you want us to stick around!

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Ever wonder why you’re always in the friend zone and never get the booty you deserve?  You can find all the answers in The Ladder Theory (http://www.laddertheory.com/).  But since you’re a busy guy, let me summarize this excellent piece of sociological work for you.

UPDATE 12/18:

My girl Jenna Riley has been blogging about how her current guy WAS actual able to escape the friend zone.  Check it out for some advice & tips.

The first tenet of The Ladder Theory is that whenever you meet someone new, you size them up and place them on your ladder.   Men rate women based mostly on their physical appearance and women rate men mostly on their wealth and status.  Ouch, right?  But seriously, it all boils down to the shallow roots of attraction.

Men have one ladder for all women they meet.  At the top of the ladder are the women he would actively love to have sex with.  Below them are the women he wouldn’t mind having sex with, followed by the ones he would have sex with while drunk and admit it.  At the bottom of the ladder are the women he’d have sex with while drunk and try to cover it up after the fact.  The bottom line:  men are only friends with women they would like to have sex with at some point.

Ladies who are reading this may be thinking, “No way!  I have tons of guy friends who don’t want to have sex with me.”

The writers of The Ladder Theory have a test for you to try out.  Next time you’re alone with that guy “friend,” excuse yourself to the bathroom, strip naked, and come back out to face him.  Tell him you want to have sex with him and see if he dares refuse you.

Women, on the other hand, have two ladders.  You could be on the real ladder – the ladder that is very similar to the men’s ladder.  Or you could be on the dreaded Friends Ladder, the men who she likes and keeps around for various reasons but would never sleep with under any circumstances.

Here’s the catch, guys.  You never know what ladder you’re on until you make a move on the girl.  If you make a move and you’re on the real ladder, then awesome!  You win!  If you make a move and you’re on the friends ladder, you’ll be kicked into the Abyss and have to deal with all the awkward feelings you’ve created by overstepping the bounds you didn’t know existed.  You lose.

This is even worse when you rise to the rank of Cuddle Bitch.

A Cuddle Bitch is a guy who is at the very top of a girl’s Friends Ladder.  He’s her best friend and she tells him everything.  They snuggle on the couch while watching movies.  She kisses him on the cheek when they part ways.  All this while the poor guy assumes that he’s on the real ladder and is mentally freaking out about when a good time to make a move would be.  (Sadly, never.  You are either Cuddle Bitch or you are kicked into the Abyss of awkwardness.)

So what can you do to avoid being on the Friends Ladder and get on the coveted Real Ladder?

My advice is to test the Ladder Theory immediately with new female friends.  Rather than waiting and building false intimacy by climbing the Friends Ladder, let your feelings be known.  Make a first move and if you get kicked, you get kicked.  Move on to the next girl and know that you’ve saved yourself  a lot of time and heartache. Check out The Ladder Theory at: http://www.laddertheory.com/

For this U Say, I Say podcast we posed a familiar problem to our panelists:  Should a person date in the workplace? Our panelist gave some great, humorous insights that will help you decide on whether to make a move on that guy or girl in the next cubicle (or office if you roll large like that).

Participants for this podcast were (relationship status as of recording time):

• Maxwell, a 28 year old software designer from Miami, currently just hangin’ out with someone
• Panama, a 29 year old business consultant, single
• Carla, a 30 year old event planner, in the bf/gf stage
  
• Misty, a 26 year old financial analyst, currently just hangin’ out with someone

Click to Play: Panel discussing dating in the workplace

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But hold up a second there cowboy. If you really want the inside story on this whole dating thing, you should be aware that the whole going-out-to-dinner thing is WAY overrated. Going out for some nice food and conversation is a fun thing to do with someone who’s already your girlfriend – i.e. when you’re already comfortable with each other. With a stranger, especially a hot one, it can be an excruciating experience. So in a way, ‘what not to do’ on a first date is to make it a ‘date’ at all!

• “Hey, I thought I’d do a little rollerblading tomorrow and then grab a burger – I know a great place. Care to tag along?” – YES
• “I’m going to check out a band tonight with a few friends. It’s going to be cool. You want in?” – YES
• “I would like to ask you out on a date that will involve two hours of trying to make conversation.” - NO

Either of the first two options above is great, because they throw off an image of you as a fun person who does fun stuff, which is very attractive. They also both involve an activity, so they avoid the whole having-to-keep-the-conversation-going thing that you get with a dinner date. And finally, saying “care to tag along?” or something similarly casual takes the pressure of the whole thing, so she’s more likely to agree to it in the first place.

If, however, you have committed to the traditional dinner date, despite all the best advice to the contrary: well, don’t say you weren’t warned!

Here are some things you need to avoid

#1: Allowing the conversation to flag

It’s pretty rare for two strangers to be able to converse for a solid hour over dinner without there being some awkward silences, which are death to ‘chemistry’. Perversely, it can be even harder to keep a conversation flowing when you really like someone. So what do you do about this?

Prepare! Read a newspaper; get acquainted with some current hot topics of conversation. Also, think about a couple of the coolest things you’ve done in your life, and work out how you could tell a great, funny story about them (a little embellishment is ok – never let the truth get in the way of a good story!).

#2: Challenging her beliefs

Now is not the time for a conversation about religion, politics, or which was the best movie out of the original Star Wars trilogy (actually you might get away with that one – everyone knows it’s The Empire Strikes Back). Keep it light, keep it funny, and keep it moving. There’ll be plenty of time for convincing her that Scientology is a cult when you’re going steady.

#3: Being too nice

You need to tease her a little. If you didn’t already know, this is basically what flirting is – gentle ribbing, done with a smile. It works because what it communicates is “I’m not so in awe of you that I can’t poke fun at you.” It also spices up the conversation and makes it a lot more interesting than just talking about your hobbies, your cat, and your family for hours.

Keep these tips in mind and you will have a much better chance of having a successful first date!

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This may be a shocking revelation to you, but it’s actually not uncommon for us women to have a visible ‘tache. As with other types of body hair though, we perpetrate the myth that we are a smooth and hairless gender through the four disciplines of waxing, plucking, shaving and bleaching, so it’s not something that you see very often – at least on people still young enough to look in a mirror once in a while.

If you’ve realized that under some light your girlfriend has something in common with Frida Kahlo, don’t feel bad. Of course it’s a shock, but this could happen to anyone. It’s nothing but a little bump on the road to true love. There are essentially two ways to handle this. Let me break it down for you. Read on.

#1: Put up AND shut up

The first strategy you could think about trying is: Live with it. I mean, everyone has their faults. What are you, an oil painting? A Ken doll? (Not that Ken really has anything to brag about, I mean good hair and cheekbones, yes, but that smooth, featureless mound where his baby-making parts are meant to be is kind of a dealbreaker.)

After all, is it really even that noticeable? We can’t be talking about a Fu Manchu, a handlebar or a walrus here; after all, you weren’t so turned off by it that you thought this girl was un-dateable. You’ve crossed that bridge, and there ain’t no turning back now! Anyway, if you just try to put it out of your mind you’ll probably have forgotten all about it in no time! (…maybe.)

#2: Communicate

Alright, if living with it is not an option for you, then it’s time to communicate. Why don’t you wait until a comfortable moment; sometime when you’re both feeling relaxed. Maybe a Sunday morning after you’ve just made love. The sun’s coming in the window, the birds are singing in the tree outside, and you say, “baby, there’s a little thing I want to talk to you about. It’s your disgusting, hairy top lip.” BZZZT! WRONG! Do NOT do this! This is NOT a situation that calls for honesty!

Seriously, honesty is likely to cause a rift between you that won’t ever be bridged. Trust me – this may well be a touchy subject for her.  But even if it isn’t, bringing it up like this will make it pretty obvious that there’s something about her appearance that you find repulsive, and this isn’t a good start to a blossoming relationship.

Here’s a much better idea: talk to one of her friends about it. You can play this card: “oh no, it doesn’t bother me, but I think maybe she’s self-conscious about it. Has she ever mentioned it to you?” Then hopefully the friend will mention the conversation to your girl, and before you know it, she’s plucking!

Or here’s another idea (and a really sneaky one): one day out of the blue say to her “baby, I think you have something on your lip,” and make a little wiping gesture like she has food on her face. Then turn away and pretend like nothing happened. You might just find that next time you see her, her hairy little friend has been waxed into oblivion!

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