How Infidelity Relates To Financial Infidelity

This also makes sense in light of statistical facts that even a “normal” affair only ends in a sustained relationship 1-3% of the time. Yet people like Tiger Woods commit financial AND physical adultery all the time – either by blatantly paying for sex via a service, or by paying to be romantically involved with a person that isn’t their spouse. I typically talk about financial infidelity – as I do in my book of the same name – as any time one person goes behind their partner’s back to make a financial purchase. It’s a symptom related to other problems that cause people to have physical affairs and it can be anything from getting extra cash back at the grocery store to use on yourself, to keeping a separate bank account for your own purchases.

Sure, Tiger Woods’ story is a bit extreme and most people aren’t spending that much behind their spouse’s backs, but the same conclusions can be drawn wether you’re dishonest about $40 or $40K and whether you’re just committing financial infidelity or if you’re also engaged in a physical affair. I believe adultery can be cured physiologically as well as emotionally (generationally) by balancing stress and brain chemicals, through Psychotherapy, medical work up and treatment as I do with my patients with a team approach with an MD.

Stress Can Contribute To Both Kinds Of Infidelity

People who have experienced severe stress, loss and separation with their parents at an early age suffer an impact on their hormones. This hormonal change results in what I call the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection to establish certain equilibrium physically. Having done much research on the subject, I believe these feelings follow people into adulthood as we see with people like Tiger Woods who are under a lot of stress. People who engage in an affair (emotional, financial, physical, or otherwise) are usually looking to self-medicate these feelings but what they’re really doing is creating even more stress, separation and loss in their lives.

Until they learn how to deal with the base causes of their emotions, they likely won’t be able to eradicate this cycle from their lives.

According to Reuters:

“IllicitEncounters.com said it has seen a huge increase in the number of financial workers signing up to have affairs after the collapse of the markets in October last year, and that “finance” continued to be one of the most represented professional areas on the site.”

Does Money Make You More Vulnerable?

The website set out to determine why this was so. They interviewed 380,000 members, 20,000 of them work in financial services and found that among some of the reasons for infidelity were public revulsion for bankers, along with lack of affection in private. Additionally, members were interested in engaging in risky behavior to escape boredom, and feeding the ego by landing a trophy mistress. Long hours, negative public sentiment, stress and separation from their partners makes those that work in finance (and any high-stress job for that matter) more prone to turn to an affair; especially now when there is more than enough stress to go around!

If we look around, we see a higher rate of affairs in other professions that are very demanding, like politicians. I’ve talked about this before and explained my theory. The bio-chemical craving for connection, as discussed in the book Financial Infidelity, stems from stress, separation and/or loss. These are probable elements for finance workers now. The stress goes without saying, and the separation aspect was even mentioned in the study, as bankers work longer and longer hours, lending fewer opportunities to connect with a spouse or partner. Thus, it’s not a stretch to think that those in this field are facing large financial losses themselves, or dealing with clients who have suffered losses.

A common reply in the study from male respondents had to do with boosting egos and giving in to the peer pressure of having a mistress for the sake of status. A stressed out banker distancing himself from family creates fertile ground for indiscretions.

Relieve Stress Without An Affair

All this explains why infidelity happens, but certainly doesn’t excuse it. Although certain people, professions and/or websites make it seem otherwise, an affair is not something to be coveted. Adultery usually leads to a further rift in a relationship, and all too often is the precursor for divorce. Contrary to social and popular belief among some, infidelity is not a status symbol. Rather, it is a symptom of a life that is terribly out of balance.

Instead of choosing infidelity as a solution for relieving stress, communicate with your partner. If you’re not at a good point in your relationship, talk to SOMEONE you trust, with the goal of developing emotional intimacy with your partner. Affairs create more lies, more stress and more separation, and you’ll be worse off than when you started.

By now unless you are blind, deaf and have no friends, you have heard that Tiger Woods, the world’s #1 golfer and arguably the best golfer of all time was recently caught cheating on his wife Elin Nordegren.  There doesn’t seem to much dispute about whether or not he committed adultery, although how much adultery remains in question as woman after woman comes out of the woodwork to add to Tiger’s list of “transgressions“.

You know we here at U Say, I Say would have something to say about this, especially considering how much attention our Steve McNair debate generated.

So in light of the degree of the transgressions committed by Tiger, Sital and Adam debate the following question:

Will Elin Nordegren divorce Tiger Woods because of his cheating?

So read both Adam and Sital’s takes below, then log your vote.  We’ll send out the results in about two weeks time.

If you have, maybe it was of a naked lady with a tasteful hairdo, posing tastefully in a nice outdoor setting. Believe it or not, in the 1920s, that was hardcore pornography.

But by today’s standards, that kind of thing is no longer exactly what you would call lurid, is it- not exactly on any kind of a level with, say, MILF Hunter, the Pam & Tommy video, or The Bang Bus.

No, whichever way you look at it, pornography has really changed a lot over the years.

Even as recently as the 1980s, pornography meant your older brother’s secret stash of well-loved Playboy magazines. You’d sneak into his room when he was out, pick your favorite out of the pile and nervously thumb through the pages. Usually the women were too hairy for you to get a good idea of what you were looking at, but by god it was still a turn-on!

Things today are a little different.

Even porn DVDs are passé now that the internet allows us the ability to see any kind of porn we want, wherever and whenever we want, and very often for free. Fetishes…interracial…gangbangs and beyond, it’s all there. (Trust me, I’ve checked…hey, I had to do my research!) And age, money, sexual preference, time of day – none of these are any barrier to accessing the pornographic world.

And make no mistake; men all around the world are consuming that porn avidly. Maybe not every single one, but you can bet that 95% of those with an internet connection at home and a free hand to touch themselves with are at least semi-regular consumers. Yes, including your little brother. Yes, including your dad. Yes, including your boyfriend.

So the big question: why do we watch it?

The answer is that men watch porn because it’s a turn-on (bet you weren’t expecting THAT!), and frankly, getting horny feels good (again, a shocking revelation). You see, the thing is that seeing or hearing or imagining other people have sex is meant to be a turn-on; it’s nature’s way of ensuring that if other people are getting some in our vicinity we’re not left out of the action! It’s just that the ’seeing or hearing or imagining’ part is so much easier now than it was when we all we had were those dirty postcards, and of course the ‘in our vicinity’ part left the building as soon as we starting painting on cave walls.

Also, pornography scratches that itch inside all men that drives us to try and bed a variety of women, rather than staying faithful to just one. Until they update the definition of cheating to include what goes on in our heads, looking at porn is a kind of guilt-free release valve for our more basic lusts. So as distasteful as it might be to you, keep in mind that the alternative might be a lot worse.

It would be nice if it ended there, but unfortunately it doesn’t. It’s hard to watch a lot of something without it having an influence on the way you think, and it’s true that over time porn does do this. It’s hard to watch orgy after orgy, for example, without feeling like you should be taking part in more orgies, and that’s a feeling that’s likely to cause problems. Basically, while porn in small doses is harmless, a porn addiction is not healthy.

The moral of the story is a simple one, and it’s this: like most pleasures in life, porn is best enjoyed in moderation…with a lady friend…or two

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Liz believes that its time for them to break up and go their separate ways.  However, she is debating if she should bring up the fact that she cheated on Steve about a month ago.  She thinks it could help explain why they have been fighting so much, but is unsure if it’s too much information at this point.

Should Liz tell Steve that she cheated or just keep it to her self?

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The two were having an affair for approximately 5 months and appeared to getting serious.  According to reports, Steve promised to leave his wife and Sahel posted her furniture for sale on Craigslist in the hopes of moving in together.

Their relationship turned tragic when both Steve and Sahel were found shot dead on the couch of Steve’s condo.  All evidence points to Sahel having shot Steve while he slept and then shot herself, in the hopes of falling into his lap.

Investigators speculate that Steve was not only rethinking the decision to leave his wife but that he also had a second mistress in addition to Sahel.  More details are available here.

Question for debate: Did Steve deserve to be shot under these circumstances?

I have heard from many of my guy friends that as soon as they get married, they find more women flirting with them.  What is with this magical ring?   (I’m seriously considering telling my single buddies to try sporting one of these the next time they go out to the club)

Let me break it down for you ladies:

1. You want what you can’t have.  If a guy has a ring on his finger, it means he belongs to another woman.  Girls being girls, you always want whatever the other girls have.

It all started back when you stole that Malibu Barbie from Jane’s Barbie Townhouse back in elementary school (those things do happen right?).  She had it, you wanted it, so you took it.  Now that you’re grown-up, it’s silly to steal dolls, so it’s much better to just steal men.  You gotta up your game, right?

2. You love a challenge.  “Oh, you’re in love with your wife?  That’s super.  Does she like video games?  No?  Well, I love video games.  Could play them all day!  Does she let you watch porn?  No?  Oh, that’s too bad, I love porn.  You have a great sex life?  Three times a week?  That’s okay.  I prefer three times a day myself.  Can’t get enough.”

The idea of one-upping the wife and stealing away the husband is so exciting that sometimes, we’re willing to lie in order to make it happen.  Of course, then you’re stuck in an affair where you have to pretend to like video games, porn, and sex three times a day (even if you’re tired, even if you’re sick).

Married men also exude a certain scent of security that you can’t find with bachelors.  After all, he said “I do” with someone.  He’s not afraid to commit! Obviously, he should be way better at relationships than those single losers you’ve been trying to date,right?(We’ll ignore for a minute the fact that he’s a cheater).

If you wanted a casual fling, you could have had that with any loser from the Casual Encounters page of Craigslist.  But a married man, that’s different.  He’s extra special.  He has a wife but is leaving her to be with you because you’re better.  At least, that’s what you tell yourself.

Whether this relationship is going to pan out into anything serious depends on the type of man he is.   Some married men are on the prowl for a mistress to have fun with.   He’s not interested in you as anything other than a sex toy.

In fact here’s the patented U Say I Say test for “If a Married Guy Just Wants You for Sex™”: If you suggest getting together in a location that doesn’t involve you getting partially naked, and he consistently turns you down, HE DOESN’T REALLY LOVE YOU.  Let’s hope you’re not in love with this guy. You can be in love with sex – in which case you’re perfect for each other! – but don’t be in love with the man himself.

The second type of married man is the one who is unhappy in his marriage but doesn’t have the huevos to do something about it.

He’ll fawn all over you, he’ll be super romantic, he’ll even put off the sex just like he’s trying to have a real relationship with you.  It’ll seem like you’re the only two people in the world.  But there’s always SOMETHING that’ll drag him back to his wife and away from you (hint: often its kids).

He may promise you the moon and stars, but all this guy is going to deliver is a can of Cambell’s Chicken n’Stars (note: If that’s your thing please see above advice about seeking people on Craigslist).

The third type is the married man who wants an excuse to leave his marriage.  If you don’t mind being an excuse, this might be the married man for you!

These are the men who will actually leave their wife for you – but beware, it can be really hard to tell the difference between this guy and the Chicken n’Stars guy who will leave you heartbroken and alone (over and over and over again!).

My friends Brian and Meg hooked up at a work convention when they were both married to other people.  (Ah, convention love!)  They were both unhappy in their marriages, found each other, fell in love, divorced their spouses, married each other, and now they have a baby on the way.  Seems perfect – so far.   It could happen to you, but these stories are pretty rare.

I get it – it can be fun dating a married guy.  You get the rush of eating forbidden fruit in addition to the giddy feeling of a new romance.  You might even get someone great out of it.   But let’s face it, most likely you won’t.  If you keep finding yourself locked in power games with married guys, it’s time to take a look at what’s wrong with YOU that you keep putting yourself in those situations.  Get some help and go find a nice bachelor guy.  They’re really not so bad!

What have been you’re experiences with married men? Does the mistress get the man sometimes? Married guys – have you left your wives for another woman and been happy? Sound off!