You see, when it comes to sex and dating, men are creatures of the NOW. Ever tried to get a horny male to delay having sex for a few hours because there really isn’t time? …Or because you’re visiting your parents? Or because you’re in the mosh pit at a rock concert? Or for any other very good reason? You’re likely to hear this sort of response: “Wait until TONIGHT? Anything could happen between now and then – I could get hit by a bus, my penis could get injured, you could just decide you don’t want to anymore. Tonight may as well be never. It has to be now!”

Similarly, when we start dating you, it’s because we’re attracted to you NOW. Men don’t really factor in things like what you’ll look like in ten years, what sort of a mother you’ll make, or what you’d be like to live with. Hell, men don’t really factor in what it’ll be like to wake up next to you in the morning. Simple creatures, ain’t we?

For this reason, men are continually surprised when things about you or about the relationship do change, as they inevitably will. “Wow, you kind of have a lot of grey hair now – I wasn’t expecting that!”

This is especially true for sex.

Ok, this probably sounds ridiculous, but a lot of us convince ourselves that the early-relationship wherever/whenever 10-times-a-week sex is going to be a feature of our relationship with you for as long as we’re both physically capable of it.

Yes, this does lead to some disappointment.

Women, bless you all, seem to be able to think in terms that are a little more long-range when it comes to dating, sex and relationships. However, the problem with this is that women often ‘look into the future’ and make the mistake of thinking that their man will change (for the better!) once they start dating. Thus we have the popular refrain “I really thought I could change him”, which has been uttered by many, many a woman down through the centuries.

This is usually mission: impossible, because after the age of fourteen, men stay as much the same as they can possible manage to. In times past, men ‘grew up’ because they were forced to by their circumstances, or because it was an attractive option. Now, we can play Playstation, buy toys, have sex, drink, party, and risk our necks doing foolish things from early adolescence until our joints seize up, and many of us try to do just that.

There is one thing that really does change men though, and that’s fatherhood. Call us soft, but there’s something about those little guys (or girls) that might just make us agree to give up the motorbike and the base-jumping…at least until they’re older.

So there you go. If you really want a man to change, just have his baby! It’s that simple.

PR: wait… I: wait… L: wait… LD: wait… I: wait… wait… Rank: wait… Traffic: wait… Price: wait… C: wait…

See, even if you release a sex tape to the internet, you still get car doors opened for you!

This is a great question, one every man should be asked or ask themselves. Why DO we open car doors for you? Clearly you have functioning arms and legs of your own, so opening it yourself shouldn’t present much of a problem. Besides, having us open the door means you have to wait while we get out of the car and run around to your side, just to open a door that you could have opened yourself in about two seconds. Seriously, does it make ANY sense?

Not much!  Not much until you realize that opening car doors for you is a small gesture that opens up…a different world.

Let me explain.

Opening a car door is a manly, romantic gesture. Contrary to popular belief, men need a little romance and fantasy in their lives once in a while too. A little gesture like opening a car door, offering you our jacket, or paying for dinner makes us feel like romance is not dead, that once in a while we can act like romantic men and have it appreciated.

Why do we like this?

Maybe because being romantic transports us back to an age when (in our heads) everything was glamorous and sexy, when we got to be men and women got to be women. An age, perhaps, when the rules were fairer, and clearer, and if you wore a sharp suit and a great hat and opened car doors, you’d get a gorgeous girl who’d hang off your arm, giggle at all your jokes, and make you feel like a man.

Similarly with paying for dinner.

A lot of young, single women make as much money as men do these days, so why do men still often pay for dinner, particularly on a first date? Is it to make you feel obliged to let us cop a feel on your front step when we drop you home?

Well, that might be a small part of it…

But a bigger part of it is that, again, paying for dinner is a romantic gesture that makes us feel like men. What paying for dinner means is this: I’m powerful; I’m in control. It was my idea to have dinner, it was my idea where to go to eat, and I have the money to pay for whatever I like.

The thing is that the modern day world sometimes makes men feel like they don’t get to be men anymore. Women have important jobs too, sometimes more important than ours, and they earn money and make decisions and (sometimes) have promiscuous sex just like we do. Some of the space and some of the roles that used to be ours and ours alone now have to be shared. Overall, that’s undoubtedly a good thing, but it can make us feel like we’re more and more peripheral, without much of a real identity.

As you might have guessed by now, a simple thing like opening a car door actually reveals a lot about deep dark male psychology! And in case you were wondering, if you want the men around you to be happy and treat you well, give them a chance to act like the romantic men they secretly want to be once in a while. Let them know you appreciate it and you’ll definitely enjoy the consequences!

Luckily for you, this article has your back on some of the essentials that you’re going to need. First of all, you’re going to need a break up excuse. And before you say anything, you DO need a break up excuse! In case you had some charmingly quaint notion about telling the truth – don’t. Just don’t. There is a time for honesty, and a time for lies, and this is definitely the latter of the two.

The best break up excuses are those that: a) don’t cause the other person any pain, and b) don’t keep any kind of door open that could give the other person hope that you might get back together. The ‘b)’ thing is important, because some girls just don’t take no for an answer, particularly those with low self-esteem. For this reason you need to make yourself clear – when it’s over, it’s o-v-e-r!

Let’s take a look at some break up excuses that fit the bill:

Three classics

If you’re pretty sure you’re never going to see the person again, it’s hard to beat “I think maybe I’m gay” (or if you’re gay, the somewhat less plausible “I think maybe I’m straight”).

After all, no one is to blame for it, and it also shuts the door pretty hard on a possible reconciliation. If you think you’re going to need to plant some physical evidence first to make this convincing, a prominent internet browser history involving nude men should do nicely.

“I’m moving to Kansas” is a tried and tested classic.

Of course you’ll need to modify this in certain circumstances. Like for example, if you already live in Kansas (in which case…sorry, just – sorry). If you really want to go all-out, you could punch this up a notch and pick another country rather than merely another state, but the danger here is that it might sound exotic, exciting and sexy instead of, well, like a life sentence. Then you run the risk of getting the response “I’ll come with you!”

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Like a hungry puppy dog contemplating a bowl of food, the doggy dinner bowl look (or DDBL) is one of unrestrained desire, and for men who recognize it, it’s the ultimate signal that a woman is all yours. Of course, you have to watch for it, and it can be easy to miss!

Failing the DDBL, the next best signal that lets us know you’re ours is when you start to laugh at all our jokes (let’s face it, not all of them are funny). That’s a pretty sure signal too.

As a matter of fact, in the ’seduction community’ (these are the guys who’ve elevated getting girls to an art form), the gold standard for knowing a woman is interested in you is three ‘IOIs’ within a short space of time. IOI stands for ‘indicator of interest‘, and it could be anything from the above mentioned laughter-at-bad-jokes, to the classic playing-with-the-hair, to compliments, touching, leaning in, holding hands while squeezing through a crowd and then not letting go straight away afterwords, and so on.

Not all men are so knowledgeable about women though, so if you want to let a guy know you like him, sometimes you’ll need to spell out your interest a little more clearly…yes, a written invitation would be lovely, thanks.

Of course, this all relates strictly to when we first meet you. A little further along in the relationship, how do we know you’re getting serious about us? …Well, sex is usually a good start! If that hurdle has already been jumped, then the final signal we look for that it’s not merely a fling for you is either or both of the following:

1) Any sign of jealousy – for example, we talk to another girl on a night out, and you get bent out of shape about it; and 2) Being introduced to your friends or family. Why these two things? Read on to find out.

Jealousy

Why is jealousy a powerful indicator that we’ve got you hooked? Because jealousy is reserved for people we feel something for. In order to be jealous of someone, you have to care about them in the first place. It’s exactly the same for men as it is for women, and as an aside, this is why while it’s fine to recount tales of your sexual (mis)adventures with a guy you’re seeing on a casual basis, it’s not a good idea to do the same thing with a guy you’re serious about.

A man who’s really into you doesn’t want to think about you being with anyone else, whether it’s in the present, the future, or a day before your 16^th birthday upstairs at Susie Mitchell’s party with that boy from the 10^th grade. Men are funny like that. So keep it to yourself.

Meeting your friends or family

When people get a new boyfriend or girlfriend that they like and are serious about, they always (consciously or subconsciously) want the approval of their friends and family. This works a little differently for guys, because if you’re really hot, we might introduce you to our mates strictly on a ‘check-out-the-girl-I’m-doing-it-with, not-bad-eh basis’, but generally people introduce their lovers to friends and family because they’re seeking approval of their choice.

So: when you invite us to dinner at your parent’s place, brunch with your sister, or even on a night out with your friends, and then you get jealous if we spend too much time talking to the other ladies in the group, we know that’s a sure signal you want us to stick around!

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Your video game habit may be destroying your relationship bit by bit without you even realizing it.  (On the other hand, if you WANT to destroy your relationship, then keep on gaming hardcore until she leaves you!)

We’d rather you pay attention to us

Women are a bit like cats.  If you’ve ever been around a cat, you know that cats like to conveniently position themselves right in your line of sight.  They want to be sure you notice them, that you pet them.  If that involves sitting on your laptop, so be it.

Sometimes, we want attention.  We walk into the living room and see you, controller in hand, unblinking eyes riveted at the screen.  You’re fully absorbed.  We’re totally alone.

You’ve neglected some important things

Let’s face it, when you’re deep into a game and determined to win, there are some things that get neglected.  For example, you eat in front of the television and because you’re not paying attention, a good 20% of the food destined for your mouth ends up mashed into the sofa cushions or the carpet.  (No, the dog is not a viable vacuum cleaner.)

It’s all you talk about

We’d love to talk with you, but all you want to discuss is how kickass your last raid was and how you totally scored that broadsword you’ve been eyeing for months.  Um, yeah.  Unless we play the same game as you, we’re not going to feel connected to you hearing about all this game stuff.

We go to bed lonely and horny

As a former gamer widow myself, I can tell you that there were nights I TRIED to get my boyfriend pried away from his computer.  I’d walk into the room buck naked and attempt to convince him to at least have some fun with me for a half hour before I had to go to sleep.  But no, his MMORPG was more important.  His guild needed him.  He was the main tank, or whatever.   Meanwhile, I was going to bed alone and feeling bitter that I had to go to sleep horny.  When he came to bed at 3 am and tried to wake me for sex, I’d elbow him in the gut and go back to sleep.  Needless to say, we broke up several months later.

Your gaming could be destroying your relationship.  The only way to really know for sure is to ask your girlfriend how she feels about it.  Set date nights when you spend time together and fill up her tank with all the love she needs to get through a couple nights when you’re stabbing monsters or blowing up evil robots.   She’ll thank you for it.

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Have you heard this one? “Honesty is the best policy.” Ah, no, it’s not. At least not always, and certainly not when it comes to people that you really care about. One of the justifiable reasons for not telling the whole truth, is to protect someone’s feelings, and this should apply to your girlfriend most of all! So don’t leap to the conclusion that just because you’re in a relationship the rule about not oversharing doesn’t apply.

Ok, without further ado, here are the top five things not to tell your significant other:

#1: Anything, anything at all, about your previous girlfriends

In general, guys get bent out of shape thinking about the people that their girl has slept with. For women it’s a little different – for them, it’s thinking about your previous serious relationships that might be painful. So don’t mention your previous girlfriends. At all. Seriously, nothing good can come of it.

Even saying something negative about an ex is a bad idea. First of all it just makes you look stupid, and second of all, whether it’s negative or not it’ll still conjure up a mental image of you with someone else, which is what you don’t want.

#2: All about that time you kissed a guy

It doesn’t matter that you were drunk, that it was a dare, that a lot of crazy stuff happened that night, that your frat brothers thought it was funny, or anything else. Whatever you say, all your girlfriend will hear is “I might be gay”, and from that point on she’ll be analyzing everything you do and say, no matter how trivial, that might add weight to the theory that you’re secretly longing to go out and get yourself a hot piece of man-flesh.

#3: That you’ve ever been with anyone who was better in the sack

Ok, you’re probably unlikely to ever blurt this one out, but you should also be careful that you don’t imply it either. Once you’ve put that mental image in her head, it’s going to stay there. Do yourself a favor, and steer well clear of this one.

#4: That you think her friends are idiots

It would be nice if we always got along with the other people in our significant others life. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way – just because they’re friends with yourgirlfriend doesn’t mean you want to hang out with them. But whatever the situation is, part of the deal of being with someone is to accept who they choose to hang out with, and to keep your opinions about them to yourself. This is not negotiable unless you have really good cause (for example, your girlfriend has a ‘friend’ who continually tries to bring her down).

#5: Where you hid the bodies

Heh – just kidding. Hopefully you’re not a serial killer. (If you are, errr…you should turn yourself in. Ok? Good.) But what this is about is telling (or rather, not telling) your gf about the things you’ve done that you’re maybe not proud of. The time you cheated on your ex would be in this category, as would the time you ripped off the company you used to work for, and the time in Vegas when you and your buddy got with the three lesbian dwarf strippers. Some things that are in the past are meant to stay in the past, so keep it that way and take this opportunity to reinvent yourself.

This may be a shocking revelation to you, but it’s actually not uncommon for us women to have a visible ‘tache. As with other types of body hair though, we perpetrate the myth that we are a smooth and hairless gender through the four disciplines of waxing, plucking, shaving and bleaching, so it’s not something that you see very often – at least on people still young enough to look in a mirror once in a while.

If you’ve realized that under some light your girlfriend has something in common with Frida Kahlo, don’t feel bad. Of course it’s a shock, but this could happen to anyone. It’s nothing but a little bump on the road to true love. There are essentially two ways to handle this. Let me break it down for you. Read on.

#1: Put up AND shut up

The first strategy you could think about trying is: Live with it. I mean, everyone has their faults. What are you, an oil painting? A Ken doll? (Not that Ken really has anything to brag about, I mean good hair and cheekbones, yes, but that smooth, featureless mound where his baby-making parts are meant to be is kind of a dealbreaker.)

After all, is it really even that noticeable? We can’t be talking about a Fu Manchu, a handlebar or a walrus here; after all, you weren’t so turned off by it that you thought this girl was un-dateable. You’ve crossed that bridge, and there ain’t no turning back now! Anyway, if you just try to put it out of your mind you’ll probably have forgotten all about it in no time! (…maybe.)

#2: Communicate

Alright, if living with it is not an option for you, then it’s time to communicate. Why don’t you wait until a comfortable moment; sometime when you’re both feeling relaxed. Maybe a Sunday morning after you’ve just made love. The sun’s coming in the window, the birds are singing in the tree outside, and you say, “baby, there’s a little thing I want to talk to you about. It’s your disgusting, hairy top lip.” BZZZT! WRONG! Do NOT do this! This is NOT a situation that calls for honesty!

Seriously, honesty is likely to cause a rift between you that won’t ever be bridged. Trust me – this may well be a touchy subject for her.  But even if it isn’t, bringing it up like this will make it pretty obvious that there’s something about her appearance that you find repulsive, and this isn’t a good start to a blossoming relationship.

Here’s a much better idea: talk to one of her friends about it. You can play this card: “oh no, it doesn’t bother me, but I think maybe she’s self-conscious about it. Has she ever mentioned it to you?” Then hopefully the friend will mention the conversation to your girl, and before you know it, she’s plucking!

Or here’s another idea (and a really sneaky one): one day out of the blue say to her “baby, I think you have something on your lip,” and make a little wiping gesture like she has food on her face. Then turn away and pretend like nothing happened. You might just find that next time you see her, her hairy little friend has been waxed into oblivion!

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When I first saw the International Relationship Institutes compatibility test, my first thought was “Why do I need this?”

You see I have been in a great relationship for the past two years and it seems to me we are very compatible.  We enjoying sports (both playing and watching), both work in technology  - even both love jalapenos!  How much more compatible can you be?  Why would I need some “test” to tell me if we’re good for each other?

Plus, I figured it was probably one of those lame Cosmo-style 100 point tests.  You’ve seen the ones: Where if you match up on 95 of the 100 questions you are “star crossed lovers destined to love each other for eternity like Ashton and Demi!“  I didn’t want any part of some cheese-ball test of my relationship.

However after deciding to give the test a chance I am quite glad that I spent the time and small fee to check it out!  While the test did an excellent job of reinforcing my belief that Ashley and I are very compatible (whew!), the real value in the test was that it clearly highlighted areas in which we were not aligned.

The test enabled us to talk through these areas and come to a clearer understanding of the other persons’ perspective.  After taking the test, we felt confident that our compatibility was not just based on culinary similarities but on deeper, relevant topics that ranged from sex to religion, from vacation habits to leadership (seems like a crazy topic I know, but it makes sense once you take the test).

How We Took the Test

After deciding to bite the bullet and put the basis of our two years together in the hands of a PDF, we set aside an hour or two on a Saturday afternoon to review the questions in the test.  The instructions recommend printing it out and filling out the questions individually, but we decided to simply review them together on my laptop.

We looked at each question in the document and gave our responses out loud to each other.  When our answers differed, we would talk about why we felt a certain way about that topic.  We also talked about how important it was that the person we were dating share a similar perspective to our own.

This method suited us well as it was easier to have a discussion and it eliminated too much over thinking.  Sometimes when you write down your answers you can think too much and it can make answering the questions more difficult than it should be.  By answering the questions in real-time we felt that a truer response could be given because we would be giving our first reaction not an over-analyzed answer.

I recognize that this may not work for all couples and that some may have the problem of wanting to seem more compatible and would change their answer accordingly.  If you think this would happen in your case, go with the written method.  Otherwise, simply reading it off a computer screen works just fine.

What We Discovered

As I mentioned, since we have been together for some time, we felt similarly about many of the questions.  This was a nice confidence boost about our relationship.  To discover that we saw eye-to-eye on important topics gave us both a sense of assurance that our relationship has a strong foundation.

However it wasn’t all sunshine and roses.  In fact there were several areas in which we didn’t share the same viewpoints.

What was great about this compatibility test was that in those cases,  we discussed why we each felt the way we did about the subject.  These discussions were enlightening and exciting, almost like that experience early on in dating when you first start getting to know someone.

At the end of our discussion, I felt as though I understood my girlfriend on a deeper level about serious topics that would affect our long term happiness.  It answered the question “Are you dating the right person?” with a resounding “oh yea!”

Why this Compatibility Test will be Great for You

As you can tell, I was very happy with my experience with INI’s compatibility test and I feel strongly that it’s something that every couple should also experience.  As we have stated here at U Say, I Say, our goal is to help you have a happier, fuller relationship.  Understanding whether or not you and the person you’re dating are on the same page on key elements is critical to that goal.

Don’t get me wrong: This test isn’t for everybody.  Ladies:  Please don’t go sending this test off to the guy you met at the club last night.  Guys:  Restrain yourselves and don’t bring 2 copies of the compatibility test with you for that happy hour with the girl you just met on Match.com.

But if you have been dating someone for at least 6 months and are thinking it could be going somewhere, I highly recommend picking up this test and discovering how compatible you really are.  It could save you lots of wasted time down the road, and for $15 it’s very little risk.

Well don’t worry, because this article is NOT going to go there. That would be tired, lame and clichéd. No, this is going to an exciting treatise on the best response to the immortal question “so what do you think of my friends?”

Heh. Look, it’s not surprising that this issue of ‘what to say when you get asked something where an honest answer could get you in trouble’ has been around so long (I can imagine cavemen having to sleep outside after giving the wrong answer to “which makes my thighs look thinner, the leopard skin or the wolf fur?”) It’s a tricky issue, because it brings up age-old question of when it’s ok to lie to someone close to you.

Why do people lie at all?

Most of the time, people lie because, well, the truth hurts. Lies avoid this pain, and so lying is actually a vital social skill.

It smooths the waters, it papers over the cracks, and it keeps people happy. Research shows that people start being able to lie convincingly from the age of four and a half, and that pretty much everyone lies multiple times a day just so they can get through life with as little conflict as possible.

Think about this: when you were a kid, did your mom tell you to give an honest assessment of the cooking when your friend invited you around for dinner? No, she told you to say something nice, whatever you really thought. Smart lady!

Despite this, lying has gotten a bad rap, and that’s because there are really two kinds of lying, and the socially useful ‘white lie’ is not the one that gets all of the attention. There’s a world of difference between “I was at home watching TV on the night in question,” and “visiting your parents is exactly what I feel like doing this weekend, baby,” but when we think about lying we instantly think of the first example rather than the second.

So: Don’t feel too bad about telling your girlfriend the odd white lie – she’s almost certainly doing the same thing! Lying is common, and there’s no reason to think that our romantic partners exist in some sort of scrupulously honest parallel universe.

The truth is that people lie to their girlfriend or boyfriend just like they lie to their parents (“of course there won’t be any alcohol at the party”), their boss (“I put the report right on your desk – I guess the cleaner must have thrown it out”), the IRS (“I did not have any other income during the year”) and even their doctor (“I only ever drink in moderation”).

Telling white lies is ultimately a way of managing relationships and keeping people happy. As long as you’re not lying to cover up having done something really bad, it’s probably not worth losing sleep over it. And maybe in time you’ll actually start to like her friends!

What do you think? Is it ok to lie to your significant other? How regularly? Where do YOU draw the line?

On this panel we are joined by:

• Panama, 29, Single
• Jay, 32, living with Carla, 30
• Misty, 26, dating a guy for a couple months
• Maxwell, 28, dating a girl for a couple months

Role of Text Messaging in Dating