Girl on Girl Hatred: A Primer for the Newly Attached

You’ve got a new girlfriend – hooray!  Life is wonderful, full of cherries and flowers and sex and deliciousness.  Right?

…right?

What’s that you say?  Your female friends hate your girlfriend? They’re always telling you that she’s a bitch, you deserve better than her, that she’s not that pretty or smart or successful.  In short, they are really displeased in your choice of mate.   What gives?

Welcome to the wonderful world of estrogen.  While men are easy to read and wear their emotions on their sleeves, women are a bit tougher to figure out.   Try to stick with me here, okay?

Here are some possible reasons why your gal pals hate your new mate:

They are jealous

I have a story for everything.  Here’s another one, sad but true.  Jen and Tony had been best friends since high school.  They took all the honors classes together, helped each other with homework, were in the same clubs.  But they were both too shy to do anything about the fact they were crazy about each other.  Mostly because each one feared the other one would think they were nuts to want to ruin the friendship by dating.  Of course, since they didn’t ever admit this to each other, they went to college thinking that they were best friends and that was that.

They went to separate colleges, but kept in touch daily over email and IMs.  (This was back in the day before everybody had cell phones – I know, ancient history!)  Tony spent his nights fantasizing about what it would be like to get with Jen and Jen spent her nights wishing more guys were like Tony.  Crazy how dense people can be, isn’t it?

So one day, junior year, Tony gets a girlfriend.  She’s practically Jen’s twin – same build, same hair, same interests.  Tony thinks, “Wow, Jen is going to love Becky!  They’re so alike!”

But Jen hates Becky.  In fact, the more Jen hears about Becky, the more she gets angry.  She tries to pick at everything Becky does and convince Tony that she’s a horrible choice for a girlfriend.  The funny thing?  Jen doesn’t even realize she’s doing this because she likes Tony – this is just her instinct.   Her GUT tells her to do this.  Why?  Because her gut wants to be the girl in bed with Tony but she’s too dense to admit it.

Your girlfriend really is horrible for you

There’s another reason why your girl friends hate your girlfriend.  It’s actually based in reality, rather than pure guts and emotion.

That reason is this – your girlfriend is horrible and you need to dump her.

Girls know other girls.  So if you have gal pals who you know FOR SURE aren’t interested in your romantically, and they tell you that your girlfriend is bad news, 90% of the time you should believe them.

A quick list of good reasons to dump your new girlfriend:

• She’s dating you for the sex (it happens).
• She’s using you for a place to live.
• She’s using you for free dinners and activities.
• She’s a gold digger and will eventually leech your bank account.
• She’s using you to get back at another guy or girl.
• She’s using you to get access to someone in your social circle.
• She’s a dirty whore and you’ll get a gift that keeps on giving.

Listen to your girl friends, guys.   Here’s a flowchart:

The Three Date Mandate, or How Not To Ruin A Good Thing

So many guys have asked me, “What’s with girls dumping or disappearing after a third date?  Is there some sort of unspoken Girl Code about this?”  Well, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that there’s no Girl Code that mandates that dumping or disappearing from a new relationship should happen after date three.  The bad news – you really messed it up, boy.

But in order for me to explain this properly, we gotta back up to date one and do an autopsy of your dead relationship.  Actually, I can’t even call it a relationship.  It’s just a dead encounter of the non-sexual and non-relationship kind.  A DEotNSaNRK, if you will.

Date One:  Let’s Meet!

The purpose of a first date is to feel awkward.  Let’s face it, every single first date has a bit of awkwardness to it.  The key to a good first date is how quickly you can move past the awkward introductions and silences and into the talking and merriment.

Succeeding at Date One means you have done the following:

• Looked good
• Smelled good
• Didn’t creep her out
• Didn’t overstep your bounds
• Were interesting enough to merit seeing again

Congratulations!!  You’ve made it to date two!

Date Two:  Let’s Try This Again

That first date could have been a fluke.  The second date is to see if things continue on the same good note that the first date ended on.  You don’t necessarily need to step up your game – you just need to show that you’re exactly who you were the first time.

Succeeding at Date Two means you have done the following:

• Looked good (in different clothes!)
• Smelled good (yes, you’ve showered at least once more since meeting her!)
• Didn’t creep her out
• Didn’t overstep your bounds
• Moved at a speed that she was comfortable with
• Were interesting enough to merit seeing a third time

Now, by the end of date two, we’ve probably at least kissed.  Maybe made out a little.  Gotten to third base?  Heck, if you’re really lucky or she’s really adventurous, you may even have gotten laid.

Congratulations, you’ve made it to date three!

Date Three:  Things Might Get Serious

Here’s the tipping point.  By the time we’ve gotten to a third date, we’ve put the seal on liking you enough to say yes to seeing you again TWICE.  We really dig you.  There’s something about you that we really like.  So if you get axed after date three, it means that something came up that totally turned her off.

I polled my girlfriends, and here are some of the things they said were reasons they’ve axed a guy they thought they liked:

• “His apartment was filthy.”
• “His apartment was freaky hospital clean.”
• “It was clear he only had one pair of ‘good pants.’”
• “He was an AWFUL kisser and didn’t take direction well about his technique.”
• “He made an off-the-cuff remark that revealed he hated gay people.”
• “He proposed.  No, seriously.  He proposed.”
• “He hadn’t kissed me yet, so I figured he wasn’t that into me.”
• “He kept trying to get me in bed – I’m not that kind of girl!!!”
• “I thought his laugh would grow on me, but it just got more and more annoying.”
• “I found out he had a kid.  Ummmm, he never said that on his dating profile!”

Guys, the bottom line is this – if she dumps you on date three, then you did or said something that caused her to bolt.  Go back and analyze things.  Play CSI on your DEotNSaNRK.  Then leave a comment and speculate why you’re still single.

6 Reasons Why Girls Make Guys Wait for Sex

One the great Female Mysteries is why we make you wait for sex.  Here’s a list of the possible reasons:

1.         We’re not sure you’re worth it yet.

You’re iffy.  We’re honestly not sure if we want to keep you around and we know that as soon as you tap it, you’ll want to keep us.  The last thing we need is an abandoned puppy begging for sex.

2.         We’re at a vital number in our sexual career.

When I first became sexually active, I set a limit for myself.  I was going to find my husband by the time I got to sex partner #5.  I was really picky when it came to deciding who would be #5.  Then he turned out to be a total ass and dumped me for a floozy at his work.  So I said, “Well, ten is a nice number.”  I picked much better for #10, but ended up dumping him after a year.  Now, well, here’s hoping I find the one by 15.

3.         We’re currently being visited by Aunt Flo.

Also known as the monthly visitor, Aunt Flo makes us feel bloated, dirty (in a bad way), and just plain unsexy.  I like to refer to that time of the month as The Communist Invasion.  (There’s a Red Party in my pants.  Get it?)  Anyway, we may be pushing you away because we’d rather not paint the town red on our first romp.

4.         We have another iron in the fire.

Did you think we were just dating you?  Oh, sorry.  We didn’t have the exclusivity talk yet, so we assumed the game was still on.  We like you enough to keep dating you, but honestly, we’re not sure if we want to bonk you or that other guy.  It’s your brother?  Wow, we knew you looked alike…

5.         We’re not actually dating.

Are you sure we’re dating and not just cuddle buddies?  Be sure you’re on the right ladder before you assume that we’re going to bump uglies ever.  We really thought you knew that we were just friends!  Friends that spend lots of time together… oh, and that occasionally buy dinner for each other.  (Okay, you always pay.)  The snuggling?  We do that with all our friends.

6.         We’re going to dump you.

Sorry, but we’ve pretty much decided that you aren’t worth our time anymore.  There just hasn’t been a good time to tell you yet.  Yep, we’re totally aware that we’ve seen each other nearly every day for the past few weeks.  Yep, totally aware that you’ve probably dropped a few hundred dollars on food and activities.  Yep, totally aware that you’re falling harder for us every time we meet.  But we had to fully test drive you as a boyfriend before deciding if we wanted to commit for the long haul, and you just aren’t working out.  We’ll tell you – eventually.

…of course, there are tons of other reasons why your girl of choice is making you wait for sex.  But instead of asking us, why don’t you ask her?

The Obvious (but still funny) Reasons Why a Guy Wont Spend the Night with You After Sex

In the imperial court of Japan in the 10^th-century A.D., extra-marital relations were common, and people often had multiple lovers. After a night-time assignation, the man would stroll home through the dewy morn, composing a poem for his lady friend as he walked. Romantic, no? Well 1100 years later, things have changed! Far from staying the night, then leaving only when dawn breaks in order to work on one’s poetry, sometimes now men just want to do the business, get up, wipe themselves on the curtains, and get out of there ASAP!

…Which is a little odd, when you think about it. After all, sex is great (…really, REALLY great), but cuddling/snuggling/spooning someone you’re attracted to, going to sleep with them (in a dopey, pleasant post-sex haze aka “O time”), then waking up next to them – that’s pretty great too, even if you don’t want or intend for things to go beyond the one encounter. Besides, there’s always the chance of a little (or even a lot) more action come the morning. Surely no rational person would pass all of this up for a taxi and a cold, empty bed?

Look, there’s no easy way to say this. The indelicate truth is that if we don’t want to spend the night with you, it’s probably because we’re no longer horny or quite as drunk. Sorry! Told you it was indelicate.

So that’s one reason, and the most common one. Another reason might be that we think you’re going to expect a relationship to follow our night of sweaty passion, and we don’t want that because we’re just not that into you. We think that if we stay the night, you might take that as evidence that we are that into you, and that would be awkward, so it’s better to go sooner rather than later.

Oh, one final reason – because by having sex with you we’re cheating on someone else, and (again, now that we’re no longer horny or quite as drunk) we suddenly feel very guilty about it.

So there are three main reasons: 1) We’re now sober; 2) We think you want a relationship and we’re not that into you, and 3) You’re the Other Woman (you home wrecker!). Question: answered!

While we’re on the subject though, it needs to be said that whichever way you slice it, and whatever the reasons are, leaving immediately after sex is pretty bad form. If you’re a woman and a guy does it to you, you have every right to be annoyed about it. Hell, don’t just get annoyed about it, curse the guy out! Really give him a piece of your mind. Quote this article if you need to. The post-coital cuddle is surely an assumed part of any sexual invitation, and it should be observed. If people signed contracts before sex (hmm…not a bad idea!), one can imagine it being a prominent term…right after the space where you initial to indicate that any oral activity will be reciprocated in full