Why It’s Ok to Lie to the Person You’re Dating
July 14, 2009 by Rachel W.
Filed under Girls, Explained
STOP! WAIT! I know what you’re expecting here: one of those dull treatises on the best response to the immortal question “does my ass look big in this?”
Well don’t worry, because this article is NOT going to go there. That would be tired, lame and clichéd. No, this is going to an exciting treatise on the best response to the immortal question “so what do you think of my friends?”
Heh. Look, it’s not surprising that this issue of ‘what to say when you get asked something where an honest answer could get you in trouble’ has been around so long (I can imagine cavemen having to sleep outside after giving the wrong answer to “which makes my thighs look thinner, the leopard skin or the wolf fur?”) It’s a tricky issue, because it brings up age-old question of when it’s ok to lie to someone close to you.
Why do people lie at all?
Most of the time, people lie because, well, the truth hurts. Lies avoid this pain, and so lying is actually a vital social skill.
It smooths the waters, it papers over the cracks, and it keeps people happy. Research shows that people start being able to lie convincingly from the age of four and a half, and that pretty much everyone lies multiple times a day just so they can get through life with as little conflict as possible.
Think about this: when you were a kid, did your mom tell you to give an honest assessment of the cooking when your friend invited you around for dinner? No, she told you to say something nice, whatever you really thought. Smart lady!
Despite this, lying has gotten a bad rap, and that’s because there are really two kinds of lying, and the socially useful ‘white lie’ is not the one that gets all of the attention. There’s a world of difference between “I was at home watching TV on the night in question,” and “visiting your parents is exactly what I feel like doing this weekend, baby,” but when we think about lying we instantly think of the first example rather than the second.
So: Don’t feel too bad about telling your girlfriend the odd white lie – she’s almost certainly doing the same thing! Lying is common, and there’s no reason to think that our romantic partners exist in some sort of scrupulously honest parallel universe.
The truth is that people lie to their girlfriend or boyfriend just like they lie to their parents (“of course there won’t be any alcohol at the party”), their boss (“I put the report right on your desk – I guess the cleaner must have thrown it out”), the IRS (“I did not have any other income during the year”) and even their doctor (“I only ever drink in moderation”).
Telling white lies is ultimately a way of managing relationships and keeping people happy. As long as you’re not lying to cover up having done something really bad, it’s probably not worth losing sleep over it. And maybe in time you’ll actually start to like her friends!
What do you think? Is it ok to lie to your significant other? How regularly? Where do YOU draw the line?
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Yeah, lying is common, but that doesn’t mean it is the right thing to do. If you really want honesty in your relationships, then you should practice it thoroughly. Who knows, because what one considers “really bad” in terms of a little lie, may not be worth noting from another point of view.
I personally feel that if you have gotten this far in life and want to do adult things, then you have to act and be treated like an adult. That means hearing truths that you don’t want to hear, and speaking truths that you would rather not have to face up to. Hard decisions, but that is part of the responsibility.
See, personally I agree with Rachel here. There are perfectly legit times to “lie” to someone. In fact there’s times when I want to be lied to!
When I have my girl over to my mom’s house for dinner and my mom asks her: “Wasn’t my spaghetti delicious?” I don’t want her to say “No” or even “It was ok”. I want her to say say yes (even if it’s not)!
Does that make me less adult? Nah I don’t think so. I think sometimes you just gotta work with the truth to keep things happy.
R-Z, When people go fishing for compliments, “wasn’t my spaghetti delicious?”, they are asking to get burned. Compliment fishing is generally disliked by the other parties. Encouraging such behavior is a disservice to someone you care about.
I can see both sides of the argument here, but claiming to be 100% honest, 100% of the time is dishonest in itself. I agree that there is a fine line that can be crossed in what constitutes as a white lie, and what type of lie should be taken more seriously. I also agree that compliment fishing is generally poor taste, but there are many other examples where a white lie can go along way in keeping the peace (i.e. saying you like a gift from your in-laws, when you have no idea why they think you would ever wear a sweater like THAT). Point being, a white lie from time to time will help keep the peace and avoid confrontation. As long as you and your significant other are on the same page where that fine line is, it shouldn’t be something to make a fuss about.
No one can claim 100% of anything. There is always the chance that you are given poor background info and what you are speaking on is incorrect from the start, thus a lie from the outward perspective.
CHOOSING to lie is a whole different matter.
Sharing your life with a significant other is the most confrontational thing you really ever do, so why cheapen the experience? Do you really want your partner to love you for the person you are, or the person you pretend to be?
Since most of the examples are non-relationship related, I shall participate: If you cheat a little bit on your diet/workout and you don’t get the results that you want, or you are still not meeting your goals and you fall into Ben&Jerry’s hell, there is no reason to lament about the failure because you CHOSE your path.